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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner split up with me on holiday AIBU

35 replies

Havingacrisiz · 26/08/2022 21:46

On holiday with partner and two kids DD10 and DS 12. We had been grumpy with each other all day. Hubby had a bottle of wine then proceeds to start screaming and shouting at me, effing and blinding calling me a f bi etc and that it was over. As soon as we get home we’re going to sell the house as he’d had enough of me. The kids were in the other room and heard it all. The following day he was still blaming me telling me it was all my fault because of my moods. I spent the rest of the holiday crying in the hotel room while he was the perfect fun Dad.
For me this was the final straw. It’s the second time he has called me vicious names, told me I was vile and so on but first time in front of the children. And if I’m honest we’ve been not getting on well for years. He has now said he didn’t mean it when he said he wanted to split up and that I am being unreasonable as all couples shout and swear at each other. I don’t think I can get over this. He’s the only person who has ever shouted at me and called me such awful things. He is such a good dad in so many ways to our children and has been on his best behaviour since returning from holiday.Am I being unreasonable in thinking this is the end of the relationship? Is swearing at your partner and telling them how horrible they are really normal and I should just get over it?

OP posts:
Amsooverthis · 26/08/2022 21:51

Definitely not normal and the way to get over it is to split, it's better to have the shorter term trauma of a split than suffer this for years. It won't be the last time he does this. I would bide my time and get your ducks in a row.

TheWelshposter · 26/08/2022 21:53

I have children the same age as yours and can't even imagine how they'd feel if they had to listen to that. I feel so sad for them. I don't think I could move past that behaviour, unless there was something seriously wrong with your DH that caused him to behave like that.
Has he apologised to you or the kids yet?

Original poster
Havingacrisiz · 26/08/2022 21:58

Apologised to the kids following day for swearing. Apologised to me recently (a month later) (I’m assuming after realizing that he’s on precarious ground)

OP posts:
TheWelshposter · 26/08/2022 22:07

I've just read that this is the second time he has called you vile names. I would start preparing to leave before he starts again. I hope you and your kids are ok as can be. Kids definitely remember these incidents, I would ensure they never have to listen to it again 💐

AnyFucker · 26/08/2022 22:14

My husband of 25+ years as never once sworn at me nor called me names

And vice versa. We are a team. Our kids were brought up with unity and fairness.

What you describe is abusive, dysfunctional and is guaranteed to fuck your kids up

Shoxfordian · 26/08/2022 22:26

He can be a good dad when you’ve divorced

Its absolutely not something that happens in every relationship

cherish123 · 26/08/2022 22:38

Confused - is it husband?

AxolotlEars · 26/08/2022 22:39

My husband and I have never done this to each other. We don't always agree on everything but it's not war. Recently someone told me that everyone loved their partner and no-one would understand their breakup, I asked how they spoke to them in private and the answer was a real window into the person. I don't want a partner who is a dick in public or private. Having said all that, would he be open to counseling?

OovoofWelcome · 26/08/2022 22:40

He sounds absolutely fucking awful and yes, end it.

notanothertakeaway · 26/08/2022 22:46

My DH and I have never raised voices or shouted. We've only ever had one (v minor) argument, in 20 years

Please understand, I'm not smug, but it might help you to know that No, everyone doesn't do that

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 26/08/2022 22:55

I would hate him both for the screaming and for the way he sucked up to the children. That must really mess with their heads.

Original poster
Havingacrisiz · 26/08/2022 23:03

cherish123 · 26/08/2022 22:38

Confused - is it husband?

Yes husband

OP posts:
billy1966 · 26/08/2022 23:04

Definitely not normal or acceptable.
I have be married many years.

What I can tell you for absolute sure is that your children will NEVER forget that.

I mean never.

He is an abuser.

Your children have been emotionally abused by having to listen to him abuse you like that.

That type of behaviour changes children and gives them anxiety.

Go with your gut here.
Its over.
Better that he co parents with you.
Do not move past this.
Your children deserve better than this.
He behaved like this with his bullying threats because he is a nasty bully.

Can you imagine what hearing this has done to your childrens sense of safety and security in their home, in their life?

