Update on situation, and help needed

[Bumbummum]

Hello everyone. I posted once before, here, about my abusive (ex) boyfriend.

Well, the update is that I have left him and have been in a women's shelter for 4 months. Thank you to everyone who wrote a reply to me- I came back and reread the thread to keep me strong many times. However, now I have some terrible choices to make, and I am stuck in indecision, unable to move forward.

I am from the UK, my ex is German, we both live in Denmark and our daughter is German, and British, but has Danish residence (and is therefore covered by Danish family courts).

There are 3 police cases ongoing right now, psychological violence, physical violence, and unlawful restraining (locking in room). No idea whether they will progress anywhere, but it has at least made the family courts take it seriously and block my ex from having any visitation with his daughter right now, as they are concerned that he will try to flee the country to avoid the police, and kidnap her.

I could try to petition the courts to let me move home to the UK with my daughter. I am stuck whether to try to come to the UK or not.

Advantages-
-more distance between daughter and father, so less exposure to his problematic behaviours
-native language makes everything easier
-some family nearby (parents and brother)

Disadvantages-
-low salaries (ie half what I currently get), worse schools, NHS in a bad state, Brexit etc, probably worse quality of life in many ways
-chance of totally alienating my daughter from her father, sad for her?
-companies much less accommodating of having kids than here in Denmark (where it's normal to leave at 3pm to pick up your kid)
-no friends (I have lived in Denmark for 10 years)
-probably not as much support from my family as I would hope
-total life upheaval...

Has anyone had to make a decision like this? In the end, the decision is this- which is least bad for my daughter, to be relatively isolated in a foreign country, or to come "home" and never know her father? The ideal might be to stay in Denmark and hope that she can have very limited contact with her father so that she knows him but he cannot damage her (ie she lives with me, most of the time is with me, and has short time with him).

I hate him for making me choose this.

Why haven't you made friends there? Was he a factor in that?

The lack of support would make me move to the UK but perhaps that would change now?

I remember you. Well done for getting away.

I’ve no advice really, just wanted to say I’m happy you’re safe.

How old is your daughter, I would come back to the UK and keep her as far away from him as I could until she is old enough to decide whether she wants to see him or not. What sort of work would you be looking for, why did you move to Denmark. Well done for leaving him, he sounds awful.

You could ask for permission but if he is found not guilty he could drag you back again tbh a friend fled to Ireland after her ex was found guilty he got the courts to bring her back to England despite not being able to have contact with the kids at the time

My advice is to wait out the court cases

it is hard.
I think I’d wait for the outcome of the court case to see what the staying in Denmark option actually entails.
As to what is better for your daughter - it’s hard to say. I am guessing - as she is growing up there - she views Denmark as home. In addition - your are going to be able to give her a much better quality of life there - both with your higher salary and better infrastructure/schools/kids activities/social care, etc in Denmark.
Hopefully now that you are not in a dysfunctional relationship - maybe you can start making friends? 10 years is a long time to live somewhere without making some local connections.

Finally - in Scandinavian countries cohabiting couples with children aren’t treated differently to married couples - so unless the courts make the decision that the father isn’t allowed to see the child - they are unlikely to allow your to move away. It’s hard to justify as being better for her.

@RandomMess - I think OP has friends in Denmark, not the UK. She thinks she would have less support here than in Denmark.

@Bumbummum - well done for getting away!

What is your gut telling you to do?

To me it reads that staying in DK would be better overall despite the proximity to her father because your support networks, quality of life, work-life balance and earning power are considerably better there. But I don’t recall seeing your previous thread so don’t know whether the value of being in a different country to your ex (if permitted) outweighs all other considerations. It could be that having that distance is so valuable that the loss of the other things is a price worth paying. I think you may need to trust to instinct in deciding which way to jump on this.

Actually - ignore me: @MMmomDD ‘s advice is much sounder!

I think oP means no friends in Britain because she has been away 10 years

It really does sound like waiting for the outcome of the court cases is best. Does your family in the UK understand the situation? It sounds like you would really prefer to be in Denmark.

I understand you may like Denmark, but I would be getting my child and myself as far away from this man as possible. Everything else will work out.

I would be doubtful that the courts would let you move anyway. They may temporarily have banned him from access to your DD but this is presumably to prevent him from removing your DD from their jurisdiction before a decision is reached?

It feels like it would be upsetting for your DD to take her away from everything she's ever known, for uncertain amounts of support from your family here.

I would stay in Denmark tbh.

So, I asked a lawyer and they said it's basically now or never to try to relocate- once the family courts have established visitation, and once our daughter is "integrated" in nursery school here, it'll be very hard to get permission to relocate.

This choice is overwhelming.

Eek that's a tough choice.

Does moving to the UK protect you and DD from him and is that the main priority?

Honestly I’d get her as far away as possible from
her father.

men like that are never ever lovely fathers.

Hiya-- I remember you and I think you possibly were on one of the expat sites too when we were in Copenhagen till May this year. We are back in uk now.

My own view is to stay put unless your family here are going to be a massive practical help to you here. I've lived in Denmark (miss it too) - it's way way easier to be a single working parent and maintain a decent standard of living.

Where would you like to live?

Where you can be happiest is ultimately the place your dd will be happiest.

I spent a Summer in Norway and the standard of living was certainly much higher. At the time, the cost of living was also much higher. I doubt that's the case now.

Since the pandemic, flexible working and wfh is very common in the UK. Therefore you may find that leaving at 3pm every day to pick up your daughter is not an issue. Civil Service jobs are very good in this way.

As your daughter is so young, she will settle easily in a new country as she won't have fixed memories of her old one.

One plus point is that English Winters are usually very mild these days in comparison to Scandi Winters.