Perfect man but giving me a headache, should I end it?

[crispsndip]

I really need some advice. I am only very recently separated but have started an informal thing with a lovely male friend. We’ve known each other for years and I do really trust him. We’ve been having amazing sex and we get on so well. It has passed a bit of a threshold recently with stronger feelings on both sides… I don’t know what to do.

Cons are: it is too soon, we each have kids (so complicated), I am emotionally fragile, I don’t want to be hurt, it is distracting me from all the things I need to do

Pros: I really actually almost love him, he’s kind, caring, lovely, we fit

I feel at a brink with it. Either I really let myself go or I end it, mainly to avoid getting hurt which is reasonable

help!

I think it is too soon and you are right to be worried.

Just slow it right down.

Mid divorce is a headfucking time!

I never usually remember usernames but are you the poster who said her ex was a red flag factory outlet? (Such a good turn of phrase it stuck with me.) If so the likelihood is you’re pretty battered emotionally from this relationship and probably your poor mind needs a break. You need to reset yourself, and learn to live independently and recover from your marriage. I expect that’s what’s giving you this nagging feeling that you need out.

Also I’d be concerned that if you’re ricocheting out of a marriage into this intense relationship that he may not turn out to be a good pick in the long run either. Obviously I have no idea and I hope he’s wonderful! But there’s a well known thing isn’t
there where someone goes from a Grade A dickhead to a Grade C dickhead and finds them wonderful (in comparison) rather than being free to find someone who’s not a dickhead at all. Have you done counselling/freedom programme/just some calm clear thinking about whether you want another relationship, and what you would want that person/relationship to be like?

If I were you I’d do what everyone is suggesting, front up to him that there’s loads going on at the moment and you need to take it slow.

it’s ok and very empowering to be an independent person with a boyfriend you can choose to see or not see.

Similar situation to me. I left a 28 year marriage following years of abuse. A male friend was a great support for many years, we never saw each other as anything but friends. I was emotionally raw, extremely fragile. Silly things set me off but he always stepped in and calmly helped me sort stuff out. After a few months things developed and we started a fwb style relationship. I fell in love and tried to end it, I wasn't ready or strong enough to cope with more heartache. But I couldn't do it. We talked, realised what we had could work as we had a great friendship. We started out as friends and had shared so much, we knew the 'real' version of each other - the good and bad! Four years later we are still together. We took it slowly, one night a week for a year. Then an evening or two, a weekend, week away etc. We won't live together, we have lots of time away from each other doing our own thing. It works. I suffered so much anxiety for about 18 months, picking it to pieces, dreading being hurt again, not believing anyone would actually want me, be able to love me. You used the term about being a perfect fit, that's exactly how we feel. We fit together in every sense. Don't throw it away, enjoy it! Proceed slowly, agree the basics, have some fun, be nurtured and loved. Good luck 💐

Just stop putting pressure on yourself, take it slow and enjoy the journey, dont have to be putting down commitments, just enjoy the dates etc and explain your wanting to go slowly and see where it takes you, it may go somewhere it may not but why does it matter if your enjoying yourself?

This has been my most useful ever post on mumsnet. You’re all so right— I need to take it very slow. The turbulence I’m feeling is because of my circumstances and my weakness. And you’re right about how sometimes it is such a relief someone isn’t abusive you imagine them to be more perfect than they are. God poor me, I feel through the mincer.

@freeandfierce I love your story. Do you think of him as your boyfriend? Has he met your friends etc? I wish we could do this

I have to say this is cobblers.

But anyway, if you really like him and he likes you OP, then I’d have a talk about all the complexity and what you both want and then take it slowly. It would be a shame to waste it.

I'm so glad the replies are helping.

