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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He said he didn't mean it

30 replies

Yellowbirdflies · 28/08/2022 00:17

Over the last few years I've written several posts about my difficulties with dh.
We have now separated and I do feel so much better.
He emotionally abused me and also had a terrible, explosive temper.
Although he never hit me, he did bash things such as walls and doors.
He also has a history of fighting as a younger man.
However, he did on one occasion push me and say he felt like killing me.
It took me a long time to actually leave him.
I recently refered to the pushing incident and reminded him what he said and why I couldn't continue with all this behaviour and feeling scared and anxious.
His view on this was,
"I didn't mean it! I would never hit you.
People say stuff when angry.
When was this? Years ago?!"
And so on.
So he thinks I've exagerrated his behavior and history.
He disagrees with the term emotional abuse.
He said the relationship therapist took my side.
He has done this in another context too when he told another woman she was beautiful in a text message.
He admits he shouldn't have done it but says it was just a word.
And he tells me he said sorry for all these things, which he did.
But the same issues continued and nothing changed.
I could not get past any of this stuff.
I tried but it just got increasingly difficult over the years.
I'm glad I've separated from him now but am also so sad what has happened in my life.
I'm actually quite lonely and depressed and just wanted to put it on here that I've finally left him.
People on here used to help me over the years.

OP posts:
Kindtomyself · 29/08/2022 16:57

You've experienced and still experiencing trauma. It would help if you could speak to a therapist- do you have one?

WhatsTheStoryThisTime · 29/08/2022 17:11

Following this post and the advice given by posters with great interest as I’m in an almost identical position. The mindfuckery is immense and I’m constantly asking myself if what my H has done is ‘bad enough’ and does the good times outweigh the bad.
Separated on and off for almost 2 years now but I keep getting drawn back in. I wouldn’t wish the feelings of confusion and trauma on anyone. I often laugh at myself for believing my H is a narcissist.
Wishing you all the best OP.

SisterRuth · 29/08/2022 17:22

He frightened you. That's not on. I'm so glad you're free at last. There will be times you probably feel a bit lonely because we're social animals & even though he was an arsehole, he was there. But get through those temporary pangs of doubt of what have you - they will pass & you have done absolutely the right thing. Well done; bring on your new stress-free, happy life xx

Bonbon21 · 29/08/2022 17:29

When you finish a relationship which has been so emotionally charged it is natural and normal to grieve for all the good there was and all the good there could have been.
Let yourself grieve... then set it aside...look to the future... and make it right for YOU.
You KNOW you have done the right thing. You no longer answer to ANYONE.
Good Luck... and enjoy!

Crikeyalmighty · 29/08/2022 20:21

I think what you said about forgiving but not forgetting is really important. The problem I've found is when you kind of forgive and move on , the forgetting just doesn't always happen and you now always see them in a lesser light-it kind of 'snuffs the candle out'

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