I need a place to share what’s really going on behind closed doors…

[1246aimee]

Hi, apologies for the incoming download of shit but things are getting out of hand and I need to get this off my chest without the judgement and ‘told you so’s from friends and family. Things are getting so out of hand and I really don’t know what to do…

We have two children (6yo girl and 14 mo boy) and have been together nearly 11 years. The arguments started when our LG was born, mostly around money - I’m shit with it, have no savings etc so can forgive him for these early ones. However, since finding out we were pregnant again he became even more argumentative and hurtful, calling me names and screaming at me infront of our LG, like every week he’d flip because I didn’t answer his question quick enough, or I didn’t remind her to tidy the playroom.

When it came to it, I went into an elective C section with our LB on my own because he didn’t want to go in (I’m pretty sure there’s some post-natal PTSD after our daughter, he just refuses to get help).

He set up his own business 3 years ago and works 24/7 with zero help (not through lack of me trying). He’s an all or nothing man, very ambitious and has to be the best at whatever he sets his mind to. I had a full time job that I loved prior to having our son, and I was made redundant during Mat Leave - he stated that we were financially sound and that there was no pressure to find another job, so we agreed that I’d stay home and raise our family.

Now that my income is zero, the arguments are really severe - as soon as he comes down in the morning it starts. Repetitive name calling to include ‘you’re a selfish b%}h’, ‘you lazy c^t’, ‘you’re a cancer in my life’, ‘f#%k off out of my life’ etc. Each roasting like this will last on average 2 hours and the language is unbearable. Infront of our babies. I walk away from him to make it stop, but it makes him angrier. Sometimes I bite back which I hate myself for, but what am I supposed to do?? He has shaken me twice in the last 4 weeks, gets really up close to my face, grabs my face to force me to look at him, pokes me and pushes me. Arguments are mostly focused on money, and how I never organise anything for the family to do together on his days off, I don’t make him feel loved, I never think of planning nice stuff to do just us… which is true. I don’t do those things because in the past he’s always found an excuse not to go! So many cancelled dinner plans, cinema trips, lunch dates, family days out… he doesn’t seem to comprehend that when he puts me down like he does I have zero will to make him feel ‘special’ 🤦🏻‍♀️ After these rantings we’ve always moved on from them eventually, not mentioning the previous row.

Anyway, today he hit a peak during his daily dose of verbal abuse and told me to leave for my own good - I make him so angry he can no longer control himself and he will likely kill me next time. I wouldn’t say I’m scared, just numb to everything he says if that makes sense? Almost like I don’t believe him.

My family & friends know nothing of what’s going on. I have no money or savings. I have no job. I have two babies whom I love dearly - my heart knows I need to take them away from this, but my head tells me to stay - he’s super tired, stressed, over worked, lonely and all the other excuses/justifications I tell myself. I just don’t know where to go or what to do. Help please! Xx

Gamerchick that is quite harsh, when the OP is is such a difficult situation and at her lowest. Poverty traps women in these situations. She needs help leaving with her children not having them taken away although I know this is societies preferred option. I think there has been some good advice here. If you can get through to the helplines they can give you an action plan hopefully. Leaving is the most dangerous time for a woman though and until the abuser moves on to someone else.

Police and women’s aid . You must leave, I would believe what he’s saying . You do not have to put up with this, he’s treating you like this because he’s been allowed to get away with it . Pathetic excuse of a man !!

Do this only if you can collate paperwork without him noticing...

Please don't give him any inkling that you're leaving...

The critical thing is that you and your kids leave today and safely.

Amass any money, even if its only a fiver /tenner... As long as he doesn't notice.

There's lots of evidence that RISK dramatically increases when men realise women are leaving.

You MUST leave... Or it is likely your children will grow up without a mother.

Just vanish... To anywhere... If your parents/family are safe.. Go there... Preferably somewhere where he can't guess/a.good way away.

Do not post anything to social media... Abusers are very good at using this... Sometimes approaching friends with stories of how you've 'gone missing', how worried he is and can they help?

It's not clear whether from your OP whether he is working from home?

If he does you can leave in the guise of going shopping /anything you would normally do... Or pop out for a pint of milk,taking both kids for 'fresh air'...

Make it as normal as possible.

If you've got a car... Can you secretly load up some overnight essential bags today and hide the car around the corner? If hes working long hours would he notice?

