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Original poster

No sex after birth - is this normal and will our marriage survive?

36 replies

Tiredmama789 · 26/08/2022 20:34

My husband didn’t want sex while I was pregnant as he didn’t like the fact that there was a baby in there. I had a traumatic birth and since our baby was born (she’s 3 months) we’ve attempted to have sex once but she woke up so we had to stop.

a mixture of exhaustion with taking care of our baby, my husband not helping with any housework at all etc and me constantly bleeding still since birth means we aren’t having sex and my libido is just shot.

he never initiates or even seems bothered as he is tired also, but it’s also making me feel really undesirable and unattractive and is making me not want to initiate. Before pregnancy I had a very high sex drive so always initiated, but now with me not initiating we aren’t. At the same time I don’t want to.

I guess what I’m asking is - is this normal?

OP posts:
Doodlebud · 26/08/2022 21:12

Yeah, I'd say so.

Give yourself some more time and see how you get on. Three months after having a baby is hardly anytime at all- it's a massive, life-altering adjustment.

Don't be hard on yourself.

Biggestjulie · 26/08/2022 21:13

It’s not at all unusual and 3 months is still very early days. Hang on in there until you feel ready - or, better yet (if you can), talk about it with your partner. Maybe just “playing around” with each other for a few weeks will gradually get you both back in the mood.

But if you don’t feel up to that, or even to talking about it, just give it a little more time. Sometimes bleeding can go on for quite a while. Are you breastfeeding? If not, or if you are not EBF, sometimes the postnatal bleeding eventually turns into the first period, and then it stops.

Do talk to your HV, midwife or GP if the bleeding continues much longer.

Insertdeadcatsnamehere · 26/08/2022 21:14

Totally normal! You had a traumatic birth 12 weeks ago and you're both tired. If you don't even want to then why worry? It'll come back but that's no time at all, your hormones will still be all over the place.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/08/2022 21:14

Him not doing at least half the housework, more as you’re still bleeding and exhausted, will likely kill your marriage.

wonderstuff · 26/08/2022 21:14

Completely normal.

snowflake29 · 26/08/2022 21:15

Yeah fairly normal especially if you're bleeding or had a traumatic birth. Your DH also needs to massively buck up his act a bit and do his fair share (at the very least) of the housework and baby stuff so you get a little bit of time to yourself! I'm not surprised your libido is through the floor. It'll come back eventually, just give it more time

theonlygirl · 26/08/2022 21:16

Well most people get back to it at some point but it can depend on a lot of things and a few things jump out at me from your post. Before the baby, you were the one initiating sex. Now you're not, it's not happening. And you're not doing that for 2 very valid reasons. A traumatic birth resulting in ongoing issues and a DH who is not pulling his weight. Prioritise your health first and get help for the ongoing bleeding, take medical advice as to whether this is usual. Then tell DH that he needs to do more - just cos he should, not because it will result in sex. Then see if things get back to your normal. Only you can then decide if that's how you want things to be. But give yourself time to heal from the birth.

Insertdeadcatsnamehere · 26/08/2022 21:17

Oh, I missed the housework thing. THAT'S what you should be worrying about.

AnyFucker · 26/08/2022 21:19

It’s not the temporary lack of sex that is wrecking your marriage

MissBPotter · 26/08/2022 21:23

It’s not normal that he’s not doing any housework. He’s an adult that lives in a home with his baby and therefore he needs to do housework. Even more
so if you had a traumatic birth.

Its fine not to have sex yet. Don’t rush and don’t feel
pressured. Have you been advised that bleeding for this long is ok? Sounds like a long time.

I do personally think it’s a bit strange that he refused to have sex at all while you were pregnant because now it’s been about a year of no sex - is that right? And that’s not ideal really. Although in your shoes I would be considering my marriage if my dh expected to be waited on hand and foot, rather than be in a partnership.

Original poster
Tiredmama789 · 26/08/2022 23:57

MissBPotter · 26/08/2022 21:23

It’s not normal that he’s not doing any housework. He’s an adult that lives in a home with his baby and therefore he needs to do housework. Even more
so if you had a traumatic birth.

Its fine not to have sex yet. Don’t rush and don’t feel
pressured. Have you been advised that bleeding for this long is ok? Sounds like a long time.

I do personally think it’s a bit strange that he refused to have sex at all while you were pregnant because now it’s been about a year of no sex - is that right? And that’s not ideal really. Although in your shoes I would be considering my marriage if my dh expected to be waited on hand and foot, rather than be in a partnership.

Thanks everyone for your replies.

Yeah he didn’t want to have sex with me during pregnancy because he just couldn't knowing there was a baby there.

