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Original poster

Holiday with In-Laws?

27 replies

Arsenal123 · 27/08/2022 09:22

My in-laws want us to book 2 weeks off and purchase an AI holiday in the Caribbean with them in Winter for one of their 50th.

I originally said it was a possibility but the time to book has come and I don't know if I'd enjoy it.

We recently came back from a AI beach holiday in Europe. I'm not a fan of the queue for the buffet and (unfairly) reserve a sun lounger type holiday and like to decide my own destination and things like flights.

It would be great to get some winter sun but I am an introvert and a little self-conscious (body image) so I prefer it to be just me and my partner on holidays.

I feel a little guilty about this and the chances are I could enjoy the holiday but these reservations are weighing on me. I know this will be a point of contention too and likely provoke some ill will towards me in the wider family. I often get stressed about others opinion of me and I need to work on that.

I'd prefer to spend the £4-5K on the house.

OP posts:
WimpoleHat · 27/08/2022 09:25

Are they expecting you to pay for it? If so, I think wholly unreasonable to expect you to fork out £5k and take two weeks off. A weekend break? Maybe. A meal out? For sure. But a fortnight long haul is OTT.

Bobbins36 · 27/08/2022 09:28

poss you may have let them believe it was a go-er…? As it’s for a big birthday too I would suck it up and go if money isn’t an issue. If it is then obviously tell them that and be prepared they might make an offer to contribute to your costs.

2 weeks for a family members 50th does sound OTT on the other hand…and no way would I have entertained the suggestion for 2 weeks anywhere with my in laws 😂

Berthatydfil · 27/08/2022 09:29

So they aren't offering to pay for it then? £4-£5 k is not a small amount of money and to be spending that on a holiday it should be something you want to do. And thats not taking into account the annual leave either.
Your dh should speak to them and explain its a lovely (?) idea but sadly just not doable. What a shame you have a lot of expense coming up in the next few months/really worried about rising mortgage and energy costs etc .

TheTeenageYears · 27/08/2022 09:30

I'm a strong believer that unless one party is paying for the other to go on a family holiday then everyone gets to decide if they want to go, where and the budget. I really don't like others trying to dictate how I spend my money. If the IL's want to go away to celebrate a 50th then great but they either pay for others to go or don't guilt trip you into going.

Shoxfordian · 27/08/2022 09:33

There’s absolutely no way in hell I would do two weeks with my in-laws tbh

DisforDarkChocolate · 27/08/2022 09:34

I can't imagine letting my in-laws spend £5,000 of my money.

Also, it's 50!!! WTF are the going to want you to spend for their 60th, 70th etc. if you accept this as a benchmark?

Original poster
Arsenal123 · 27/08/2022 09:46

Yes I had given the impression it might be a go-er. My own fault for being polite but it was brought up at dinner in front other several others and I felt bad giving a flat no. Plus it caught me off guard and I didn't have a chance to think. This fault is my own.

Yes I am expected to pay. I don't know if they plan on paying for my partner because although we earn the same she spends a lot more than I do (a point of contention as I have warned she will have no cash in an emergency due to her not saving) so it's unlikely she'd be able to afford up to 3K with the other trips we have planned and the cost of living crisis.

Although I am drained by work I often find I need more time after long haul flights to recover. I get a little sick and find air travel uncomfortable. That being said if it's somewhere I really want to go I will make it work. I had the idea of suggesting somewhere closer like Cape Verde which would be half the price but am I highjacking their celebration?

OP posts:
Bobbins36 · 27/08/2022 09:51

Maybe your partner needs to step in and say neither of you can afford it given the current climate? That’s not unreasonable?

averythinline · 27/08/2022 09:53

Just say no ...having thought about it you dont want to go...
If nothings booked noone loses ..

MzHz · 27/08/2022 10:07

averythinline · 27/08/2022 09:53

Just say no ...having thought about it you dont want to go...
If nothings booked noone loses ..

This. A quick message to them now and it’s done

all you then do is say “it’s not something we can afford without cutting back on things that are really needed”

Original poster
Arsenal123 · 27/08/2022 10:09

The truth is I could probably afford it and they will likely pay for their only child but it doesn't seem like a good use of money and would not be my preference. I don't want to upset or offend anyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Arsenal123 · 27/08/2022 10:11

It's a holiday at the end of the day. Why do people have to ascribe the "for my 60th 70th" etc at the end?

OP posts:
Josette77 · 27/08/2022 10:26

How long have you and your partner been together? Can she go on her own?

