Bf stopped drinking and effects on social life?

[Rewis]

My bf has recently mostly stopped drinking alcohol. His guts does not agree with beer anymore and he doesn't really like wine etc. So this has lead to him not drinking. Which is totally fine. I don't really care if he has sparkling water or beer in the glass. The problem for me is more the social side. He feels weird about telling that he is not drinking so he avoids the situations instead. Today we were asked to go to the pub and he didn't want to because of 'weirdness' mainly because he is known for enjoyjng beer and knows a lot about it. I told him that nobody we associate with would make it into a big deal. And if someone did I'd shut it down (and even pre-warn if necessary so that there would be no comments). He had a beer on Monday because he was offered and felt he couldn't turn it down because 'weirdness'.

We also used to go to watch football at the pub with friends. Not because of the drinking, but the big screen and atmosphere and now he is no longer keen cause it feels off to order non-alcoholic when in a group. He does come to the pub with me (if it's just me) but he is not exactly enthusiastic about it. He does not mind me having a night out or drinking at home.

We can socialize lunch, dinner, coffee etc. But I kinda wish he would just be open about the not drinking thing and go "I'd rether try the new brunch place" or something. This whole not wanting to turn it into a thing makes it awkward. He is not hiding a drinking problem. I have a feeling there is some type of insecurity about masculinity, aging, body changing, being different.

I guess my question is will he get over the whole feeling weird thing once he is more comfortable with his decision and gotten the first few non-responses? Anyone with experience?

I suspect you're right and he is feeling insecure. Can you subtly boost him? I mean, he's just chosen a course that's going to be incredibly good for his health for the long term. Alcohol is socially accepted but it isn't good for anyone.

Don't make the mistake of letting his issues prevent you from doing the things you want to do. I would find his lack of backbone extremely unattractive. He's a grown man, he shouldn't care what anyone thinks about what he's drinking, and the reality is that no one is going to even care. The only weird thing here is him.

My partner doesn't drink, and I was a bit 🤔about how my wine/gin loving friends would react, but they don't give a flying fig. Bit of good-natured teasing from a couple, which he took with good grace... and then after the initial reaction no one notices or cares. Some even choose not to drink too. I think because it is new to him, he might be feeling a bit awkward, but it should calm down. Maybe start off with a small, select friendly group.

I still drink 😁

When you don’t drink it can make socialising difficult.

people suddenly see you as “boring”, killing the vibe, uptight. All night you get comments, why aren’t you drinking, loosen up a bit, one won’t hurt, enjoy yourself.

unfortunately the drinking culture does mean that non drinkers are seen as weird, and he probably now sees himself as one of those boring weirdos.

it’s easier to socialise around food as there isn’t the getting drunk and having fun aspect.

i’ve been teetotal for years and still struggle a little. I do feel I’m not even given a chance to enjoy myself, it’s automatically assumed I can’t without a drink on board.

He needs to stop seeing himself as the weird teetotaller and start seeing it as everyone else if they can’t enjoy themselves without a drink. It is tough though so give him a break.

reality is that no one is going to even care.

Not true.
I’ve never been a drinker and all my life I’ve had to explain why I don’t drink.
People ask over and over again.
And push to drink.

It must be ”scary” for op’s husband since he’s doing it first time in your life.

Some people found it really difficult when I stopped drinking. They looked at me like I had lost my mind and it was embarrassing having to answer questions, explain my justify my choices. Seriously, people acted like I'd stopped eating or wearing clothes. I got some completely incredulous responses. I avoided certain places until I got my head around it and now everyone accepts that I don't drink and its fine. But it took a while. I think men can also have a certain image of machismo to live up to, and may be more likely to feel embarrassed to quit. Manliness is still often equated to how many pints they can drink, after all. Also part of your DH's issue is medical, and that could maybe be embarrassing too. Maybe just give him a little time to accept this new phase of his life.

He only feels weird if he let's this idea of non-drinkers being weird take up room in his head. Lots of young people barely drink. He should embrace his status as a teetotaler - I bet quite a few of his friends and acquaintances secretly admire him for his willpower.

Have him listen to a few of Annie Grace's talks on YouTube. I think her channel is called This Naked Mind. She covers the social awkwardness of not drinking in one of her talks, but mostly she focuses on the positive aspects of being a non- drinker.

