Should I be worried

[DeanP]

Hi, I'm a married man of 8 years but recently been worried about my wife having feelings for another man. This boiled over recently as my wife was on a night out with work (they used to work together) and I've been shown a video of them walking home slowly and holding hands. I also video called her as I knew she was walking home and she rejected my call. She has also lied about who she was messaging when I saw her messaging this man. Am I wrong to feel like this is cheating?

Personally I think she's taking you for a fool. Probably time to get your ducks in a row and keep a firm eye on what's happening next.

So - OP… let me get it straight
You had suspicions about your W who was on a night out. And your suspicion was specific to the walk home. (Not a drunken kiss/hug as most people would sometimes do on a drunk night out as a typical lapse of judgement)…

Carrying on - your suspicion was about the walk home, which happened to be exactly through the route where your friend lives.
Friend who also conveniently has access to CCTV on said street. And you W held hands as they passed the camera, on a cue…

This sounds better and better. Also curiouser.

She's being intimate with another man. Holding hands is a loving act between two people who care about each other and feel connected, either physically or emotionally. If the man is not gay, then it would imply one of them has sexual feelings for the other at the very least.

@GreyCarpet

I am sorry about your marriage. But you didn’t leave over just suspicion - you said you left because of loss of respect. So, I am guessing back in the day - the relationship was already in a bad place. And when you suspected cheating it was the last straw.

I was trying to make a point that suspicion on its own - in the absence of other signs - or issues in a marriage - can’t be a reason to break up a marriage. Suspicions can be right, but they can also be wrong.

It’s hard to know what is going on in this OP’a marriage,

He (and the whole story frankly) sounds a bit off to me, but who knows.

OK, I think I need to clear a few points up here.

So I've had suspicions for a while about this person and this was then just another night out (2nd leaving party since she left previous employment). My wife also worked with her mum so following the end if the night 3 people went back to my mother in laws, MIW, wife and the person in question.

We have a tracking app on all our phones to see where we all are (used really for the kids) but as I'd not had any messages all night I'd check to see where my wife was to make sure she was OK and in the places she'd said they all would be.

On checking late on I saw she was making her way home back from her mums, so I video called her to see if she was OK as the tracker had put her in a dark back street on the way home for 10 mins and its a 20 min walk from her mums. The call was ignored and I got a call back 2 mins later saying all was OK and she missed my call (plausible but didn't sit well). Only when she called I found out she was walking back with this person in question who lives in a completely different town and all the people he came out with had gone home.

This is why I got more worried so asked someone who lived on the walk back to seeif they had any videos of them walking home and say both strolling hand in hand, not drunk and keeping stability but like a loved up couple....this is why I can't get this out of my head. Not just what I have seen but what other things might have happened. When I originally saw this it was a shock but i thought it might just have been innocent but then when she lied about messaging him too a few days after, I felt and still am feeling completely betrayed.

I think the best thing you can do is tell her how you are feeling and ask her openly what is going on.
The video of her holding hands doesn’t sound good but to me it also makes you look bad. I know you now don’t trust her but it feels too much to be watching her.
You are worried and not happy. She’s hiding speaking to him, either because she doesn’t want you to jump to conclusions and make a big deal out of it or because there might be the start of something going on. Either way, ask her about this. Tell her you know she’s messaging the other person and how it makes you feel. I’ve been in your situation, it’s horrible and makes you question everything. I asked my partner about the messages and he straight up denied things but I’d already seen them so when I pointed this out, he quickly came clean about things. Honestly, I felt better once I spoke to him about it, I needed answers and all the snooping on my part made me feel more anxious.

@DeanP your clarification doesn’t make you sound any better.
Your W was at a party, with her mother and mother’s partner. She didn’t text you while at the party - this isn’t some strange thing. Why should she?
Then you proceeded to track her several times in the night.
Then she called you back while being 10 min out. And told you colleague X is walking her home.
And - how is it that your friend has access to his streets’a CCTV?

You sound terribly controlling.

Your W was out with friends and her mom. And then at her mom’s house. Chances that she (or anyone really) are so callous as to being someone and be inappropriate with them at their mom’s place - are quite low. Then there is a 20 min walk home, where she talks to you half way. The colleague was nice and walked her home as it was late.
Handholding is the questionable bit. Fine - deal with that.
In the absence of you telling about the rest of relationship being strained, or any other issues between you - this doesn’t justify the massive deal you are making of it.

Not sure what you want from these posts. You sound fixated on this and it is probably part of your personality.
If you are unhappy in your relationship - you can leave at any time and not need a bunch of strangers on internet to tell you it’s OK.

I'm not going to derail someone else's thread so this is the last time I'll respond.

