Advice needed - DV trigger warning

[Bumbummum]

Hi, I'm new here. I need some advice on my situation. I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 10 years, and we have an 8month old daughter together.
I believe he has OCPD- at first I thought he was a narcissist but this fits him much better. He lacks empathy, and is very controlling and bossy. He is also loud, domineering, but also funny and fun socially (at least around other people). He has become increasingly controlling and domineering over the years. Sometimes this would escalate physically, although he has never "hit" me, he has restrained me, blocked me in rooms etc. Once he thought I was opening the dishwasher door deliberately onto his leg, so he kicked it shut as hard as he could on my arm and gave me a huge bruise. He didn't show any remorse at all at the time, only later...
Some other examples of terrible behaviour- we had an argument while I was driving and he pulled the handbrake to stop me (so that he could drive). Another time, I playfully poured water on him while we were hiking with friends- he reacted furiously, held me, and poured water on me as punishment..
Our relationship is quite unbalanced- he always wants to be doing something, can't sit still. He has endless projects going, is always planning things and thinking ahead. He can't stop this and finds it hard to relax. He is hyper-organised, I am the opposite... I even think I might have ADHD. It drives him mad. I have started suspecting I have BPD, ADHD or cPTSD, as I am also easily riled by him, easy upset... I have doubted myself so much in all of this, that I am crazy and throwing away something good.

Anyway- right now- just after the birth he was physical with me twice. The first time was 2 days after (a very traumatic) birth, he told me to stay in bed (he was worried I would collapse), however I got up to get a glass of water. He reacted angrily, blocked me from getting water, pulled the glass out of my hand, then dragged me out of the kitchen. My reaction to that was to sit down and scream, and when he wouldnt let go, I kicked him, then he let me go and called me crazy.

A few days later we were arguing, I was holding the baby. I was being quite unreasonable I think, and he wanted to take the baby away. I refused and said he couldnt take her in an argument. He held me down and took her by force... and gave me bruises.

This all came up just now with a couples therapist we are seeing- and she reported him to the local social services for an investigation. When I told him I couldn't move past this, he cried in bed for an entire day. He begged me, he was on hands and knees and begged me to give him another chance. He said he would do anything to save our family. Counselling, whatever. I showed him the OCPD criteria and he agreed he might have it.

I am at a tipping point... Social services could offer me a way out of all this... Or should I believe him that his is truly sorry and give him another chance for our daughter? Is it possible that I also have a PD that is triggering HIM, and that this is my fault?

Details to add- we both live in a foreign country, so things are going to get MESSY if we split.

To add- he does SO much for our house. He manages everything, all the bills, finances, all projects, all DIY, he works like CRAZY all the time to make our home good.

That's good right? He's very responsible. If he was lazy and useless it would be so much easier.

Nothing about this is good.
Of course you need to split.

None of it is your fault. His behaviour is making you feel crazy. You're easily upset because he's abusive and you never know what might set him off.

He doesn't deserve any more chances but you might need to be careful how you go about extricating yourself from this because you're in not in your own country.

He sounds dreadful @Bumbummum...and scary. Use the social services intervention to get you and your baby out of there...crying and begging and playing the victim is exactly what abusers do in this type of situation, and he doesn't deserve another chance, he's had too many already and now there is a tiny girl to protect as well as yourself.

Get your ducks in a row and get out of there, and then deal with the mess when you're a safe distance from him.

Some things ARE good. It's not all bad. We have had lovely trips together over the years. He is very close to our baby daughter and loves her very very much.

I can't leave him when he is saying he will do anything to save our family? I can't stand the guilt of hurting him, or of destroying our family.

That's how abusers work, of course some things have been good otherwise you wouldn't have stayed there, but the bad things are definitely bad enough to justify you leaving. You aren't destroying your family, he is, and there is no guilt in protecting your baby daughter...that's what mums do...

I know it's hard, I've just got out of a similar (but much less violent) abusive relationship, and I understand that your emotions pull you in all directions. But the description of what's been happening in your first post is heartbreaking, do you really want your little girl to think this is what life is about?

Get your counsellor to help you, she is obviously concerned enough to have contacted social services - and she's a professional who sees this kind of thing all the time. You and your little one deserve a happy and stress-free life, please take this chance to get it.

Personally I wouldn’t be bothered stopping to decide if it’s ptsd, adhd, ocd or anything else. He’s a danger to you and possibly your child.

Either he has to leave or you and your child. Please contact Women’s Aid for advice.
No man , however funny or sociable, has the right to humiliate you, drag you, bully you, tell you what to do.
Get out while you can.

You should put your baby first OP, leave for her if nothing else. There's no need to feel guilt for anything you believe you are doing to him. Even if you don't care about yourself enough to walk away, you should do this for your daughter.

