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Original poster

How to become more interested in DH

28 replies

feelinglosttt · 26/08/2022 10:15

Long relationship, married with a young child but still fairly young (early to mid 30s) and feeling a bit more like companions/housemates. He has all the right feelings, it's on my side where it's not right. I find myself not wanting to be around him as much. Free time I'd rather spend it alone. Sometimes when he's talking about something I find myself zoning out. I have no interest in sex, feels a bit like something I'm doing more for his benefit. I do have sexual feelings I think but it just never feels right with him. Tried spending time together, making effort with sex etc but sometimes it just feels like I'm doing things that I don't really want to do because I feel like I "should".

What else can I do to try to get some kind of spark? I wouldn't say we've ever been a really passionate couple, at least on my side. So it's not like things were like that and then because of life and children etc it's gone stale. It probably is that too but I worry that the imbalance in that side of things is just more highlighted now there are more pressures on us/me. If I was much older I'd accept this more easily I think but I feel like I/ we're too young to feel like this.

OP posts:
BabCNesbitt · 26/08/2022 20:59

No useful response, I’m afraid, but bumping because I’d be interested in any responses, too.

KazMa · 26/08/2022 21:04

Do you think that when you first met you were lonely or something? Hence the relationship carried on as you liked his company etc, but now you realise you don’t actually love him?

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/08/2022 21:09

I wouldn't say we've ever been a really passionate couple, at least on my side. So it's not like things were like that and then because of life and children etc it's gone stale

Getting a spark back is different to trying to create a new one because it’s never been there. It sounds like you’ve come to realise what was always missing? Which is sad for both of you but pretty heartbreaking for him, it sounds like you settled for him while he loves you and is attracted to you and wants to spend time with you.

You can try to list his good qualities, how he makes you happy, try and learn new things about him, really properly try and fall in love with him, connect with him. But if you never really felt like that I don’t see how you will.

SpudsIluv · 26/08/2022 21:10

Sounds like you 'settled', not sure there was any news interest in the first place! Move on.

theonlygirl · 26/08/2022 21:21

Is he interesting? It's hard to be interested in someone that frankly just isn't, no matter how hard and what you try. Maybe take up a joint hobby ? Or find interests that don't rely / involve DH. You can't flog a dead horse.

Original poster
feelinglosttt · 26/08/2022 21:39

We got together very young, I was very nervous about dating and had seen my mum be in some awful relationships so perhaps in a way I did settle as he was a good guy. I did have a few moments over the years where i wondered if something was missing but I always quickly dismissed the thoughts. We always laughed together and just seemed to "get" one another. I felt like that was our thing. To the person who asked is he interesting. I think that's subjective really isn't it? He likes learning about things and sometimes tells me facts he's learnt etc which some people might find interesting but I have to say sometimes I find myself not really listening. I know this is not good for him and v heartbreaking etc. I feel silly that I didn't properly delve into my feelings for him years ago but then again saying that I wouldn't change anything because we wouldn't have our child.

OP posts:
Summerbreezee · 26/08/2022 21:46

I had the same with my exhb. It got to a point i realised if i didn't end it, I'd have still been in that situation when i was 50. Was very hard to do, but divorcing was the best decision, for both of us.

Original poster
feelinglosttt · 27/08/2022 06:36

Summerbreezee · 26/08/2022 21:46

I had the same with my exhb. It got to a point i realised if i didn't end it, I'd have still been in that situation when i was 50. Was very hard to do, but divorcing was the best decision, for both of us.

Do you have children together? Did you feel sure about your decision when you made it or did you have doubts at the time?

OP posts:
Original poster
feelinglosttt · 05/09/2022 09:52

Bumping this in case anyone has any other thoughts/similar stories.

OP posts:
Darbs76 · 05/09/2022 09:54

Do you fancy him? Have you ever fancied him? I guess there lies your answer

WoolyMammoth55 · 05/09/2022 09:58

Hi OP, this is from FaceBook so in fairness I've no idea if it was said by Joni Mitchell or not... But I think it's good and useful either way. See what you think.

Joni Mitchell on monogamy.
“I don’t know if I’ve learned anything yet! I did learn how to have a happy home, but I consider myself fortunate in that regard because I could’ve rolled right by it. Everybody has a superficial side and a deep side, but this culture doesn’t place much value on depth — we don’t have shamans or soothsayers, and depth isn’t encouraged or understood. Surrounded by this shallow, glossy society we develop a shallow side, too, and we become attracted to fluff. That’s reflected in the fact that this culture sets up an addiction to romance based on insecurity — the uncertainty of whether or not you’re truly united with the object of your obsession is the rush people get hooked on. I’ve seen this pattern so much in myself and my friends and some people never get off that line.

