Bf stopped drinking and effects on social life?

[Rewis]

My bf has recently mostly stopped drinking alcohol. His guts does not agree with beer anymore and he doesn't really like wine etc. So this has lead to him not drinking. Which is totally fine. I don't really care if he has sparkling water or beer in the glass. The problem for me is more the social side. He feels weird about telling that he is not drinking so he avoids the situations instead. Today we were asked to go to the pub and he didn't want to because of 'weirdness' mainly because he is known for enjoyjng beer and knows a lot about it. I told him that nobody we associate with would make it into a big deal. And if someone did I'd shut it down (and even pre-warn if necessary so that there would be no comments). He had a beer on Monday because he was offered and felt he couldn't turn it down because 'weirdness'.

We also used to go to watch football at the pub with friends. Not because of the drinking, but the big screen and atmosphere and now he is no longer keen cause it feels off to order non-alcoholic when in a group. He does come to the pub with me (if it's just me) but he is not exactly enthusiastic about it. He does not mind me having a night out or drinking at home.

We can socialize lunch, dinner, coffee etc. But I kinda wish he would just be open about the not drinking thing and go "I'd rether try the new brunch place" or something. This whole not wanting to turn it into a thing makes it awkward. He is not hiding a drinking problem. I have a feeling there is some type of insecurity about masculinity, aging, body changing, being different.

I guess my question is will he get over the whole feeling weird thing once he is more comfortable with his decision and gotten the first few non-responses? Anyone with experience?

This is Mumsnet bingo and Ive just scored

Man needs help and understanding

He's unattractive and not manly enough, kick him to the kerb

My DH gave up drinking five years ago and wouldn't come to the pub either in the situations you describe. It's not just having to rebuff the repetitive questions, but being around other people drinking can be annoying if you're not a bit drunk too. Give it time and things will rebalance. I only see the benefits now - that he can drive in all situations and he sets a great example to the kids, and I don't have to do either of those things, ha.

It's not just having to rebuff the repetitive questions, but being around other people drinking can be annoying if you're not a bit drunk too.

I was going to say the same thing. I do drink, but less than most of our friends, and I never drink during the day. At weekends OH sometimes meets friends for drinks at lunchtime but it's fairly tedious being around people who are drinking if you're not, so generally I stay at home.

But if I do go, I haven't found people try to persuade me. That is probably because I don't make an excuse, I just say I don't want a drink. Far easier to tell the truth, than make up a lie.

Its true. Its ok if its just for a meal but when its a 'night out' or whole afternoon it is tiresome

And I admit I was one of the tiresome ones once upon a time when I thought I was highly amusing and loud!

I haven't found that at all, I haven't drank for a long time and get just as many comments and pressure to ten years later than I did when I stopped, and I've had medication reason not to for the last five years and still have people going on.

They'll ask about the medical condition and try and suggest solutions like "could you not stop taking them a few days before, my husband shouldn't drink on his painkillers and he stops taking them before a night out? I'm on anti depressants and shouldn't drink buts it's fine, I had antibiotics last month and just ignored that bit, what medication are you on? Can you stop taking them before a night out?, can you try different meds? It's a shame you can't let your hair down"

They'll ask about the medical condition and try and suggest solutions like "could you not stop taking them a few days before, my husband shouldn't drink on his painkillers and he stops taking them before a night out? I'm on anti depressants and shouldn't drink buts it's fine, I had antibiotics last month and just ignored that bit, what medication are you on? Can you stop taking them before a night out?, can you try different meds? It's a shame you can't let your hair down"

I had an actual medical dr - and a relatively senior one at that- in a bar ask why I wasn’t drinking- at the time I was actually on metronidazole, the ab you shouldn’t drink on, thought he’d get it and shut up but no, all night he went on about I’d be alright, I might not get the reaction, it wouldn’t be that bad, and why let the risk spoil the fun…

Very much not PC but not drinking is a bit boring isn’t it? Understandable, sensible probably laudable but a bit dull

i know a few couples who don’t drink. Either don’t bother going out at all at night or have a brief night out to eat, resent the babysitters fee and go home stone cold sober.