And fwiw, I agree with a PP - it's irrelevant what you believe is causing his behaviour. All you need to know is that his behaviour is harmful, toxic and abusive.

@Bumbummum

I can't leave him when he is saying he will do anything to save our family? I can't stand the guilt of hurting him, or of destroying our family.

You aren't destroying your family, it's already broken. By him. And it will only get more and more broken. He lashes out, loses his temper and causes you bruises. It doesn't matter whether he shoves you into a wall, and the wall causes the bruising or if he does it with his fists, he's still being violent.

And your child will witness all of this and it will cause lifelong damage. You are showing her that an aggressive, domineering partner will be her normal. It's intergenerational unless you step away from the dynamic entirely.

Take the offer from SS - you aren't breaking up a family, you are saving a child from a childhood of fear and chaos and giving them a better life.

Growing up witnessing that is going to seriously damage your daughter. I grew up in a house where it happened. I was not in any way ok. None of my siblings have ever had a normal relationship. Please get her away.

His behaviour is the cause of his distress. Your logical and correct reaction to his behaviour - ie, to want to get the hell away from this bahviour, is not. So it would be ridiculous to feel guilty.

Him crying and pleading is a way to try to convince both of you that you can make a choice to stay and thereby "save the marriage".

But you can't save it. It isn't in your power. Because, so long as he is the person who unpredictably assaults you (and I'm not sure there is any remedy for this or not, I expect he is who he is tbh) , there is no marriage to save. His behaviour has destroyed it. His. You can't mend that, it isn't in your power to, so don't feel guilty about doing the right thing for you and your dd.

Agree that nothing is good in your relationship as you've described it.
DIY and paying bills does not make a person good.
Someone that loves their child does not abuse the mother.
That's what it is, abuse.
He's crying because he's losing control, it won't be long, if you don't capitulate, that he'll turn violent again once he realises he can't control you through tears.
I grew up with an abusive father, I'm in my 50s and my childhood haunts me still.
My heart breaks for the little girl that I once was, it never leaves me.
As an adult I cant bare to be touched, I've had to practically train myself not to flinch if anyone tries to hug me.
A raised voice will make me jump out of my skin and reduce me to tears.
Do not let your child be raised in an abusive home

He’s a psycho
He’s also NOT a good dad he’s abusing and terrorising her mother
You know when you started this thread many things are wrong
Take the chance and help offered and leave before he kills you and leaves your child without a mother

He will continue to hurt you and possibly hurt your baby.

You need to leave. Now.

Better a messy split than a dead mother. Because if he was prepared to remove your child from you by force this is where this is going. He is likely the cause of many of your mental health worries/issues.
LEAVE.
He is manipulating you to stay
LEAVE
You owe your daughter a better life than growing up in fear and terror and wondering when her father will start hitting her
LEAVE

Abusers are nice sometimes. I’m sure some people thought Harold Shipman was a lovely doctor. Just because there’s periods of things being good, that doesn’t make up for this abuse. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

He has destroyed your relationship, not you.

Your responsibility is to your daughter and role-modelling healthy relationships to her. He's an adult, it's not your job to fix him no matter how much he tries to manipulate you by crying about it. Why didn't he have this revelation before he kicked a dishwasher door into your leg or before he left bruises on you? Pretty convenient that it's only when he realises you might leave that he feels bad about it.

All abusers are nice sometimes. Every one of them. No woman would end up in a relationship with them if they weren't. That's why you feel like you're going crazy. Get out. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your daughter.

He could hurt your child. You need to leave.

Take the get out of jail card.
It is only dumb luck that your baby hasn't been hurt. He can't control himself. He has shown you very clearly how unstable he is.

And have a good hard think about him wanting to do "anything" to fix his family.

If it was within his power to fix it, why didn't he do that ages ago and prevent the violence, abuse and fear in the home all this time?

So it's pretty much something he needs to say in order to prevent you leaving. And he'll be sweet for a while. It'll be blissful. Then the violence and abuse will be back worse than before. It's how every single story of an abusive partner goes.

You may think he's special and unique, not like abusive blokes you've heard stories of and you'll feel he's somehow capable of changing - we all thought that. Each and every one of us, with our wonderful charismatic men who, if they could only just fix this one part of him, our lives would be blissfully perfect.

But the violence and abuse are built in. Those traits are the structure his whole personality is founded on. It's no more possible to remove those traits from him than it would be to remove his whole skeleton from his body.

Powerfully said @Drinkingallthewine, we all hope they'll change, or that somehow something we do or say can change them.

The only person we can change is ourselves, and get ourselves and the children as far away from these abusers as possible.

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