“But along with developing my superficial side, I always nurtured a deeper longing, so even when I was falling into the trap of that other kind of love, I was hip to what I was doing. I recently read an article in Esquire magazine called ‘The End of Sex,’ that said something that struck me as very true. It said: “If you want endless repetition, see a lot of different people. If you want infinite variety, stay with one.” What happens when you date is you run all your best moves and tell all your best stories — and in a way, that routine is a method for falling in love with yourself over and over.

“You can’t do that with a longtime mate because he knows all that old material. With a long relationship, things die then are rekindled, and that shared process of rebirth deepens the love. It’s hard work, though, and a lot of people run at the first sign of trouble. You’re with this person, and suddenly you look like an asshole to them or they look like an asshole to you — it’s unpleasant, but if you can get through it you get closer and you learn a way of loving that’s different from the neurotic love enshrined in movies. It’s warmer and has more padding to it.”
~ Joni Mitchell

adhdforme · 05/09/2022 09:59

No words of advice OP, but just wanted to say I sympathise as I feel exactly the same way.

Suzi888 · 05/09/2022 10:04

You settled by the sounds of it and now you regret it. It honestly sounds like you should be honest and tell him, then let him find someone who loves him for who he is. You can’t really manufacture being in love, being interested in him if you aren’t.

What do you want? More excitement?
Could you take up a shared hobby? Take a holiday and make your mind up.
Separate for awhile and see how you feel then.
Do you even want a partner, you seem to prefer your own company? I think you need to do some serious soul searching.

Original poster
feelinglosttt · 05/09/2022 10:07

Darbs76 · 05/09/2022 09:54

Do you fancy him? Have you ever fancied him? I guess there lies your answer

I don't think I do. I have been attracted to him but tbh I've always sort of wished I fancied him more but I told myself that's not the most important thing (and I do still believe that). I also think someone's personality and the way you interact with them make them more attractive to you. We don't connect anymore really and when we do it's based on sharing memories of the past. Sometimes I find him quite dull or like I'm pretending to be interested. I know this isn't good, I feel awful about it but I'm not sure I want to go through my life forcing something or not being myself. He still thinks we can work on it but he also still has all the right feelings. I know the grass isn't necessarily greener though

OP posts:
LuluBlakey1 · 05/09/2022 10:10

WoolyMammoth55 · 05/09/2022 09:58

Hi OP, this is from FaceBook so in fairness I've no idea if it was said by Joni Mitchell or not... But I think it's good and useful either way. See what you think.

Joni Mitchell on monogamy.
“I don’t know if I’ve learned anything yet! I did learn how to have a happy home, but I consider myself fortunate in that regard because I could’ve rolled right by it. Everybody has a superficial side and a deep side, but this culture doesn’t place much value on depth — we don’t have shamans or soothsayers, and depth isn’t encouraged or understood. Surrounded by this shallow, glossy society we develop a shallow side, too, and we become attracted to fluff. That’s reflected in the fact that this culture sets up an addiction to romance based on insecurity — the uncertainty of whether or not you’re truly united with the object of your obsession is the rush people get hooked on. I’ve seen this pattern so much in myself and my friends and some people never get off that line.

“But along with developing my superficial side, I always nurtured a deeper longing, so even when I was falling into the trap of that other kind of love, I was hip to what I was doing. I recently read an article in Esquire magazine called ‘The End of Sex,’ that said something that struck me as very true. It said: “If you want endless repetition, see a lot of different people. If you want infinite variety, stay with one.” What happens when you date is you run all your best moves and tell all your best stories — and in a way, that routine is a method for falling in love with yourself over and over.

“You can’t do that with a longtime mate because he knows all that old material. With a long relationship, things die then are rekindled, and that shared process of rebirth deepens the love. It’s hard work, though, and a lot of people run at the first sign of trouble. You’re with this person, and suddenly you look like an asshole to them or they look like an asshole to you — it’s unpleasant, but if you can get through it you get closer and you learn a way of loving that’s different from the neurotic love enshrined in movies. It’s warmer and has more padding to it.”
~ Joni Mitchell

I think the last paragraph of that is very true.

Original poster
feelinglosttt · 05/09/2022 12:11

Suzi888 · 05/09/2022 10:04

You settled by the sounds of it and now you regret it. It honestly sounds like you should be honest and tell him, then let him find someone who loves him for who he is. You can’t really manufacture being in love, being interested in him if you aren’t.

What do you want? More excitement?
Could you take up a shared hobby? Take a holiday and make your mind up.
Separate for awhile and see how you feel then.
Do you even want a partner, you seem to prefer your own company? I think you need to do some serious soul searching.