The father screaming obscenities at their mum, name calling, telling them their home will be sold.

He is a thundering disgrace.

Get yourself organised and get rid of him.
At least your children can hopefully feel some bit of security in your home as he can never again scream at you that their house will be sold.

Frazzled2207 · 26/08/2022 23:06

Yes. This is the end. sorry OP. Have you got a plan?

user1583920194858592910103848559201 · 26/08/2022 23:11

get him to fuck op.

Original poster
Havingacrisiz · 26/08/2022 23:11

thanks all. It’s quite tough to hear that my gut is right. He’s being so nice now.

OP posts:
GlueyMooey · 26/08/2022 23:22

Sounds like you need to separate but I think the most important thing to do now is some damage limitation for the kids. Can you and your husband discuss the best way to deal with what your kids have had to witness. Can you all sit down and discuss it with them ad explain how unacceptable it is and for your husband to apologize to them.

Hope things work out for you all.

VeridicalVagabond · 26/08/2022 23:26

He's being nice now because he's a manipulative arse who thinks he can schmooze you into not leaving him. He legitimately thinks he holds all the cards. Time to pull the rug out from under his stupid smug feet, don't you think?

You are stronger than you know. Do the right thing for you, and for your children, and get away from this horrible man.

shandon14 · 26/08/2022 23:39

If he has done this once he will do it again. You've seen an escalation - last time it was not in front of kids. How will he ramp it up next time? Don't wait around to find out. A PP was right your kids will never forget this and I bet they are really uncertain about their parents relationship now.

MsMcGonagall · 26/08/2022 23:46

Well I would never go on holiday with him again - would you? And if that's the case then the relationship is basically over.

Opentooffers · 26/08/2022 23:47

What situation was the first time he did this, and how long ago? If he can behave like the perfect Dad the next day, he's chosen that behaviour, just for you, makes me wonder if there could be someone he's missing back home so he begrudged being specifically with you on hol away from them, or the hol has shone a light on you not getting on, so he knows there'll be no intimacy ocurring between you.
As much of a reason to end this is the not getting on for years - that's a long time, probably without intimacy ( who wants to indulge in that with someone they are not getting on with) . Have you addressed the not getting on in a general sense, rather that specific bickering at the time about things?
If he's doing an about turn, you could chose to try marriage counselling. If he's unwilling to do that, then he's not going to address the issues, which leaves you with only one choice for a happier life really.

MrsKeats · 27/08/2022 00:01

Poor kids.
Game over. Get your plans together asap.

lking679 · 27/08/2022 00:18

Can’t you try and work on the relationship with him? Why is everyone on mumsnet so quick to divorce?

Calmly put a line in the sand and say you want counselling to improve the relationship and he must never ever talk to you like that again.

Holidays are stressful and although it’s totally unreasonable to speak to you like that would you throw away a (I assume) 12+ year marriage without trying to salvage it first?

wellhelloitsme · 27/08/2022 00:25

@lking679

Why is everyone on mumsnet so quick to divorce?

Because some of us think that the below (someone drinking to the point of then abusing you, while the children are in the other room listening) is utterly unacceptable and doesn't happen in a relationship that remotely salvageable...

Hubby had a bottle of wine then proceeds to start screaming and shouting at me, effing and blinding calling me a fucking bitch etc and that it was over. As soon as we get home we’re going to sell the house as he’d had enough of me. The kids were in the other room and heard it all. The following day he was still blaming me telling me it was all my fault because of my moods. I spent the rest of the holiday crying in the hotel room while he was the perfect fun Dad.

You also recommend this:

Calmly put a line in the sand and say you want counselling to improve the relationship and he must never ever talk to you like that again.

Decent men don't need to be told 'calmly' not to abuse you. They also don't take weeks to apologise for doing so.

The bar should be higher than you think it is.

Imnotdoingthat · 27/08/2022 00:41

My husband is like this. Its hard. My kids love him but I thoroughly dislike him. After 13 years I'm ready to divorce him. However, I feel trapped and unable to take the step. I don't feel strong enough for the battle for custody yet. My MH is at an all-time low. I have self referred for counselling so I can build sine strength to take the leap. At the moment I'm desperately trying not to provoke him.