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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need to find my anger. Or the ick. Help

32 replies

falleninlove · 26/08/2022 14:41

I need help to see the light about a toxic "friendship". His word not mine. He refuses any reference to relationship - says he's "too old for that kind of rubbish". I'm 60. He is a few years older. We are both divorced and independently financially comfortable. We have - to the best of my knowledge, and TBH I have no reason to doubt this - been exclusive for over 5 years.

On the plus side since the day we met he has always been very blunt about never having a live-in relationship with someone again. And I am of the same mindset. We get on fantastically well when we are together. When we are apart we both do our own thing. This suits me - I don't crave 24/7/365 with anyone and thought I was really lucky finding someone who I found both physically and mentally attractive that was happy with this sort of arrangement. We also holiday together - this was at my expense (see below) when I was working, but now I am retired I am insisting that he pays his share.

BUT

  1. He is a cocklodger 3 nights a week. He stays in his own place about 15 minutes drive away for the rest of the time. When he visits I pay every single grocery bill. I can afford it. But he has never ever offered to pay half and this has gone on so long I feel bad about bringing it up now.
  2. He HATES spending money. The best I get when he visits - if anything - is a couple of beers at the local pub. No dinners or cinema or anything that might cost money. Of course he's happy to sit in my house and drink wine or beer to excess that I have paid for.
  3. When we go away on trips, where we stay, what we do, and what we eat is dictated by the cost now that I am making him pay half the bill, despite both of us being able to afford nice things.
  4. His table manners are appalling.
  5. His personal hygiene is dubious unless prompted.
  6. He has ED. In fairness he has always been open about this and blue pills - instigated by him - do the trick.
  7. He dislikes ANY sort of physical affection unless sex is involved. I am lonely even when I am with him. Just a spontaneous hug would be wonderful but this just doesn't cross his mind. I have to ask.
  8. I can honestly say in the whole time together we have only had 3 disagreements. But on each occasion I have been on the receiving end of silent treatment that lasts for hours. Then he clicks back to normal and behaves as though nothing ever happened. I've explained this is unacceptable. His view is it is just the way he is.
I could go on.......

I know writing this out should make me see the light and walk away from him but I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. The list above alone should swing it for me - it will have for anybody out there reading it.

The thought of walking away from him makes me so desperately sad I just keep plodding on. I think if I could understand WHY I just can't bring myself to draw a line it would help, but I have rehearsed this over and over and over again for the last 5 years and can't get to grips with it.

Any hints/tips on how to find my anger? Or the ick? I need to find either so that I can get a grip on my life before I'm too old

OP posts:
mummymeister · 26/08/2022 14:45

You dont need to be angry or have the ick to finish with someone. I suspect you are staying with him out of habit and because its become comfortable. the things that you now find irritating probably werent when you first started out together. you could if you wanted to work on them one at a time and see if this makes a difference. but in reality you need to have the talk. tell him its over and move on with your life. Its apathy making you stay at the moment, not love.

JennyForeigner · 26/08/2022 14:48

Forget anger or ick, the most powerful force in the world is self-respect. Find yours.

MMmomDD · 26/08/2022 14:53

In your place I’d ask myself - would I be ok to stay with him if he fixed points 1,2,…
You dont want to live together anyway. You want some companionship. He gives you some, but not enough.
I’d also consider - will I be happier on my own without what there is currently (with some necessary improvements, obviously) - as at your age dating/meeting anyone much better won’t be easy.

Personally - point 1 and personal hygiene at least are completely unacceptable and talking about it must happen. Other things like him not being affectionate - at 60+ he is what he is. And if you want a hug from a non-huggy person - best way is to initiate one.

You’ll get s lot of comments from younger posters about deserving better, etc. And it’s all fine when you have a long life ahead with lots of younger men available for dating. Getting older I find life is more about finding things that work on balance, with compromises on both sides.

Longsight2019 · 26/08/2022 14:57

Next time you’re out, tell him he’s paying as you’ve done more than your fair share. If he does anything other than acknowledge that you’re correct and insists you order what ever you fancy, you’ll know that he really is a miser.

there’s little worse than a mean person with enough funds for it not to matter.

Bonheurdupasse · 26/08/2022 15:08

OP

I'm in a similar if different situation, similar in that I just can't make myself break up despite continuing being so painful.
What I saw sadly that when we were temporarily on a break I was in so much pain, I could not function thinking that I would be without him.

So maybe test this - if you can stand it (unlike me) for a test period, it should be easier to break up for good.

Noonoo88 · 26/08/2022 15:26

JennyForeigner · 26/08/2022 14:48

Forget anger or ick, the most powerful force in the world is self-respect. Find yours.

Omg yes!!! Are you staying because you don't want to be completely alone maybe OP? Bad company is better than no company and all that... I had two back to back relationships where I (and my children) was treated like complete dirt, this made me incredibly assertive and intolerant of others' bullshit behaviour. I wish I could impart some of that on you and make you realise what you're worth! I wish all women realised this but so many have been broken down by others that they believe they're not worthy of finding someone who actually respects them 😔

JustForThisThread8 · 26/08/2022 17:25

Well I've got the ick just reading that post! I would give it to you if I could....