More excitement yeah , more passion for each other. He feels more like a friend and I feel like I'm missing that extra element that makes it different to any other relationship. 15 years in I know things are gonna get stale but I don't think tbh they've ever been great in that area but I've just never really addressed it. I find myself getting annoyed at the smallest things, even the way he laughs and I don't know how to stop being like that. I don't outwardly show annoyance btw but I can feel it simmering in me. We've had lots of conversations about this over the past year or so. It's so awful knowing you're hurting another person in that way

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/09/2022 12:15

To be frank, it sounds as though the relationship has run its course.

The kindest thing you can do is to be honest with him, and yourself. It’s ok to do that.

Set yourselves free to co-parent amicably and continue to have respect for each other.

PetalParty · 05/09/2022 12:40

If even his laughter and joy is annoying to you now, you’ve reached a not good place, to say the least. Let him be free and happy without being treated with this sort of contempt.

JessieLola · 05/09/2022 13:15

I feel like this too. I feel like I’ve emotionally outgrown my husband and I constantly crave time alone…

HilarityEnsues · 05/09/2022 13:19

I don't think finding your husband a bit boring is fatal to a relationship, my husband has hobbies and interests that are extremely dull IMO, but he makes me laugh and more importantly, I fancy him a lot. I think if you have never had a spark, don't find him interesting and don't fancy him, I don't know what you can do other than set him free and yourself free, you don't have to spend your life with a man who basically annoys you having duty sex. In fact, that's horrible for him really even if he says that he doesn't want to move on right now.

I don't see this improving really, although you could try doing date nights, working on it, therapy, it does seem a bit pointless if even the basics aren't there.

Blahblahblahblah99 · 05/09/2022 14:17

I feel like this post is me, I’ve told my oh that I no longer want to be in a relationship with him.

I would rather be on my own.

I feel that perhaps I settled for him as he was a good man and he accepted I had a daughter from a previous relationship.
i don’t think I ever really fancied him or that there was a spark as such.

I’m trying to end things without it getting too messy and without hurting his feelings but he is not wanting to accept that the relationship is over. This in turn is making living together even more difficult.
I don’t want to be cruel but how can you tell someone you don’t think you ever really fancied them and that you aren’t attracted to them nicely?

Ive decided that life is too short and even if the next few months are rough he deserves to be happy and to be with someone who genuinely wants to be with him.

no real advise just know your not on your own

Sunnytwobridges · 05/09/2022 15:05

feelinglosttt · 05/09/2022 10:07

I don't think I do. I have been attracted to him but tbh I've always sort of wished I fancied him more but I told myself that's not the most important thing (and I do still believe that). I also think someone's personality and the way you interact with them make them more attractive to you. We don't connect anymore really and when we do it's based on sharing memories of the past. Sometimes I find him quite dull or like I'm pretending to be interested. I know this isn't good, I feel awful about it but I'm not sure I want to go through my life forcing something or not being myself. He still thinks we can work on it but he also still has all the right feelings. I know the grass isn't necessarily greener though

Show quote history

This sounds exactly how I felt about my ex. I never really fancied him from the beginning, but he was decent looking and I thought maybe once I got to know him my feelings would change. But over time it never happened, and I didn't like his personality. we only really connected on a "good friends" level, it never felt deeper or more than friends (for him it did but not for me). It didn't help that he wasn't very loving or affectionate with me, which would've probably made a huge difference. He was also boring most of the time and had no sense of romance so I never looked forward to seeing him, or being around him, or doing things with him unless i was utterly bored and just needed to waste time.

I hate that I wasted years, hoping that things would change. But now we are good friends (I think he would like more) and sometimes I"m tempted as I'm single and a bit lonely but then I realized that I was very often lonely when we were together so it would all end up being a huge let down if we did.

Original poster
feelinglosttt · 06/09/2022 11:54

I think I struggle to feel like I can leave him because nothing is really "wrong" and he's a good guy but it's not really a two way romantic relationship. We haven't been intimate for a long time and I don't want to but I feel terribly guilty about that. Because it's my only relationship I sometimes can't tell if things are "normal" or not.

OP posts:
pumpkinpie01 · 06/09/2022 13:18

You have mentioned that you have expressed these feelings to him , what's his reaction ?

Droo · 06/09/2022 13:28

Have you lost the spark for yourself? What things do you enjoy and do for you, just you? Do they give you a feeling of happiness and self worth?

Examine how you feel about yourself first and then think about your marriage. It’s easy to become bored and expect our partners to fill that emptiness.

Best of luck whatever you decide to do.