Husband texted sex worker

[Baloobear34]

Hi everyone

Please take it easy on me- my head is all over the place.

Background is hard working, caring Husband (not great at showing it but always says Love you etc) children together, together 15+ years.

Living apart recently due to work and I found a text on his phone the following week.

He had been out with a friend, been drinking but not horribly drunk as he sent me a perfectly coherent message an hour before sending this text. The text read ‘massage available?’, sent after midnight and when I googled the number it was to a sex worker.

I confronted him. He initially was like a rabbit in headlights. Said he was enquiring about a back massage for the next day, then said something about being curious. The number did not reply (or call as I checked call history). He said he totally forgot about sending it and if it had of been anything with intent or anything he’d really thought about he would’ve deleted it from his phone so just a stupid text messing about. He said he’s always been a good loyal husband and there was nothing to this.

I spoke about how I saw this as a betrayal, about how disgusting it was, about how it made me question our life together. He was distraught and adamant that I am the most important thing in the world to him, none of the rest of it is possible without me etc etc. I think he got scared that I would leave.

From my point of view I am an insecure person anyway. So I don’t know if I’m making a mountain out of a molehill or if this is horribly shitty. It’s been a few months now and I just keep going over it in my head.

I think what annoys me most is that I feel like he has lied about his thoughts/ intentions when sending the text. He said it was one of the first sites to come up when he googled…although it certainly wasn’t when I searched for back massages locally. And I just don’t buy the texting a number for a back massage so late at night. He hadn’t messaged any other (legit) massage places that night or in the days afterwards.

Now I’m at a point where I’m thinking about it daily. I’m starting therapy in a few weeks to talk about it all as I don’t want to say to family/ friends. Honestly if you knew us you would think I was making this up, he’s generally a very decent guy.

I just can’t shake the feeling that he’s been dishonest in his explanation, and that hurts even more than the text I think. How the hell do I get past this? I’m exhausted going over it in my head.

Thank you to anyone who made it all the way to the end 🙂

He's a punter he always will be. He texted massage available like ordering a takeaway he's definitely done it before and you will spend your life worrying if he's going to do it again. They don't stop, if you have an argument, pregnant post birth , illness hew will think it's fine to pay for sex. Question can you spend your life getting std tests cause he won't ever be faithful.

If you have to therapise yourself into “getting over” something, your relationship is finished

You are struggling to rationalise this for all the reasons above, which you know deep down to be true

You can’t talk yourself into accepting what you know are lies. It just diminishes you.

He also thinks it's ethically ok to rent a woman's vagina to jizz into like she's an old wanksock. She may be trafficked, she may be abused, she may simply be forced by circumstances, inequality, drugs etc - he doesn't care, because he's a misogynist exploiter who believes women exist to service men.

A back massage at midnight?

His many answers/excuses to your questioning him about it are ridiculous.

As others have said, until he is honest about his intentions (and texting a sex worker it's quite clear what his intentions were), then it is just impossible to move on.

Can you live with a liar who texts/visits sex workers? I don't think so 😔.

Exactly. Too familiar.
Also he changed his story — first he was booking a back massage for the following day, then the text was him just messing about. You know what they say about the accused who change their story….

He's doing it, he's done it before, and he's lying about it. Lying about it to cover his arse even if that means driving you mad, making you need therapy, making you doubt yourself, when the blatant fact of the matter is that he pays for sex. You can't get anywhere with this if he doesn't come clean and be honest about it. Don't accept any bull about this being the first time either. The way he's treating you like a fool makes it even harder to deal with.

By the rules of probability, you are unlikely to be caught doing something the very first and only time you have done it

Also agree that his query did not seem like someone who is unfamiliar with/a first timer at arranging such a "service".

You would not book a regular massage for the next day at 12 (?) at night. And besides you know the worker is not a regular masseuse, she's a sex worker.

I don't know about individual sex workers but I know that massage parlours in the sex industry generally offer hand jobs, sometimes blow jobs as part of the massage. Sometimes they offer penetrative sex too.

