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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He said he didn't mean it

30 replies

Yellowbirdflies · 28/08/2022 00:17

Over the last few years I've written several posts about my difficulties with dh.
We have now separated and I do feel so much better.
He emotionally abused me and also had a terrible, explosive temper.
Although he never hit me, he did bash things such as walls and doors.
He also has a history of fighting as a younger man.
However, he did on one occasion push me and say he felt like killing me.
It took me a long time to actually leave him.
I recently refered to the pushing incident and reminded him what he said and why I couldn't continue with all this behaviour and feeling scared and anxious.
His view on this was,
"I didn't mean it! I would never hit you.
People say stuff when angry.
When was this? Years ago?!"
And so on.
So he thinks I've exagerrated his behavior and history.
He disagrees with the term emotional abuse.
He said the relationship therapist took my side.
He has done this in another context too when he told another woman she was beautiful in a text message.
He admits he shouldn't have done it but says it was just a word.
And he tells me he said sorry for all these things, which he did.
But the same issues continued and nothing changed.
I could not get past any of this stuff.
I tried but it just got increasingly difficult over the years.
I'm glad I've separated from him now but am also so sad what has happened in my life.
I'm actually quite lonely and depressed and just wanted to put it on here that I've finally left him.
People on here used to help me over the years.

OP posts:
sunflowersandtomatoes · 28/08/2022 00:20

Well done OP. You’ve done a very brave and important thing. I hope you find peace.

JanePrentiss · 28/08/2022 00:22

Op, life will get better, think of all the crap you've left behind, how you've managed to leave someone that belittled and scared you.

Time heals, and while you might be alone, that doesn't have to equate to being lonely.

I'm sure there will be other posters who will be along to give much better advice and support than me but you have achieved so much, in time you'll look back and realise persevering was worth it.

Well done op, hopefully you will inspire someone else here to take the brave step you have and help make a difference to them too x

Yellowbirdflies · 28/08/2022 07:46

Thanks for the messages.
When he says stuff like "I said sorry, it was a very long time ago, I'm not that bad, not healthy to keep going back to this, it upsets me when you mention it, I never hit you, I see it differently to you, the therapist took your side, I dont care what others think, you make me out to be a monster, I don't want to separate" it makes me feel guilty somehow.
I always doubt myself and have to ask for reassurance.
Even though now I know it was right to separate and I feel free it's still difficult when he says such things.

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 28/08/2022 07:48

Well done for leaving.
He’s just trying to convince himself that he’s not as bad as it sounds. Just move on now.

Notimeforaname · 28/08/2022 07:51

You did the right thing. He wasn't going to change. He was just going to come up with more excuses. Well done you!!

BitOutOfPractice · 28/08/2022 07:53

He’s still gaslighting your op, manipulating yuur feelings, trying to control how you feel.

Keroppi · 28/08/2022 08:01

He's lying and trying to make you believe it too.. Most abusers obviously don't think they are abusers, there's always "a good reason" or if you did x y and z, or if the moon was made of cheese, blah blah

I wouldn't bother talking any more to him about your experiences. A good response if he brings it up is "That might be how you saw that, however I know what I experienced." and that's it!

The Narcissist's Prayer

That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.

www.thelifedoctor.org/the-narcissist-s-prayer

category12 · 28/08/2022 08:12

Well done for leaving him.

Don't engage in messaging back and forth with him. He's just trying to shake you and you're never going to convince an abusive person what they've done is wrong - they will always justify, dismiss or gaslight.

Be confident you're doing what's right for you and ignore all the guff he sends you.

Only discuss any practical issues from splitting up that you absolutely need to, otherwise don't engage at all.

His opinion is not required.

Yellowbirdflies · 28/08/2022 10:12

The Narcissist's prayer is exactly how it feels.
I've not seen that before.
Thanks for posting it.
It's like to him he believes it was just a word, to say he feels like killing me.
It didn't mean anything to him.
But I can't forget it.
And I know that not all partners would say such things.

OP posts:
Yellowbirdflies · 28/08/2022 12:59

I realise this should be in Relationships.
How do I move it?