Whatever you do, do not arouse suspicion.

If you think you're not going to be able to exit the house safely call the police Domestic violence unit. They can be present as you leave.
I would tell them anyway that you're leaving today after threats to kill.

There's a helpful app called brightsky for lots of info re DV... But it looks like a weather app... If you just press a specific button quickly

Please, please phone Women's Aid and tell them what you have told us.

I know you say family and friends don't know - could you show them what you have posted here? They won't want to stand by and let this continue x

Kids don't have a voice. Kindly don't tell me what to say and what not.

I didn't say they needed to be taken away. I said send them somewhere safe. They aren't safe.

2 young kids watching hours of their father abuse their mother. This is this little girls normal and will have an affect on her in adulthood and the choices she will make in her own relationships, never mind the therapy she'll need. A little boy growing up learning how to treat women. Trust me I was being mild in my response.

Don't be worried about 'told you so' family. They were clearly worried about you and they can now help.

Reading this sent chills down me and I feel so sad and scared for you and your kids.

Having been that six year old girl, witnessing the abuse of her mother, I can say with complete honesty that leaving is the best thing you could possibly do for you all but especially so for her. By staying you are normalising his behaviour. By leaving you are showing your girl that you won’t stand for it and deserve better, so much better.

I’ve never been in a relationship where someone has abused me, though it did come close once and I left at the first signs of it. Perhaps this is because I witnessed my mother leave and rebuild her life and I had this deep knowing that I deserved more. She’s one of the strongest women I know, financially independent, and I’m so proud of her.

Sending you lots of love and strength. Go to your trusted family and friends and start over. You’re worthy of a good life 💛

You can do this OP. Tell the people who care about you.

Even he knows he is wrong , and he is telling you to go.
Please call one of the options above and pack a bag today and leave.

This is terrifying. Just to add to what everyone else has already said. I know someone who was in a similar situation and before she left she had an appointment at the police station. They added her mobile number so some kind of red list and made notes of her address etc. it was in case she called 999 and wasn't able to talk, they would know that she needed checked on. Not sure if that's still a thing but it would be good to check. Please take this seriously, I do also know someone who ended up dead and the husband almost got away with it. Imagine he kills you and then he is left raising your daughter. That's even worse than him ending up in jail! I'm afraid you have no choice, you have to get away!

Please leave. Do your friends and family know he's not good that you're worried about the told you so from your OP?
womand aid will help get you sorted with benefits and a home. Please don't let money etc stop you. You've worked full time before you can get back on your feet again.

I grew up in an mentally abusive home - it's scary for children, they'll feel the fear don't put them through it. Best of luck. We'll all support you.

He is abusing your children as well as you OP. If you want to really hurt someone, you don’t do the hurt to them directly. You do it to the person they love most in the world and make them watch. For your children, that’s you. Please don’t think that you’re taking it to spare them - you are all victims of domestic abuse together. The police and social services will help you. Please get out and don’t ever go back. Call 999 now if you feel unsafe. The police will come and they will help you get away from this man who is hurting you and your children. It is so hard but you can do this and you need to do it.

your suggestion is to send them away somewhere gamerchick knowing that women do not instinctively abandon their children to live with an arsehole. If she sends them to live with a relative she might as well go too. If social take them into care there is no guarantee of a happy non abusuve life there either. I know why you are suggesting this in order for the OP to get help I just don’t think now is the time to stick the boot in.

Repeating this because it’s so good:

”[Gather paperwork] only if you can collate paperwork without him noticing...

Please don't give him any inkling that you're leaving...

The critical thing is that you and your kids leave today and safely.

Amass any money, even if its only a fiver /tenner... As long as he doesn't notice.

There's lots of evidence that RISK dramatically increases when men realise women are leaving.

You MUST leave... Or it is likely your children will grow up without a mother.

Just vanish... To anywhere... If your parents/family are safe.. Go there... Preferably somewhere where he can't guess/a.good way away.

Do not post anything to social media... Abusers are very good at using this... Sometimes approaching friends with stories of how you've 'gone missing', how worried he is and can they help?

It's not clear whether from your OP whether he is working from home?

If he does you can leave in the guise of going shopping /anything you would normally do... Or pop out for a pint of milk,taking both kids for 'fresh air'...

Make it as normal as possible.

