Should I be worried

DeanP · 2022-08-26T06:46:09+00:00

Hi, I'm a married man of 8 years but recently been worried about my wife having feelings for another man. This boiled over recently as my wife was on a night out with work (they used to work together) and I've been shown a video of them walking home slowly and holding hands. I also video called her as I knew she was walking home and she rejected my call. She has also lied about who she was messaging when I saw her messaging this man. Am I wrong to feel like this is cheating?

C1N1C · 26/08/2022 08:00

To me this is cheating...

When looked at individually, no biggie.

Some people are more affectionate and tactile with members of the opposite sex, the Italians are known for it!- so hand holding could be forgiven.

Ignoring a call when out with a colleague is also normal.

Hiding and lying about a message or two, COULD be innocent if it is a personal matter or say a birthday surprise.

...but put all together and it doesn't look good. Rather than let it fester, gently confront her and say you have concerns... say you don't want to stifle her independence or control her, but that the signs could be interpreted as diverted attentions and you'd like a bit of reassurance. Then it's a case of closely examining body language... darting eyes, nervousness etc... or conversely if she raises hell rather than a a mature reassurance, this is also a bad sign.

Go into it assuming you've misread the signs so you're not confrontational.

Original poster

DeanP · 26/08/2022 09:32

Thank you.

I just don't know how to cope with it, I have extremely strong views on cheating and my wife knows this. I just don't think I can move past it. I consider hidolding hands such an intimate act and its not something I have ever seen her do any other time (infact she has argued with me in the past i dont do it enough with her).
I just feel completely broken with it all.
I would rather it have been a kiss, that is over in seconds!!!

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Original poster

DeanP · 26/08/2022 11:09

Any other views on this please as I'd be really keen to hear other thoughts and views on if I'm over reacting or if this is cheating

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cocktailclub · 26/08/2022 11:11

It could be the start of something more serious, it could be affection for a colleague. Who showed you the video? They might think there's more to it?

Noonoo88 · 26/08/2022 11:17

The way I look at things is - if you're doing/saying something that you wouldn't if your partner was sat next to you, that's cheating. Or at least it's deception and that's not good for a healthy relationship either. As mentioned above all of this put together doesn't look good. The thought of my partner doing this to me makes my blood run cold, so you are absolutely justified in how you feel. Not that you need justification at all, if something upsets you or makes you uncomfortable then you absolutely have the right to confront your wife about it

Dery · 26/08/2022 12:57

@C1N1C‘s advice sounds very sound to me including on how to have the discussion with your wife. In an odd way, though, I do wonder whether the fact they were doing it in front of colleagues means that, in your wife’s and this guy’s minds, it was innocent and devoid of any particular meaning. It also worries me that someone had video of this and showed it to you. That smacks of mischief-making and shit-stirring to me. Were they spying on her or something?

MarigoldMoonStone · 26/08/2022 13:37

It is cheating. holding hands with another man and secretly messaging him?! As if anyone would be okay with their partner doing that

GreyCarpet · 26/08/2022 13:44

That's cheating. As you say, holding hands is an intimate act. I hold hands with my daughter who, at 16, still likes to and my partner. That's it.

If I saw him holding hands with someone else, I'd end it.

GreyCarpet · 26/08/2022 13:46

It also worries me that someone had video of this and showed it to you. That smacks of mischief-making and shit-stirring to me. Were they spying on her or something?

I don't think OP needs to concern himself with that.

If she hadn't been doing it, it couldn't have been filmed, could it?

MMmomDD · 26/08/2022 13:52

I think there is a difference between inappropriate behaviour that is crossing the line and cheating. Like in anything - I think there are degrees and shades.
For example - this behaviour is certainly not great but if you decided to divorce her over it - I’d think it’s an overreaction.

Have you actually spoken to her about it?

EBearhug · 26/08/2022 13:55

I do wonder whether the fact they were doing it in front of colleagues means that, in your wife’s and this guy’s minds, it was innocent and devoid of any particular meaning.

If I held hands with a colleague and anyone noticed, it would definitely be commented on as having some meaning, even if the ensuing comments were along the lines of, "he's not a toddler, you don't need to hold his hand to cross the road!" (That may have happened...) They'd have to be exceptionally naive to think it would be seen as innocent and devoid of meaning.

GreyCarpet · 26/08/2022 14:06

MMmomDD · 26/08/2022 13:52

I think there is a difference between inappropriate behaviour that is crossing the line and cheating. Like in anything - I think there are degrees and shades.
For example - this behaviour is certainly not great but if you decided to divorce her over it - I’d think it’s an overreaction.

Have you actually spoken to her about it?

I know what you mean but it's hugely disrespectful to behave like that with a colleague in front of other colleagues.

I'd be ending it for the disrespect and loss of trust as much as the inappropriate behaviour itself.

MMmomDD · 26/08/2022 14:25

@GreyCarpet

Ending an 8 year long marriage over drunken walk holding hands in the night? Wow.

