Partner split up with me on holiday AIBU

[Havingacrisiz]

On holiday with partner and two kids DD10 and DS 12. We had been grumpy with each other all day. Hubby had a bottle of wine then proceeds to start screaming and shouting at me, effing and blinding calling me a f bi etc and that it was over. As soon as we get home we’re going to sell the house as he’d had enough of me. The kids were in the other room and heard it all. The following day he was still blaming me telling me it was all my fault because of my moods. I spent the rest of the holiday crying in the hotel room while he was the perfect fun Dad.
For me this was the final straw. It’s the second time he has called me vicious names, told me I was vile and so on but first time in front of the children. And if I’m honest we’ve been not getting on well for years. He has now said he didn’t mean it when he said he wanted to split up and that I am being unreasonable as all couples shout and swear at each other. I don’t think I can get over this. He’s the only person who has ever shouted at me and called me such awful things. He is such a good dad in so many ways to our children and has been on his best behaviour since returning from holiday.Am I being unreasonable in thinking this is the end of the relationship? Is swearing at your partner and telling them how horrible they are really normal and I should just get over it?

OP has been home for over a month with dh and divorce is like a bomb going off in family life. I’d say if OP feels like there is a relationship that can be improved back to a point where it’s loving and respectable it’s worth trying. If it isn’t it isn’t.

Who lives with a partner for a month if the relationship isn’t somewhat functioning? She says he has been great since.

I’ve seen couples argue seriously and grow from it as a wake up call. Surely OP might find room for hope and improvement than cutting straight to divorce?

I do tend to think the women who use Mumsnet to talk about issuès in their relationships are generally very keen to recommend divorce/separation. Maybe that
needs to be tempered with a dose of realism?

The original poster has alluded to strain within the relationship and yes it would have been preferable if the children had not had to listen to this exchange. That said, on the basis of this one incident, this is not sufficient to identify the husband as an abuser! He was certainly a very foolish man to drink a bottle of wine then become verbally aggressive.

The wife will no doubt have a view on whether the husband has either an anger issue or a drink issue.

The happiness of the family unit moving forward is at stake here. So both parents need to carefully consider the situation moving forward. It's a good thing that we are more aware of what constitutes abuse these days. However this incident while regrettable does not say with cast iron certainty the husband is an abuser. Even if this were accepted, it might be possible to turn his attitude and behaviour around.

Yes, this is horrible, as if he’s trying to get the children on side against you.
Vile behaviour. Start preparing to leave, see a solicitor, make sure you have money in your own account. If you have joint savings, move your half out.
If he’s done this twice he’ll do it again and it’s an awful way for you and dc to live.

The game changer for the OP is that he is now verbally abusing her infront of the children and continued the next day.

Her children listening to this is hugely damaging and emotionally abusive.

He has only stepped back as he has realised that he has gone too far.

Good men do not rant and terrorise their wife and children on holiday.

Nasty fxxkers do.

The marriage is not a good one and the OP has every right to decide that after his last escalation in his behaviour, co parenting will be a better option long term for her and her children.

"Regrettable" is not a word that I would use to describe the behaviour the OP writes about.

He chose to neck a bottle of wine down and rant and rave vile accusations at his wife, ending their relationship and telling her their home would be sold when the holiday was over...........and continued on in the same vein the next day, ruining the holiday as the children witnessed it all, and their mothers visible upset for the remainder of the holiday?

Maybe in your world this is regrettable, in mine it is completely unforgivable and a deal breaker.

He's not a good dad if he shows no respect towards the mother of his children.

Be a good mum and show your children that his behaviour is unacceptable.

He is not a good father

While in theory I understand the point that divorce may not be the right answer to one single, isolated incident, in practice it's very very rarely a single incident that makes people speak out and draw that line.

Women tend not to speak even on an anonymous board about the early incidents, and yes, I'm sure there are always early signs when tend to get ignored. By the time someone is posting, there will always be more than one incident and so it's more the straw that broke the camels back scenario.

In this instance, OP mentioned an earlier incident which had not been in front of the children followed by this incident in front of children. This is not calm discussion or counselling territory.

If he can choose to behave well, he was also making a choice when he choose to behave so badly. Lots of women put up with a lot and only spring into action when the children are more directly involved.

Most parts of society encourage women to forgive and 'make the marriage work'. Thank goodness for the still, small voice of Mumsnet providing support for women who say 'no more'

Supporting the realisation that this is abuse, and that it is a choice, is an important service to counterbalance the 'try harder to make the marriage work'

He's shown you who he is, believe it.

How can you say he's a great dad? Anyone who makes their child live in that atmosphere is a terrible parent.

This is not an anger management issue because the next day he apologised to his kids and played Disney Dad from the sounds of things. Simultaneously he continued the previous night's behaviour with OP.

It couldn't be clearer that he is in total control.

And it's zero surprise that he's being nice. Of course he is. That will continue until he feels it's been enough.

I personally don't think shouting is per se abusive. But it can be and in this situation where he said he was going to sell the family home WHILE KIDS WERE IN EARSHOT, never mind the vile name calling of their mother, it without a doubt was.

He's escalating. Next time - and there will be one because it's taken a month to "apologise" to OP - it might be at the kids, but most likely will be another sustained attack against OP.

If he's actually sorry, he will be mortified and finding a therapist to help him work through his issues. He won't blame it on the alcohol. He won't tell OP she had annoyed him. He won't say that it wasn't the holiday he was hoping for etc. He'll be proactive and independently get himself help.

But I'll wager he's not doing that.