I am wondering whether you've ever had a break from relationships. If not, maybe this is a good time - I feel the way you're describing this relationship you already sound so anxious that he might meet someone else etc, how long were you actually "single" between splitting with your ex and things starting with this guy (be honest, we don't know you remember). You sound anxious about being on your own. But this is such a good time to build/rebuild your non-sexual relationships - see friends or family, get involved in something you love doing (I bloody hate the word hobby but if you love woodwork or reading or going to the gym, doing something sociable involving those). Being in a really dramatic relationship with your ex probably makes you feel that your romantic life should always be taking up all your time and attention. But actually the ideal is either being single or having a wonderful supportive relationships where you mean a lot to each other of course, but you also concentrate on other supportive relationships and FUN.

You are very wise @TheHideAndSeekingHill

That would be the ideal, what you are describing, and in fact I’ve always had long spates of being alone. It’s just this happened at this time and I like it enough to want to keep it, but also know it’s hard at the moment. I think I just need to keep distance and fun, which I had been doing well before recently when I felt more like I was falling in love. I actually have a clue of how to get a handle on it now, this has been so helpful. You’re also right that because my ex was intense and abusive I may think love is supposed to feel like that. So wise. This really helps. Are you all actually my best friends pretending you can’t work out who I am? Feels like it!

Ha pretty sure I'm not but I'm glad this is helping you think it out.

Good luck with it all and you can always come back and let us know how it pans out :)

Yes I do now! He's met one friend, I don't have many after moving away and trying to rebuild my life. I don't have any family in the UK as they all emigrated so he is a big part of my life. It was definitely fate.

That sounds really nice.

@freeandfierce can I just ask if you have kids?

No we don't which makes a big difference. I have step children but they are both adults.

Sounds like you really like each other so take it slower and see where it leads, enjoy it for what it is.

After coming out a servere DV relationship I met DP 14 years ago we took it slow and only saw each other at weekends and that has been the pattern of our relationship. We still live apart in our own places, and spend weekends together. This is probably more on my terms but it works for us and although would be better financially to live together I don't think we ever will.

We only live 10 mins apart so occasionally see each other in week if we have leave from work.

Try not to think too deep about it and enjoy it for what it is.

Agreed.

everyone that comes into our lives teaches us something, and maybe this guy is a significant person, maybe he isn’t

but you can show yourself how to live under your own power, and learn to allow others space in your life and little by little to allow yourself to trust them

so keep things light, none of this planning the future stuff that sweeps us up in our heads and makes a mess when we’ve imagined things that don’t come to fruition

don’t even consider this a “proper” relationship until at least a year and then and only then start to see what’s next

just enjoy getting to know each other for now. Be honest with him and if you’re not comfortable with something, tell him.

I think after we split from the relationship we once held as central to our lives, we have a constant fear of things ending in catastrophe, and we long for more control over things in the hope of avoiding more pain. Life doesn't really work that way, though, unfortunately.

Talk to him about your feelings. You may or may not be on the same page

This really has been a brilliant thread. Thank you all so much. I feel quite excited and happy about it now again, and also able to get on with my own life. You’ve really helped me to put it into perspective.

Enjoy it but protect yourself.

The frost relationship I got in after I split up from my ex was too soon and I realise now that I was still traumatised. I fell for his lovebombing and it fucked me up for a while. After A year of being in my own house and experiencing freedom from my toxic ex, I was in the right place to date. I had strong boundaries and high expectations.

And did you get someone you liked out of it, @Musti?

I'd echo the advice about being careful, but it took me years to develop barriers and expectations of any kind, and sometimes I wonder if I'll ever really learn proper self-protection, apart from my preference for avoiding people. When people advise cautiousness I envy their ability to discern true danger! But learning to be more careful is something I acquired only by making repeated mistakes over time. So maybe there are no real mistakes in life, only learning curves, which can be sharp or shallow depending on our aptitudes and experiences... Good luck OP!!! X

Thank you all. I didn’t end it and in fact we had a nice, normal chat and I felt much better. Much more normal and able to step down from my heightened emotion.

Definitely keep the children separate for a while, otherwise go slowly and take paracetamol for the headache. Enjoy but keep your feet on the ground