Have you ever said those things out loud to another person? A trusted friend?

Because if you could see my face when I was reading about your partner... well it definitely would validate your feelings about the relationship

A friend is what you need, failing that a person centred counsellor? It might help you work out why you can't find that anger.

Because it should be there!

Bananalanacake · 26/08/2022 18:09

Well done on not living together, life is much easier when you have your own space. I would tell him you want him to stay over once a week but only on the understanding he buys the food and brings his own booze as you are cutting down on it. See his reaction.

Opentooffers · 26/08/2022 18:24

Perhaps you could aim for a slow detachment. Hopefully you have other friends too, so you could try on one of the nights to say this week you can't do one of his nights with you because doing something with whoever. When he does come over, don't stock up on alcohol, so if he wants a drink there is none in - either he brings it round or gets some himself.
Think of the things you'd like to do with him, but missing out on, and do them with someone else, that might help with developing the gumption to do something about it.

girlmom21 · 26/08/2022 18:28

Bad table manners and bad personal hygiene are absolute dealbreakers for me!

ValerieDoonican · 26/08/2022 18:28

Well he's having it all his own way
isn't he! I like pps advice to ser some better boundaries re free booze, your choice of activities, etc, so he steps up or ships out.

Wonder if the hygiene thing is also stinginess ie he can use your hot water 😅. Maybe you should ask him?

Help87 · 26/08/2022 18:30

How have you had so few disagreements? You must be incredibly patient

RandomMess · 26/08/2022 18:41

I think you have had so few arguments because you don't call him out on his unacceptable behaviour.

I would be telling him no more coming to yours unless he turns up with dinner & drinks or takes you out.

Not sure how the bad table manners and personal hygiene haven't given you the ick tbh.

FarFarFarAndAway · 26/08/2022 18:43

This is actually a mystery. Why on earth would you want these scraps from the table- he doesn't want to be in a relationship, he has poor personal hygiene, I would feel sick when he was eating, I just don't get it?! Relationships are supposed to enhance your life! I don't know what else to say.

OriginalUsername2 · 26/08/2022 18:47

He’s giving me the ick from here! A man with bad hygiene, disgusting eating, guzzling down your alcohol and then wanting sex, no affection? Yuk.

billy1966 · 26/08/2022 23:13

He sounds utterly revolting AND he's mean.

Definitely ick but you deserve better so think about self respect too.

Geppili · 26/08/2022 23:26

He sounds awful and likely alcohol dependant.

shandon14 · 26/08/2022 23:29

You do deserve better and the chances are you could find it, so don't be afraid to move on.

If you don't just stick your foot down on a few things. At the supermarket I'd just say I think it's your turn.

And as for the silent treatment, you don't live together, tell him to leave.

sleepymum50 · 26/08/2022 23:33

You say he’s blunt. Then I think that gives you permission to be blunt to him. Tell him to pay his way and sort out the hygiene.

some blunt people expect others to be this way, so if you’ve said nothing so far he’ll be thinking it doesn’t bother you, not that you were being polite.

What have you got to lose? If he takes it on board and changes, you win, and if he throws a wobble and storms off, he’s done the job for you.

StClare101 · 26/08/2022 23:48

JennyForeigner · 26/08/2022 14:48

Forget anger or ick, the most powerful force in the world is self-respect. Find yours.

This. Raise your standards about who you accept in your life.

JamieNorthlife · 26/08/2022 23:54

This guy is disgusting. What would you tell your best friend if she told you this about her partner?

His table manners are appalling.
His personal hygiene is dubious unless prompted.
He has ED. In fairness he has always been open about this and blue pills - instigated by him - do the trick.
He dislikes ANY sort of physical affection unless sex is involved. I am lonely even when I am with him. Just a spontaneous hug would be wonderful but this just doesn't cross his mind. I have to ask.
I can honestly say in the whole time together we have only had 3 disagreements. But on each occasion I have been on the receiving end of silent treatment that lasts for hours. Then he clicks back to normal and behaves as though nothing ever happened. I've explained this is unacceptable. His view is it is just the way he is.

nzeire · 27/08/2022 00:05

I think meanness is the most unattractive quality in a person, it generally translates to meanness of spirit also :(

thatbcombined with being a filthy fucker is enough

eugh

Summerfun54321 · 27/08/2022 00:18

I can’t see what this man provides that a pet and a vibrator wouldn’t.

TwoMonthsOff · 27/08/2022 00:28

Get a dog or cat OP
and dump the smelly old tight arse

crumpet · 27/08/2022 00:30

Are you quite sure that he can afford more but is choosing not to pay? Doesn’t affect the other things but if he can’t afford things and is embarrassed to say so I might cut a bit of slack on that element alone and only if he was prepared to be more open in the future. But as I said, that stands separately to the other issues.