Non drinking is certainly the norm in a number of cultures and they are geared for it - blokes hanging out in coffee shops together etc- but it’s tricky in a western culture if your mates tend to meet for a wild knees up

Sorry no solutions but it’s just the (non PC) reality

i know a few couples who don’t drink. Either don’t bother going out at all at night or have a brief night out to eat, resent the babysitters fee and go home stone cold sober

if I have a boring it night it’s usually because the people I’m with treat me like I’m boring and can’t have fun because I don’t drink.

you’d be surprised how many drinkers actively exclude the non drinkers- assuming they won’t want to go to a club or will want to go home early because they’re “boring”. “We’re going to x bar for cocktails, are you getting a taxi home”

Not meaning to be critical as this used to be my view when I used to drink - but in my opinion (and obviously it is only my opinion) the opposite is true. I have more fun and (if I say so myself!) am more fun sober. Can hold a better conversation, don't repeat myself all the time. I was an extreme example of course - but in general I don't think drinkers are any more fun and interesting to listen to than non-drinkers - and some are quite the opposite!

And I don't stay at home because I don't drink - lots of us still go out! Just as lots of drinkers stay home to drink....

Everyone should do what's best for them of course. If people enjoy drinking and can do it safely that's excellent - I wish I could! But I think it's helpful to challenge the view that drinking necessarily makes people better company.....

Very much not PC but not drinking is a bit boring isn’t it? Understandable, sensible probably laudable but a bit dull

nothing to do with “PC”, but your own closed mind not accepting non drinkers can have fun.

it’s not dull at all. What’s dull is people drinking thinking they’re so superior and having so much fun, not like those boring sober people.

drinkers can also be very boring and dull. They just think they aren’t because woooo! Wine!

Swap PC for judgemental or ignorant and you may have it.

We have a development. He randomly made a comment about how he needs to think of a drink that he can have when out with people. I tried to suggest that we could even make it to a thing where we get some fun non-alcoholic drinks from the shop. I think this will he a challenge since he can't drink non-alcoholi beer, doesn't like wine, not a fan of cocktails and ability to have sodas are limited 😅

I went for drinks with a friend of mine yesterday and talked about this. We actually had prosecco and then some mocktails. She had just been on holiday with a friend who doesn't drink. And she was saying how interesting it was cause normally she Would have had a glass of wine in the evening but now she had ice cream instead. Just nice to talk face to face about sober curious movement, pressurea of society etc.

But sober people are not boring. Or they might be sober and boring. I doubt they'd be more fun with a beer. Some of the best parties have been when i was sober.

We don't have an active social life so this won't in anyway be a weekly or even monthly "problem". We go out more the two of us and I'm happy to have ice cream instead of wine. And I have to say that we don't get drunk. It's more that pubs are open in the evenings and we're football fans so pub has a special atmos. I don't think there should be any special mention of medical problem. Cause I think the truth "my gut doenst agree with alcohol" should be medical enough.

I actually don't mind if he doesn't want to go to a pub. I mean leaving after dinner when others go out might be awkward first but I think it's the owning upto his own decision. So instead of "I don't want to go to the pub" I wish it was followed bu "how about brunch tomorrow?". But it might take some time to get there or I might be asking too much. We will see.

It is very interesting to read everyone's experiences. It sucks that alcohol is such a big deal.

How do you feel about me telling people on the DL? Like my family before holiday etc. That bf doesn't drink due to it not agreeing with him. Don't make it into a thing.

How do you feel about me telling people on the DL? Like my family before holiday etc. That bf doesn't drink due to it not agreeing with him. Don't make it into a thing.

I'm not sure why you need to say anything. It's his decision, it's up to him to tell people - in passing, and as you say, not making a big thing of it. Drinking makes him feel ill, he doesn't want to feel ill, so he doesn't drink.

IME the most difficult thing is finding a non-alcoholic alternative, I find them all pretty grim - either too sweet or too fizzy. But if he can finds something he enjoys that will really help.

My logic behind it was so that none of them at least make a stupid thoughtless comment. Also my siblings best friend owns a brewery and he tends to give tasters as a present. I did say something to my brother (different sibling to the brewery friend one) when we were on a walk. Me and bf recently went for a weekend away to an area that's famous for their pastry and their brewery. He asked me if we went to the brewery and I said that we didn't and bf has actually stopped drinking. He just said good to know and he hopes that he won't avoid hanging out cause drinking is irrelevant.