If you've got a car... Can you secretly load up some overnight essential bags today and hide the car around the corner? If hes working long hours would he notice?

Whatever you do, do not arouse suspicion.

If you think you're not going to be able to exit the house safely call the police Domestic violence unit. They can be present as you leave.

I would tell them anyway that you're leaving today after threats to kill.

There's a helpful app called brightsky for lots of info re DV... But it looks like a weather app... If you just press a specific button quickly”

You feel numb because this abuse has been so serious for so long but it is clear he will do you terrible harm and likely kill you if you don’t leave. This abuse is damaging your DCs terribly also. You don’t want them thinking this is normal. Do NOT tell him what you’re doing. Act as natural as possible. Get out anyway you can - trip to the shops, the park etc. Boots and, I think also Superdrug, are part of a scheme where you can go in and use their consulting room to ring for assistance. But any crowded public place would do.

Your little children will be listening to his every word and be traumatised for life, please leave for them, please - you deserve so much better - get your children out

One question @1246aimee Does he treat his employees and his clients this way?

No, I thought not.

Get your stuff together to leave. If not for your own safety, for your children’s. This is no environment for them. Go to your parents. You don’t have to tell them everything straight away - just get there as a place of safety.

Good luck

Contact women's aid immediately. As a domestic abuse victim, they will be able to put you up in a hostel and help you find a council house. They told me that as a domestic abuse victim, you count as homeless and therefore go to near the top of the list.

You’re not safe. Please pack some things and leave. The only thing that matters is that you and the children are safe.

Refuge not hostel. (Apparently they are mostly pretty ok)

He has been slowly chipping away at you for years, isolating you from family and friends to the point where you feel like you can't tell them that you are terrified every day. He is the one who has planted that seed that makes you think your family won't throw the doors open and take you in or that they will say I told you so. He has taken every belief you have in yourself so you believe that you can't make money and support your kids and that staying with him is the only option because they'll be living in poverty. He has twisted your mental health and self esteem to believe that this is a normal relationship and it's not because he is an abusive predator but that he is stressed and going through a lot or that everyone argues with their partner.

Everything he has fed you is lies. If you were my sister/daughter/cousin/friend and showed up on my door telling me you don't feel safe I would take you in in and second until you got settled and help you through every step of the process. Even if you don't have family that have space womens aid would get you set up and there are amazing charities that are in place to support you and the kids, there would be benefits to support you until you were able to work and hv can sometimes get funding for extra nursery hours in difficult situations where it would benefit the child. You have worked before and will work again and have that confidence in yourself that you can support your kids. This life you are living is not normal and there are NO excuses, if he's stressed he could have accessed mental health support, if he was tired he could have gone for a rest. He is a bully and the situation will never improve with him, he threatens you to make himself feel bigger better and stronger. Please don't let your little girl believe that this is the way her precious mummy should be treated and that in the future she deserves to be treated.

Get out. Even if you all make it alive your kids will be irreparably harmed by this, sorry to be blunt but they might already be. Get in touch with your family and friends and Women’s Aid. Stay with anyone who will have you. Eventually you can get another job and you’ll be entitled to benefits in the meantime- you’ll manage and at least you’ll be alive. Better a few “I told you so’s” than a dead mum for your kids. Plus I suspect your family and friends already know what’s happening and may be more supportive than you imagine.

Joining voices of others. Leave as soon as it’s safe to do so.

One of my closest friends left her abusive shit of a husband just before lockdown after 30+ years together & us telling her to leave for those years. I can promise you we didn’t say ‘I told you so’ as we are so relieved that she had finally got the courage to go.

Good luck.

You are brave and strong enough to leave . Think of how wonderful your new life will be in a years time, in your own peaceful place without the abuse.

“Get in touch with your family and friends and Women’s Aid. Stay with anyone who will have you. Eventually you can get another job and you’ll be entitled to benefits in the meantime- you’ll manage and at least you’ll be alive. Better a few “I told you so’s” than a dead mum for your kids. Plus I suspect your family and friends already know what’s happening and may be more supportive than you imagine.”

This also. And I suspect there won’t be any I told you so’s but even if there are - so what? You cannot stay where you are.

he’s super tired, stressed, over worked, lonely and all the other excuses/justifications I tell myself. I just don’t know where to go or what to do.

None of these are justifiable reasons for his behaviour. Not one.