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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Perfect man but giving me a headache, should I end it?

49 replies

crispsndip · 26/08/2022 22:21

I really need some advice. I am only very recently separated but have started an informal thing with a lovely male friend. We’ve known each other for years and I do really trust him. We’ve been having amazing sex and we get on so well. It has passed a bit of a threshold recently with stronger feelings on both sides… I don’t know what to do.

Cons are: it is too soon, we each have kids (so complicated), I am emotionally fragile, I don’t want to be hurt, it is distracting me from all the things I need to do

Pros: I really actually almost love him, he’s kind, caring, lovely, we fit

I feel at a brink with it. Either I really let myself go or I end it, mainly to avoid getting hurt which is reasonable

help!

OP posts:

Gagagardener · 26/08/2022 22:27

If your feelings for him are as strong as you suggest, then you won't be able to end it. If you end it, they weren't that strong.

Original poster

crispsndip · 26/08/2022 22:30

Thanks for replying @Gagagardener. I feel I could now, and be moderately upset but any longer and no, I would be making myself vulnerable to another heartbreak so soon after my marriage. I would (and almost do) love this friend. I’m holding back, and worried

OP posts:

Lottapianos · 26/08/2022 22:31

First things first, he's not 'perfect'. No one is. Don't put that pressure on either him or you

That said, it sounds like you're having a great time with him and that it's all going really well. Are you just panicking that it's all too good to be true? Who says it's too soon? How would you feel about telling him how you feel?

declutteringmymind · 26/08/2022 22:32

It sounds like you need to slow things down a little. Maybe explain that you are a bit overwhelmed at the pace and trajectory of things.

But count yourself lucky to have found someone who is close to perfect. You may never find him again.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/08/2022 22:33

You don't have to end it but please keep your kids out of it for a very long while. It's not fair to push new boyfriend's on kids so soon after a separation.

Lottapianos · 26/08/2022 22:37

'You don't have to end it but please keep your kids out of it for a very long while'

Very good advice

Serpicoo · 26/08/2022 22:42

Just enjoy, it may be rebound, it might not be.
Enjoy the moment! If it lasts, it's a bonus.

Gottoomuchgoingon · 26/08/2022 22:43

Don't end it if you're having a good time. Enjoy it

yougotthelook · 26/08/2022 22:45

crispsndip · 26/08/2022 22:30

Don't end it
Go with it
Life is so short just enjoy it x

MMmomDD · 26/08/2022 22:53

OP - don’t be silly. You have a good thing going here and it has a good potential.
BUT you are both adults and given the intricacies of the situation and kids involved - surely you can figure out a way to proceed with caution….
You are just out of a relationship - so no need to rush anything, really.

See each other and have fun. But don’t go to blended family stage any time soon.
Surely this is possible?

it doesn’t have to be all or noting. You aren’t In a rom com

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 26/08/2022 22:59

Don't give up on a great guy! Just take it very slowly.

feckoffbrian · 26/08/2022 23:09

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 26/08/2022 22:59

Don't give up on a great guy! Just take it very slowly.

This

Original poster

crispsndip · 27/08/2022 08:15

This is actually really helpful advice. Thank you. I think as the feelings started to increase I felt that panic of vulnerability and wanted to push it one way or the other, but it sounds like the best thing to do would be to just accept the feelings but do nothing.

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 27/08/2022 08:28

The thing is, great guy or not, you seem to be getting the instinct to end it.

That either means you just aren't ready atm to risk vulnerability (which which need to be for a relationship that is healthy). Or, that your senses are telling you that despite how he is on paper...something isn't right.

For example, you say he make you feel like you have focus for anything else. Is that just because it's a heady crush? Or does he actually hog your time/attention? (Eg, texting a lot).

Pinkbonbon · 27/08/2022 08:29

*no focus for

Original poster

crispsndip · 27/08/2022 08:37

It’s a heady crush but also I think the nature of these things is hard for me. I don’t know how to have a boyfriend who isn’t fully integrated into my life. Is vulnerability this? The feeling that you might get hurt? It’s been six months.

OP posts:

SpindleInTheWind · 27/08/2022 08:42

Do you mean that you think about him all day?

Original poster

crispsndip · 27/08/2022 08:43

On and off!

OP posts:

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 27/08/2022 08:51

I have a fiancé who I adore, but I kept him at arms length for 2 years! He did the same to be fair. I have avoidant attachment issues and he was immediately out of a marriage when we met.
this meant we went sloooow. Saw each other 2 nights per week for 2 years. Kept our own homes and finances and other matters separate. Eventually we had some honest conversations about how we felt and kind of both let go and fell into the way we felt and we are now getting married. We both now feel safe, and it took that long to get there. That's ok! There is no timeline you should be following. If you can keep things as they are, rather than getting more 'serious', how would you feel?

by the way we have now been together for nearly 4 years in case someone says '2 years isn't that long or taking it slow' - the first 2 years was the arms length period!

Original poster

crispsndip · 27/08/2022 09:01

@CloseYourEyesAndSee yes I’d like that! It sounds very nice. We live a way apart anyway so it has to be a bit like that by nature. I suppose I also worry he’ll meet someone else.

OP posts:

Original poster

crispsndip · 27/08/2022 09:07

To be clear: it is my response to the situation that is giving me a headache! Rather than anything he is doing

OP posts:

crimsonlake · 27/08/2022 09:07

I think you are right to question yourself...recently separated and straight in to a new relationship.
Are you in the midst of a divorce, are the finances sorted, was the split amicable?
Context matters here, are you really emotionally in a good place to move on so quickly or is it a case you are using this relationship to bury your head in the sand and forget what is going on in the rest of your life?

FlamesofAnor · 27/08/2022 09:13

How are you in communicating and having open conversations?
Have you talked about exclusivity?

I think key here is to sit down and talk about boundaries and what you are looking for and at what pace so you know if you are both on the same page. That will also give you a sense of control and what to expect.

If he is rubbish at communicating and working together as a team to tackle any doubts,insecurities,etc from both sides then potentially you could be leaving yourself open for getting hurt.

Original poster

crispsndip · 27/08/2022 09:19

Yes, we have talked about exclusivity and are. But that doesn’t cover emotional exclusivity, and there are complex issues with his ex (they’re still very close, which should be good, but is difficult for me). I am in the middle of my divorce which is not amicable (my ex was never amicable even when married). It was a very nourishing friendship but I worry as a romance it is making me feel more insecure.

OP posts:

Original poster

crispsndip · 27/08/2022 09:20

It’s really useful what everyone is saying

OP posts:

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