I need to find my anger. Or the ick. Help

[falleninlove]

I need help to see the light about a toxic "friendship". His word not mine. He refuses any reference to relationship - says he's "too old for that kind of rubbish". I'm 60. He is a few years older. We are both divorced and independently financially comfortable. We have - to the best of my knowledge, and TBH I have no reason to doubt this - been exclusive for over 5 years.

On the plus side since the day we met he has always been very blunt about never having a live-in relationship with someone again. And I am of the same mindset. We get on fantastically well when we are together. When we are apart we both do our own thing. This suits me - I don't crave 24/7/365 with anyone and thought I was really lucky finding someone who I found both physically and mentally attractive that was happy with this sort of arrangement. We also holiday together - this was at my expense (see below) when I was working, but now I am retired I am insisting that he pays his share.

BUT

1. He is a cocklodger 3 nights a week. He stays in his own place about 15 minutes drive away for the rest of the time. When he visits I pay every single grocery bill. I can afford it. But he has never ever offered to pay half and this has gone on so long I feel bad about bringing it up now.
2. He HATES spending money. The best I get when he visits - if anything - is a couple of beers at the local pub. No dinners or cinema or anything that might cost money. Of course he's happy to sit in my house and drink wine or beer to excess that I have paid for.
3. When we go away on trips, where we stay, what we do, and what we eat is dictated by the cost now that I am making him pay half the bill, despite both of us being able to afford nice things.
4. His table manners are appalling.
5. His personal hygiene is dubious unless prompted.
6. He has ED. In fairness he has always been open about this and blue pills - instigated by him - do the trick.
7. He dislikes ANY sort of physical affection unless sex is involved. I am lonely even when I am with him. Just a spontaneous hug would be wonderful but this just doesn't cross his mind. I have to ask.
8. I can honestly say in the whole time together we have only had 3 disagreements. But on each occasion I have been on the receiving end of silent treatment that lasts for hours. Then he clicks back to normal and behaves as though nothing ever happened. I've explained this is unacceptable. His view is it is just the way he is.

I could go on.......

I know writing this out should make me see the light and walk away from him but I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. The list above alone should swing it for me - it will have for anybody out there reading it.

The thought of walking away from him makes me so desperately sad I just keep plodding on. I think if I could understand WHY I just can't bring myself to draw a line it would help, but I have rehearsed this over and over and over again for the last 5 years and can't get to grips with it.

Any hints/tips on how to find my anger? Or the ick? I need to find either so that I can get a grip on my life before I'm too old

MASSIVE piss taker, he thinks he’s all that and you’re privileged to have his company…..uuuugh
You are Worth so much more OP , you know this 💐

You are with a dirty smelly tight selfish man who doesn't love you or even touch you unless it leads to his own orgasm. He takes whatever he can and gives as little as he can get away with.

I think we are all feeling anger on your behalf. As for the ick... see above and raise your standards.

@falleninlove he’s awful, it’s great you get on much of the time but I bet you don’t actually find it all that hard to get on with people do you? To borrow a phrase, you’re too old for this rubbish. You owe it to yourself to treat yourself with the same respect you would like him to treat you with. He’s mean spirited, it won’t change. No need to be angry, just lose the dead weight.

I think you stay with him because you feel responsible for him. Remember that he is using you and contributing nothing to the relationship since you are doing the work of two.
He is behaving like a child and you are the adult. It is your own fault OP

Well he's using you OP and telling you in words and deeds that you aren't much of a priority for him. He has actually spelled out plainly that you are just friends not partners. You have to weigh up whether you would be prepared to overlook his many many faults rather than being single. He doesn't sound as though he is going to change,, but you could give him an ultimatum although you would have to back that up with the consequence of you not being prepared to stay and put up with him. Personally, I would rather be single for the rest of my days than put up with this shoddy behaviour.

You are codependent, that is the issue.
High maintenance men attract women who put their own needs aside.
Focusing on him means you don't have to cope with your own feelings. Rescuing others is a coping mechanism. Every time you think of leaving him, your mind does a trick of blotting out his shitty behavior and instead it keeps you focused on the childlike part of him to mother. A bit like allowing a toddler to kick you on the shins ' oh he doesn't understand he's hurting me, I'm emotionally stronger than him'.
It's a learned pattern of responding and you can unlearn it.
There is a book called Codependency No More by Melody Beattie. Libraries probably have it.

When deciding whether to end a relationship I don't think you need to talk yourself into the decision one way or another. Especially when there are no real ties or practical matters to consider. All that's really necessary in your case is a straightforward cost benefit analysis.
Would your life be better or worse without him in it?
Is funding him worth it for his company?
Are holidays restricted by his meaness better than the other holiday options you may have, alone, with friends?
Is sex with 'issues' preferable to no sex, or trying to find another sexual partner?
How easy would you find it to meet someone else if you wanted to, or to live without a relationship?
Are his strengths worth his faults?
To many of us, he sounds awful. But you are a mature woman with options, so you are presumably seeing something more than your post suggests. Only you can decide if that something is worth all the compromises you're making.