I kicked him out because I had suspicions, nothing concrete, and that was enough. If someone is behaving in such a way as to make me genuinely suspicious then that is where the disrespect lies. Its fine to leave a relationship at any stage if you are unhappy in it. It doesn't matter how long you've been together and I only post to counter the comments of others who say, "It's easy to say leave, wait until you're in that position yourself, then you'll see its not so easy!"

Well, I was in that position and I did leave and others can do too.

I have been through a divorce with two kids after a long relationship.
I was unhappy for a long time and did finally leave, when I had no other choice, to protect my future. I struggled with the decision as it was going to affect not just me, but my kids too.
It was one of the hardest things I have done in my life. Despite being fortunate and, at least financially, being in a place where I can still raise my kids and life is not affected too much.

@GreyCarpet It is so unfair to say - I did it - anyone can. So many people, mostly women, are stuck in situations where they’re can’t easily leave. And so many really struggle after leaving.
In addition - plenty of controlling and obsessive partners accuse their spouses baselessly. Often with little to no basis to it.

Advocating just leaving in and all situations - I think is irresponsible. Saying it doesn’t matter if there are kids and or how long/happy otherwise the relationship is - is even more irresponsible and selfish.

OP - I don’t know anything about what your marriage is like. Obviously - if you are unhappy - you need to do something. But I would at least start with communicating with your W and figuring out where you two stand.

Reading your comments is making me really worried about your wife, to be honest.

OP - this is difficult.

I think people on this thread (including me) are sympathetic to your hurt and concerns.

But as @Cherchezlaspice hinted, there is something about your approach which i find a bit scary.

You’re male so you won’t necessarily realise that, at bottom, men are potentially scary to women in a way that women generally are not scary to men because ultimately most men are physically stronger and faster than most women and, generally, more aggressive.

There isn’t any reason for your wife to communicate with you on a night out or a journey home and it’s very odd that someone has been able to come up with footage of your wife and this man walking home.

Whatever the rights and wrongs of what your wife is doing, you are coming over as controlling and this is making some of us nervous for your wife.

I'm not sure I agree on the controlling part, yes I track my wife on a night out that that is purely for safety reasons. Just like I track my eldest if she goes out playing. There's been some horrific events recently so I'm always a little on edge when she goes out and like to track and message just to make sure she's having a good night and ok.

I do appreciate all the comments and thoughts though, we're talking and working things through.

Good to hear that you’re talking, OP. Hopefully you will get to a good place together on this.

Your W isn’t your child. You don’t need to track her to make sure she is having a good time.
You don’t need to agree - but most women would find it stifling and controlling.

I'm not advocating leaving all all situations or saying that leaving in all situations is easy but so many people tolerate crappy relationships for fear of what is on the otherside.

I had no support, I wasn't working and I'd lost both my parents in the previous 5 months. My dad had died 2 weeks earlier.

I've no doubt it isn't easy for anyone but it isn't impossible either.

If someone accuses their ppartner repeatedly and baselelssly for whatever eason then they are both better off out of that situation.

What a miserable way to live!

We get one life. It's up to us how we choose to spend it.

No one has to agree with me but I would leave and others have challenged me on that which is why I've continued to post on the subject.

And it was one of the hardest things for me too. But the right thing to do is rarely the easiest.

Your wife is not your child. You shouldn’t be bloody ‘tracking’ her. How can you possibly think this is normal, healthy or acceptable? Do you think that this is standard behaviour in relationships? If so, what has led you to this belief?

Sounds odd to me why anyone would video a walk home

This feels like an abusive man giving us a carefully curated (but still dodgy as hell) version of events, so he can go beat her over the head with ‘even other women think this is terrible’. Everything about this story is plastered in red flags.

As stated, I'm working this out with my wife and at not one point have I "beaten her with other women think the same". I've shown her the video and explained the same as on here and we're getting things sorted.

I actually wanted womens opinions on whether holding hands with someone else when married is a common thing or just something I'm reading too much into as to me it was an intimate act.

Believe or not this thread has helped massively but please don't call me abusive.

You are tracking your wife and getting people to secretly film her. The fact that you freely admit this, and don’t think it’s controlling abusive behaviour is terrifying.

You are abusive and I will say so.

I track her yes, again that was purely for safety but I can see how it looks too. But it's something we both do and are well aware of. Maybe it's seen as strange to others but we're both fully aware of and comfortable with.

I didn't get anyone to secretly film her, I asked a friend who has a security system on his house for footage of her walking past his house.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion though so I won't question or bother you again.

I think they’re probably sleeping together

@DeanP Just ignore the posters calling your controlling. There are hundreds of similar posts from women who have suspicions there partner is cheating citing similar red flags as you. They are universally supported and told to gather more evidence, confront the partner and get their ducks in a row to leave. These women are told to listen to their gut and trust their instincts because they are usually right. I'd say the same to you.