OP posts:
category12 · 28/08/2022 13:02

Just report your thread to MNHQ and request a move.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 28/08/2022 13:03

This is classic darvo. Well done leaving.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO

Aquamarine1029 · 28/08/2022 13:06

You need to *stop talking to him." All he wants to do is keep his control over you. Stop engaging with him.

Yellowbirdflies · 28/08/2022 13:07

Thank you.
Never heard of Darvo but it makes sense.

OP posts:
Dery · 28/08/2022 13:55

Great that you’re out. Well done. As PP have said - he’s never going to admit that he has behaved badly enough for you to leave him so don’t look to him for endorsement on that point. You got out. That’s the important thing.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 28/08/2022 14:12

Well done for getting out OP. He is demonstrating that he is still a gaslighting abusive cunt - he wants to make you feel bad, don't give him any head space.

SideshowAuntSallly · 28/08/2022 14:55

My ex acts like the years he spent hitting and manipulating me don't exist. He says we weren't good together and that I didn't know when to let go and always had to have the last word. It actually got to the stage where I was doubting myself and felt like I should pretend it didn't happen. He is a narcissist and is now manipulating his latest girlfriend by threatening to kill himself because she dumped him. It worked, poor cow.

It does get better and you are so much better without him. Don't let his gaslighting make you question it. You know it happened.

billy1966 · 28/08/2022 14:56

Well done for getting away from this POS.

Now stop engaging with him.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 28/08/2022 15:00

I think they leave one thing out of the Narcissist's Prayer;

'And if I can't get away from the fact I chose to do those awful things to you, it's your responsibility to make me feel better about it because I suffer more from knowing that than you could ever from experiencing my abuse'

Making you feel like you're kicking a puppy is just another form of abuse.

twoshedsjackson · 28/08/2022 19:55

I mentioned this story before, when a poster found it hard to accept that, although they had apologised, reconciliation had not followed:
Many years ago, at confirmation classes, the topic of forgiveness came up. Our lovely priest admitted that, as a youngster, he had once stabbed his beloved sister's arm with some scissors in a fit of childish rage. He was genuinely horrified and repentant almost immediately, and his sister appreciated this and forgave him.......but the scar on her arm remained permanently.
Even if your husband's contrition were genuine, which I doubt, some things cannot be taken back.
If you choose to forgive him, it does not follow automatically that you wish to return to him. The past is the past, but the scars remain.
I suspect that he is incapable of grasping this, but you can reassure yourself that you had good reasons for leaving, whether he said sorry or not. Your sense of guilt lingers because of the conditioning to which he has subjected you/ rational thought will return as his influence slowly wanes.

Yellowbirdflies · 28/08/2022 21:33

Thanks for these messages.
Maybe I've forgiven, but I know for sure that I can't forget and it's all really affected me badly.

OP posts:
Alcemeg · 28/08/2022 21:41

You wish he could see what he's done and emphathise.

He never will, because if he was capable of it you'd still be together.

It's a complete headfuck dealing with people like this and the best thing you can do is stop wanting him to agree with you.

Easier said than done, I know!

Yellowbirdflies · 29/08/2022 09:01

Thank you.

OP posts:
TheOriginalClownfish · 29/08/2022 13:36

Yellowbirdflies · 28/08/2022 21:33

Thanks for these messages.
Maybe I've forgiven, but I know for sure that I can't forget and it's all really affected me badly.

And there is nothing wrong with that.

Things can still affect you even if someone claims remorse.

Using a vase as a metaphor for your relationship - If you smash a vase you loved for sentimental reasons in anger, you'd regret it, you'd be sad but it's still smashed, right? You cant unsmash it.

He wants to convince you that it can be glued back together yet again and maybe would have been possible for the first few times he smashed it, but not any more. It's beyond repair and even then, the probabilty of him smashing the vase again is almost certain - and you know this deep down.

So you can forgive him - he can try to justify why he did it all those times, you can do your best to convince yourself as well, but regardless, the thing you once valued is well and truly destroyed, and the only place the vase is now fit for, is the bin.

Yellowbirdflies · 29/08/2022 16:36

That's a great image and very helpful, thanks

OP posts:
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