Or show a bit of kindness and patience during what can be a very difficult transition for some people

You're in every single thread just being horrible about people. Compare your tone to the other posts here. What do you get out of it? In what way is what you've said constructive?

I've been in the exact same situation OP.
Both used to drink a fair bit at home and socially and decided to quit after covid lockdown got a bit out of hand.

Like your bf, my husband found it easier to just remove himself from the situations than tackle it head on. Usual comments, his history of being up for a beer with our friends etc and the abstinence raising a few eyebrows. Even at our age the peer pressure doesn't go away albeit more subtly.

I got around it by being the one to get the drinks and I'd buy him a zero alcohol beer and get it topped up as a shandy that way he still had a 'pint' in his hand so felt comfortable but no one would know he wasn't actually drinking alcohol.

Works like a charm.

If we were in a more craft beer-ey type place, then almost always have a zero alcohol offering too.

Yep, me too @YouAreNotBatman . Someone recently even said "the only thing I find weird about you is that you don't drink".

But it's easier not to drink in a group. You can say you're driving, and then when

and the reality is that no one is going to even care.

oh people care. And comment. A lot.

You only need to read all the pregnancy threads with women not ready to announce worried about how they are going to hide the fact they aren’t drinking. The elaborate suggestions of buying the drinks and nursing one all night, or dh drinking them, or tipping away discreetly. Or telling everyone you’re on antibiotics, or have a hangover from last night…

if people really didn’t care then ordering a coke wouldn’t raise an eyebrow, let alone have your entire social circle immediately guessing at pregnancy.

Sorry - then when the inevitable "but one won't hurt, surely" comes, just say you 'd rather not risk it. Or say you'll start with a soft drink and then see. Usually they forget once you've ordered.

It's when you meet a friend, just one friend, that it's more of a problem, because people don't like to drink alone. I have been known to go up to bar and order myself a soft drink but pretend it was something else. Or pretend to drink something but tip it away, just to keep a friend from getting funny with me.

I pretty much stopped drinking a couple of years ago. I might have two maximum on a night out, but that's it now.
In all honesty it does change things. People you used to drink with assume you're going to be boring, which can turn into a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy, as the more they make a thing of it, the more uncomfortable and out of step you feel.
Also, some of the things you used to do, like afternoons in pubs, feel a bit pointless and boring if you're sitting there with water while everyone gets tipsy around you.
So, in reality, its not always an easy transition to make. If drinking featured a fair bit in your social life, it will be even harder, as I can imagine he will want to go to pubs less and less.
Not sure what the answer is tbh, other than you go to drinking events without him, and try to find new activities as a couple where alcohol isn't a feature.

Or he could just be honest "getting on a bit mate beer no longer agrees with my guts so it's juice and soda or just stay in forever" something along those lines.

And you could say i'll drink non alcoholic when out with you (at least the first few times) just to support him and reassure that it's ok really ok to not drink alcohol and have something else.

I don't drink because I am a recovering alcoholic. I wouldn't say people comment on it endlessly (and my partner and my family and friends all drink so I go to pubs etc quite a bit) - some people do mention it sometimes and I just tell them why. I think your boyfriend will just need to get used to it to be fair - it really isn't that big a deal. Is he worried people will conclude he has a drink problem? In my experience this doesn't tend to be people's assumption - in fact they seem shocked when I tell them this is why I don't drink!

Is he quite a self conscious person generally?

Thank you for all your responses! I was gonna quote some parts but figured I'd give a joint response.

He can't drink non-alcoholic beer either and limited soft drinks. Like coke is not good, but appletizer is fine. So no fake it till you make it type thing.

I'm happy to go non-alcoholic when out with other people to start with. Very good suggestion and will remember that. I'd love to say to him that he should just say that "guts are playing up. Will stick with x" but it's probably something he has to be comfortable with. I'm thinking if it would be bad to let people from my side know when doing something that he won't drink and they should keep their thoughts to themselves?

I'm well aware that people can have weird reactions. Which is ridiculous. As I've matured, I work a lot with young adults and I've been trying to introduce non-drinking activities. It's so sad that this is a concern.