Without speaking to her? Whiteout giving her a chance to explain or at least apologise and see if she is actually sorry, understands it was wrong, etc?
Without thinking what it all means for their life, and potentially for the kids (if they have any).

It’s always easy to give this advice - leave when it’s not your own life. This is why so often we see women coming on here saying - I’d always thought I’d leave if he cheated but now it happened to me - I can’t… And this is normally about actual cheating. Not one incident of questionable behaviour.

Original poster

DeanP · 26/08/2022 15:37

Thank you for all the comments.

So the holding hands was after the night had finished and they was alone walking home. I had my suspicions something wasn't right and asked a friend for video footage on the route home which is how I found this out.

I have since confronted my wife over this and she has apologised and accepted it was wrong and a drunk mistake but wasn't intended as an intimate act, just friends walking home but I don't seem to be able to come to terms with it...am I wrong?.

I have 2 children and any split would devastate them but I still can't help get a feeling out of my gut that this is something more than the innocent mistake claimed.

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Marineboy67 · 26/08/2022 15:58

A gut feeling is often not wrong. Did the video footage cover your wife's entire journey back to the front door. Or is there a time before and after the filming when you'll never know exactly what happened. Whether they embraced, kissed, or made out?
It's the not knowing and only having their word or lies about it. If it feels tainted it's hard to move beyond it.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 26/08/2022 16:05

I had my suspicions something wasn't right and asked a friend for video footage on the route home which is how I found this out.

Something's not right here.

GreyCarpet · 26/08/2022 16:22

MMmomDD · 26/08/2022 14:25

@GreyCarpet

Ending an 8 year long marriage over drunken walk holding hands in the night? Wow.

Without speaking to her? Whiteout giving her a chance to explain or at least apologise and see if she is actually sorry, understands it was wrong, etc?
Without thinking what it all means for their life, and potentially for the kids (if they have any).

It’s always easy to give this advice - leave when it’s not your own life. This is why so often we see women coming on here saying - I’d always thought I’d leave if he cheated but now it happened to me - I can’t… And this is normally about actual cheating. Not one incident of questionable behaviour.

Well maybe I'm an anomaly then because I did leave on a suspicion (no actual evidence) of cheating. It turned out he was - of course it did. But it was the disrespect I left over. I won't be in relationship with someone who doesn't respect me and particularly with someone who would disrespect me so publicly 🤷🏻‍♀️

GreyCarpet · 26/08/2022 16:24

So the holding hands was after the night had finished and they was alone walking home. I had my suspicions something wasn't right and asked a friend for video footage on the route home which is how I found this out.

They weren't alone though if your friend had videoed it. Why did they video it? Did they intend to show you at some point? Were they concerned it might be more? Thought it was funny?

GreyCarpet · 26/08/2022 16:25

but I still can't help get a feeling out of my gut that this is something more than the innocent mistake claimed.

And this is the problem. Once someone has broken your trust, it'll never be the same again.

MMmomDD · 26/08/2022 16:50

@GreyCarpet

I presume (hope) when you left on a suspicion of cheating you weren’t married for a long time with a few children.
It may hard for you to understand that it makes a difference, but it does.

As to the OP with suspicions and asking a friend to video their walk home - walk specifically ? Or is there other footage of the night???
Something doesn’t sit right with me in the way he is talking about it.

@DeanP if you had your suspicions - why didn’t you ask your W? And what specifically did you ask a friend? Did you send him the the place to spy on your W all night?
And why did you need the video - presumably you could have asked your friend what happened on the night?

All sounds a bit unhealthy.

I dont know what your marriage is like but I think there is more to the story.
And you sound like a combination of controlling but also quite insecure person.

GreyCarpet · 26/08/2022 17:06

MMmomDD · 26/08/2022 16:50

@GreyCarpet

I presume (hope) when you left on a suspicion of cheating you weren’t married for a long time with a few children.
It may hard for you to understand that it makes a difference, but it does.

As to the OP with suspicions and asking a friend to video their walk home - walk specifically ? Or is there other footage of the night???
Something doesn’t sit right with me in the way he is talking about it.

@DeanP if you had your suspicions - why didn’t you ask your W? And what specifically did you ask a friend? Did you send him the the place to spy on your W all night?
And why did you need the video - presumably you could have asked your friend what happened on the night?

All sounds a bit unhealthy.

I dont know what your marriage is like but I think there is more to the story.
And you sound like a combination of controlling but also quite insecure person.

We'd been together for 11 years and married for 4 with 2 children.

And he was cheating but I didn't find out until about a month after he left.

They're marrying next month.

Facecream · 26/08/2022 17:09

is the friend actually a private investigator OP?
How do you know she lied about messaging this guy?

Original poster

DeanP · 26/08/2022 17:19

I asked a friend who lives on a street on the walk home, he showed me video footage from CCTV on the night.

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Original poster

DeanP · 26/08/2022 17:20

I saw her messaging the person in question, when I asked her she stated someone else.

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Original poster

DeanP · 26/08/2022 17:24

Just to add on the message side, it wasn't an interrogation, it's something we both do of texting. Just ask who we're speaking to out of interest

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