If your partner did this how would you feel, an I being sensitive ?

[Kitei]

Muttered ‘how dare you’ under his breath… asked him a few times what he said as it wasn’t clear, then when he told me, he said what he’d said, I asked what he was referring to and he said work, I then spent ages chatting with him about who had bothered him at work and it later emerges that he said it in relation to me… because I’d apparently done something that day …then asked if he wanted to have dinner outside in garden as it was sunny. I’d no idea hw was so furious with me and can’t fathom he would then do something like that?!

That should say ‘because I’d apparently done/said something something that day, then had the nerve to suggest we sit in the garden as it was sunny.’

Did he tell you what the thing was that you supposedly did?

The only person I’ve ever known who would ruminate and mutter under his breath… turned out to be very dangerous. That kind of bubbling suppressed anger is worrying.

Sounds toxic. Is your relationship always like this ?

Well there’s no way of answering that OP as you don’t say what you did that upset him!

Muttering under your breath is profoundly annoying, but I don’t understand why it would make you feel particularly sensitive.

@UnusualJobForAWoman yeah apparently I had been really demanding and rude (probably had as was having an awful awful time) and then I’d just breezily said we should go to the garden as it was sunny and have a chat in the sun.

it was just the muttering, lying and the fact he would even be irritated I’d suggested sitting outside and not tell me he was irritated.

I’m sorry, but I don’t understand.

That was the sort of thing my ex would have done, and did. If he couldn't find something to get angry about he made it up, then he was justified in his behaviour.

How is your relationship in general, OP?

It’s hard to comment because you still haven’t said what the demanding and rude behaviour was…

So you were shitty to him then expected him to act all bright and breezy? Is that right?

Then he said "how dare you" under his breath, as in 'how dare you pretend you haven't just been horrible'?

apparently I had been really demanding and rude (probably had as was having an awful awful time) and then I’d just breezily said we should go to the garden as it was sunny and have a chat in the sun.

What actually is he saying happened? Is he often like this to you?

Well, if you had been horrible to him then why wouldn't he say 'how dare you?'

You don't sound like you communicate very well - you're rude and demanding, he's passive aggressive. Not a great combination.

So just trying to understand what he thinks happened...

According to him (and perhaps you) you had been rude and horrible to him during the day so I assume no pleasantries or nice conversation through the day?

Then at the end of it and not referencing or apologising for being rude, you started talking about dinner and enjoying it in the sun.

Then he muttered 'how dare you' as in, how dare you be so rude to me and then be all casual with no apology and start talking about dinner...

I'm not defending him but your post it a bit tricky to follow what played out?

How were you rude and horrible to him during the day?

For how long had you been unpleasant to him because you'd had a bad day?

Tbh, if someone was demanding and rude to me because they'd had a bad day and then 'breezily' suggested we did something nice together, I probably wouldn't mutter anything under my breath but I'd definitely be thinking it and I probably wouldn't be feeling all that inclined to do it.

It does sound like a communication issue.

Did you apologise for being rude and demanding (you said you had been)? Or did you just realise you had been and suggest something nice to counter it but without acknowledging it?

This isn't intended to have a go at you, more a question of have you considered what it looked like from his perspective? Did he have reason to be irked by the way you'd spoken to him? Could you have acknowledged/apologised for it before suggesting something nice as a bit of a 'right, I know I'm being an arse and I need to get out of it!' way?

Your post is confusing and unclear. What is the context of the relationship as a whole? He you been vile to him the whole day and then (instead of apologising) just breezily suggested a 'nice' meal in the garden, with no acknowledgement of your previous behaviour, which passed him off? Confused.

You can’t be rude and demanding because you’ve jar a bad day. Why would you think that’s okay? And then instead of apologising for taking things out on him you breezily talk about dinner. How dare you seems an appropriate response tbh. Find better ways to process stress than emotionally abusing your partner.

The fact he didn’t feel about to be honest about how upset he was at your behaviour suggests he’s used to you lashing out and was worried he’d get another earful.

Toxic.

It all sounds like hard work - both of you. You take out your awful day on him; he doesn’t communicate his feelings directly.
If this is something that happens often - I think this relationship will only become more and more distinctional.

‘Dysfunctional’

Agree with PP here - if you’d given me a hard time all day and then breezily shifted tempo without acknowledging it, I’d probably be a bit annoyed to and I think muttering “how dare you?” under his breath isn’t a particularly unreasonable response. There may well be way more to it but, from what you’ve written, you seem to expect him to accommodate your moods without having any feelings of his own.

I think if the situation was reversed and he'd been demanding and rude toward you all day and then just suddenly acted like nothing was wrong, you'd probably mutter under your breath too. 😂

He has been silently festering, angry at your rude behaviour. You had no idea. You also thought it was ok to be rude to him then just switch it up and be all breezy, and expect him to just adapt to your moods??

Fuck that! I don't blame him for muttering. Did you not notice he was pissed off??

Bad communication all round.

I second that. Started off as muttering, became verbal abuse, the verbal threats.

Yes, I agree that the poor communication started with him being an arsehole.

It’s not her job to notice he’s feeling pissed off, fgs. If there’s an issue, he needs to clearly state what the problem is at the time it happens, not hours later.

Anyone silently festering anger with that passive aggressive muttering nonsense would be clearly told to ‘Fuck off!’ very loudly by me. I refuse to put up with grown men and women who clearly like to sulk.

This is the way I was reading it too but I’m a little confused.

I don’t get it.
You were rude to him or in a shitty mood, then when it suited you to snap out of it you suddenly flipped back to happy mode? And he didn’t react kindly to that?
Seems like you’re making a mountain out of a mole hill here.

I think if the situation was reversed and he'd been demanding and rude toward you all day and then just suddenly acted like nothing was wrong, you'd probably mutter under your breath too. 😂

I was kind of thinking this too. I don’t see what the fuss is about. I guess because he’s a man it sounds more intimidating? But if a female partner said it then it wouldn’t be such a big deal.