You are not going to get clarity or truth from him on this because he's going to keep lying through his teeth, and he's going to hide and delete any such activity from now on.

The only way you might is if you appear to let it go, he gets very complaisant and you find some way of monitoring his communications. That took take ages and you may never get access to all his communications.

*That could take ages

Might I add that even if it truly was his first and only time searching for and messaging a sex worker (very unlikely) , that alone is not acceptable behaviour in a monogamous relationship.

It's not messing around, it's not a joke, it's not meaningless, it's not harmless ... It's thinking about using a sex worker, looking up sex workers and going through with contacting a sex worker. Would it be ok if you had done that with a male escort, or would your interest, your intent, your contact (and what it said about your character and integrity) be enough to make him not want to be in a relationship with you? I think so.

But in any case ..... The vast vast majority of the time, if posters on here who have found communication like this; get more access to their partner's comms; they find he has met and had sexual contact with the sex workers.

Said he was enquiring about a back massage for the next day

So we know that's shite.

then said something about being curious

Curious about what?

Whether that sex worker was available for a "massage"?

What else was he curious about that asking her if she was available for a massage (or if she provides massages) would settle?

Why would he be curious about whether she offers "massages" if he's not got the slightest intention of doing it?

Does he message flower shops "roses available?" ...if he's not remotely interested in buying some roses??

Sex workers usually have a profile on a site like Adult Work and the profile states what services they offer.

That saves them or their bookers repeatedly wasting their time responding to messages outlining what their services are of aren't.

So it seems v unlikely that he would need to ask if a sex workers offers massage as part of her "menu"; and more likely that his text meant "are you available?".

Massage is just a nice, fluffy code word for sexual services.

He probably didnt get a response because you're probably quite unlikely to get a prostitute available at pretty much notice in the early hours of the morning. They probably wouldn't bother responding that night or at all.

*at pretty much no notice

I think his drunkenness caused him to be ill judged and over optimistic on that.

He's a punter

I'd suspect he's a punter too.

You're living separately for work. Has he done that before?

For starters I'd get an sti screening and not touch him with a barge pole. He's not safe to have sex with. Don't get into sexual hysterical bonding be sure you're devastated etc.

Agreed. I'm sorry to break it to you, but there is no way this is the first time. What are the chances that the ONLY time he EVER texts a massage therapist you catch him?

I'm sorry. Maybe he IS a decent man, and maybe he does deserve another chance, but don't delude yourself into thinking he's innocent. Families always do this. They do it when men are caught grooming underage girls, or viewing indecent images of children. They don't want to accept it, so they convince themselves he was seduced or tricked or just made a mistake. No way on earth did he just want a back rub. And no way did he think she was a sports injury therapist. He got her number off the internet, where she'd have made it quite clear what she was offering!

He slipped up on this occasion by forgetting to detail the message he sent, OP. I’m very sorry for your situation but I agree with everyone else - it wasn’t his first time and he will very likely do it again. I can put myself in your shoes and I’m just so sorry. 😢

Delete* not detail, autocorrect fail.

Who knows if this is true or not, but it does read in a casual tone of someone who is used to messaging about this kind of thing.

Lying punter.

I hope you are ok op. If there is anyone that you can speak to in real life this will ease the burden you're carrying of this.

Are you able to get your DH to leave for a bit so you can get your head together?

Was the message sent via normal text or WhatsApp OP? If it was normal text I'd be wanting a look through his itemised phone bill for the last few months and I'd be googling any numbers he's texted to see if any others match with sex workers. At least then you'd have irrefutable proof and could stop driving yourself mad wondering

He won't ever tell you the truth. He'll tell you the absolute minimum he thinks he can get away with.

Don't believe all the lies - just doing it for thrills, curiosity, never would have gone through with it etc.

It's just words. He clearly uses sex workers.

Don't think any of this is your fault. It's not you who needs therapy.

I'd ditch him personally. At best he'll learn to hide it better. He won't change.

Run. For. The. Hills.

Been here with an ex, it will happen eventually if it hasn’t already.