Alcohol does not play massive part as in getting drunk. Dinner and drinks is just easy. As is beer garden in hot day is easy. Wine tasting is nice. I'm happy to have brunch or cake but I think it's the transition that's hard for him. But sounds like it gets easier once he is more comfortable.

I don't think he is worried that people will think he is an alcoholic. We don't have a large social circle. Just few people. I think that kind of makes it worse.

I do think attitudes are shifting and many young people don’t drink at all. I haven’t personally experienced pushback since I stopped drinking more than 20 years ago but my DH, who has never drunk alcohol, has. He says that people assume you’re boring, preachy or a recovering alcoholic and when he was younger, would assume he didn’t want to come out. In my friendship groups, it’s never been an issue, in fact positively welcomed as I don’t mind driving. However, I do know quite a lot of people in the 40+ demographic who don’t drink and have given up due to medical reasons, pregnancy, the fact that hangovers get worse with age and quite a few of my family don’t drink so it’s quite normal in my world.

You will find that this will get easier with time and that others will also stop/ cut right down as you get older. He shouldn’t have to explain himself to anyone but I have found that saying that it doesn’t mix with a medication etc may make things easier. Word of warning, when you don’t drink for long periods of time (years in my case), then it can affect you quite powerfully if you do have one or two in terms of getting drunk very quickly, having a hangover after one or two drinks and aggravating stomach/bowel issues. I wonder if the body experiences it as some sort of toxin?

I don't drink because I am a recovering alcoholic. I wouldn't say people comment on it endlessly (and my partner and my family and friends all drink so I go to pubs etc quite a bit) - some people do mention it sometimes and I just tell them why. I think your boyfriend will just need to get used to it to be fair - it really isn't that big a deal

I think people are more likely to respect the fact you are recovering, and not push. you don’t get the “one won’t hurt, go on it’ll help you relax”. it’s simply choosing not to drink that many don’t understand.

neither dh or I drink, everyone knows this, yet consistently we still get bottles as gifts. Wine for housewarming, as thank yous, when the kids were born, for Christmas etc.

my own mother can’t get her head round the fact I don’t drink. She always brings wine when she visits and tries to insist I have one. We were on FaceTime recently and I had opened a bottle for the risotto, she saw and started crowing she knew we had a sly glass…

for me people make it into such a huge issue I have to stick rigidly to not drinking. If I have one, then it really blows peoples minds that on another occasion I may not drink. Because if you have no reason not to drink, why wouldn’t you?

I wonder if the body experiences it as some sort of toxin?

oh alcohol is most definitely a toxin. If you drink regularly the liver produces an increased amount of the enzyme needed to break it down.

if you stop drinking that enzyme returns to normal levels, so those who don’t drink regularly can’t break the alcohol down as quickly, and may suffer greater affects.

He's obviously feeling insecure about his choice not to drink, so support him with that while encouraging him to join in with the things he enjoys doing. As your parents tell you when you're a kid, if his 'friends' have a problem with it then they're not his real friends.
Are you sure he actually likes going to the pub or hanging out with the people you go with? Do you have a problem with him not drinking and the effect it could have on what you want to do?

He may just not enjoy activities with alcohol involved as much if he's not drinking because of how he body reacts rather than total choice. I love wine but sometimes stop for a month or two when I'm training for something, and I don't enjoy the same activities as much without a wine so do different things instead.

My DH has not had a drink in years.No reason for it, he just took a Dry jan break when I did and never went back.

He drinks non-alcohol beer and there are loads of options in most pubs nowadays. He likes Erdinger and Heinekin 0.0.

No-one bats an eye. Once a freind asked him if he gets bored with it, but he said he does not.

truth is loads of people do not drink for a variety of different reasons. MNy father has just stopped drinking due to trying to manage diabetes- and he owns a very small vineyard in New Zealand so you can imagine if anyone gets questions he does! he just says that it is for health reasons and that is that.

There is no need to make it a bigger deal than it is, really.

Juice or soda and pretend it's a mixed drink.

People also understand if you take a medication that doesn't agree with alcohol or announcing, it gives you the runs for a week and you'd rather not.

People are far less accepting of just saying you don't drink.
Pick a medical excuse and stick to it.