EmEllGee · 27/08/2022 10:26

No! They can’t expect you to pay that. I’d offer a weekend in the UK instead. If they offer to pay, or pay part - then I’d maybe suck it up. My in-laws wanted us all to go on a cruise, but they were planning to pay for it all.

Ive just been away with in laws. It was fine, we had part holiday with them - part holiday just us.

I snuck off in the evenings to my own space and read a book, while they all chatted. I did feel a bit like a second fiddle. But I could see they all loved it, and was nice for them to spend precious time together. Equally - DP has to suck it up somewhat when we stay with DM.

DPotter · 27/08/2022 10:28

You have the prefect opportunity in the shape of the energy crisis to say you can't afford it.

If you feel you have to go, could you go for just a week ? Oh and don't pay for your partner.

Practise saying "I'll need to think about that" when asked about joining people on holiday, moving in with them sharing lifts etc.

And stop being so worried about upsetting people or giving offence. If they are reasonable people they will understand and if they are not reasonable - well that's just the way it is. It's not good to let others force you to do something you don't want to do

CatSeany · 27/08/2022 10:37

What are finances like between you and your partner? We aren't married but we share all of our money, and an offer to pay for one of us would just mean 50% off our joint bill as we'd both cover the rest of the costs together. If that wouldn't be the case for you, and you would have to pay for yourself, then I definitely wouldn't go. I'd just let my partner go and I'd have two weeks of quiet at home.

Porcupineintherough · 27/08/2022 13:20

Them expecting you to pay for yourself gives you the perfect get out - you just say "cost of living blah, blah, blah" and don't go. Far harder to change your mind if they were footing the bill.

MrsDrudge · 27/08/2022 13:28

Agree with previous posters - tell them your financial circumstances won’t allow it and you have to reconsider given the rising cost of living.
To be conciliatory maybe you could offer to do something else with them as a celebration? A weekend away or a meal out?

aloris · 27/08/2022 15:28

After a week on holiday with my in-laws (who are lovely people) I am climbing the walls. I cannot imagine spending two weeks with them on holiday. It's not only the money but the two weeks of your time off of work. They are basically speaking for a large proportion of your free time for the year (not to mention thousands of dollars of your income). I would not like the enforced companionship for such a long period of time.

Another issue to consider is, how many in-laws fit into this category of family member. If it's a parent, then it might make more sense (only two parents-in-law) but if it's a sibling then you could be dealing with one of these things every three years for the next 15 years, each time a sibling OR parent-in-law has a milestone. Given that it's a 50th birthday it sounds more like a sibling but I guess if you are both young then it could be her parents? Look out for the same expectation to be placed on you for the 60th, 65th, 70th, and once they are too old to travel you'll be expected to curtail your own vacation travel so you can spend the time with them instead. I'm extrapolating yes but I speak from experience, although my obligatory "holidays" are one week rather than two.

Original poster
Arsenal123 · 27/08/2022 16:52

We've been together 6 years, married for 1.
The in-laws are parents. Partner: their only child and they call everyday.

I would be paying for myself in full while in laws would likely be paying for her.
The last holiday they went on which I excused myself from due to having no annual leave was a city break. Dad was apparently complaining a lot about walking and the weather. I love to walk. I suggested they go together but mum doesn't want us to be apart.

OP posts:
Original poster
Arsenal123 · 04/10/2022 19:47

I've backed out and now nobody involved is speaking to me, unless they have to (and with passive aggression). I let slip that I felt pressured in to going and they took it as badly as possible. Probably for the best as we have started to feel the pinch this month.

OP posts:
AlwaysFoldingWashing · 04/10/2022 20:00

@Arsenal123 honestly, I think you've done the right thing. This is obviously a horrible situation that you're in now, but I wouldn't want to be stuck anywhere with anyone for two weeks who would act like this! I think it was way over the top and self indulgent of them to ask other people to spend that much money and use that much annual leave up for something that is important to them but nobody else... I think you dodged a bullet but hope things are better soon

Original poster
Arsenal123 · 07/10/2022 07:04

I think it's going to be one of those points of contention that lasts forever and is used against me at times in the future. Just got to make the best of things.

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 07/10/2022 07:09

For what it's worth I think 4-5K is a lot of money for something you don't want to do.

Travellingraspberry · 07/10/2022 07:18

Well done for standing up for yourself. I thought initially that they were funding the trip but to expect you to pay is not on!
Having said that, would a compromise be for you just to go for one week? I appreciate that is still going to be a lot of money though

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