He doesn’t do house work, he won’t cook any meals or even make me a drink. Refuses to do washing up and doesn’t clean. I stupidly thought it would change when baby was here but it hasn’t and because he helps me sometimes with the baby he thinks he is doing enough. We have argued about this to the point there’s nothing else for me to say as he won’t change.

he has a massively stressful and physical job so that’s his excuse but I don’t believe anyone in the most stressful of jobs can’t even be bothered to make their wife a cup of tea.

im feeling exhausted and the recovery is taking longer than I thought and now a baby is just opening my eyes a bit but I really want things to work.

I’m going to call GP if my bleeding doesn’t stop soon

OP posts:
Namechanger355 · 27/08/2022 00:12

the no sex thing is totally normal - your lives have changed at least temporarily - and you have gone through the trauma or pregnancy and birth so just hang in there

but him not helping with other stuff is totally not normal and is out of order

miltonj · 27/08/2022 00:44

Him not doing house work is so unbelievably unacceptable. Of course you don't want to have sex with him.

Have you spoken to anyone about the bleeding? Definitely do.

After both my births (one very recently) despite being extremely tired me and husband have been very eager to get back to it, and been frustrated that we have to wait till my bodies healed to do certain things. It's fine to not be ready and not feel up to it for much longer than that, but in your case it sounds like a problem, your husband is letting your team down massively and if he doesn't step up then yes, that's the marriage over I think.

Imnotdoingthat · 27/08/2022 00:50

Make sure you go on birth control. If you do end up having sex you need to be careful otherwise you'll end up with another baby and a man that still does fuck all. 2 under 3 is hard work. Trust me.

viques · 27/08/2022 01:16

a massively stressful and physical job.

oh, like keeping a three month old human alive?

LilacPoppy · 27/08/2022 01:17

No it's not normal at all.

MissBPotter · 27/08/2022 06:10

He doesn’t even make you a drink?! That’s really sad actually. I don’t know if you wanted to breastfeed (fine if you didn’t of course!) but if you did it must’ve been so tough without any support, my dh knew I needed water all the time and cups of tea, snacks etc. Either way any woman who’s given birth recently
deserves a cuppa and a break for a few mins!
I must say my Dh was a bit more useless the first time around as it’s a big adjustment, though it sounds like your dh is doing nothing for you at all.

in your shoes I would just focus on rest. Don’t do any housework, make meals very basic and easy and rest whenever you can.

definitely see your GP. Do you have anyone else who can give you a bit of a break? Also wondering what’s going to happen when you go back to work, is it all going to be on you?

Frances658 · 27/08/2022 06:24

Yeah, the sex part is completely normal. What is not normal however is your husband doing zero housework. That is grounds for divorce imo. It would be unacceptable in any circumstance, but the fact that he does nothing to help when you've got a small baby, you're still recovering from birth, and you're exhausted, makes him an absolute arsehole who does not actually care about you. That lack of care will kill a marriage, the sex would likely get better as your child grows older, but he won't.

Goldfishmountainclimber · 27/08/2022 06:36

Yes, normal.
Get him onto the housework. It’s going to be a hard road for you raising a child if he does no housework. Set down your expectations now.

wingingit33 · 27/08/2022 06:47

12 weeks and still bleeding? You need to be scanned for retained placenta.

Dery · 27/08/2022 06:51

Another one here who is very shocked that you’re husband does nothing round the house. The only way I can understand it is if you gave up work when you married and became a housewife so it was effectively your job to look after the home. If that was not the case then there’s no excuse for it. When he’s home he should be sharing the load (not “helping” - these are his jobs to do as much as yours) - even more so now you’ve got a newborn. It wouldn’t surprise me if this is why you’re still bleeding (which should have stopped after 6 weeks or so). You really, really do not want your DC growing up thinking that men don’t pull their weight round the house.

It may be too much now but at some point soon you’re going to need to have some serious discussions about his dinosaur attitudes.

Dery · 27/08/2022 06:58

I agree with PP who think your marriage is over if your H doesn’t learn to step up.

category12 · 27/08/2022 06:58

Probably just as well you're not having sex, you need to have a think about your future with this man and not risk another pregnancy in the meantime.

It's not just lack of housework, it's the utter lack of care for you as a partner, not wanting to take any of the burden off you and not even being arsed to get you a cup of tea or make a meal while you're struggling.

What's he like when you're ill?

I don't rate him as a partner.

Malie · 27/08/2022 06:59

Marriage is far more than sex no matter what modern society says. Give yourself some time to recover from the birth. Interesting in some societies there are rules to do this anyway which appear quite legalistic but it is to give the woman a chance to recover from the birth when there was limited medical aid. So just give yourselves a chance and be companionable with lots of hugs and conversation. The sex will come

Dery · 27/08/2022 07:37

Actually @category12 has put it much better than me and covered all the key points. This isn’t a man to have further children with.

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