Newborn / ex partner BC dilemma

[Newmama2222]

Hi everyone,
I really need some advice. I’ve been with my partner for 4 years and our relationship has certainly had its ups and downs. After a year off we got back together and I quickly became pregnant. From that point on our issues really escalated. He wanted me to have an abortion and I didn’t. I tried to consider it with therapy from the abortion clinic but realised that was solely down to the pressure from him to abort. I went to register the baby’s birth alone to get the ball rolling, I was too scared to tell him as I knew he’d be really angry since I was still meant to be considering abortion at that stage. I finally told him i’m keeping it but hadn’t mentioned the first appointment. Fast forward to the 12 week scan, he came along and a midwife there mentioned the first appt, he realised I’d gone without him and flipped out because I had “lied” and said he didn’t want the baby with me and wanted to leave me. From then on life was hell. He didn’t leave but he criticised me for anything I’d do, ignore me, tell me he didn’t love me, tell me I’d be a bad mother, all sorts, all the time. All under the guise that I am a liar (I have hidden a few things in the past for fear of his reaction so going to the appointment alone was not the first time.)
Despite the way he was treating me he was looking for a bigger flat for us to move into. Kept saying he had to do the right thing but resented me as I had “trapped” him and changed his life for the worse. It came to labour. He wasn’t very nice or supportive. Since my baby has been here he’s tried to act like dad of the year. He shows a lot of care for my baby but still basically ignores me. He’s currently using me as he knows if I move he won’t see her. I’m feeling really upset and resentful that he made me feel so awful for rejecting the abortion and now acting as though she’s rightfully his. I know she is half his but I went through hell and back throughout pregnancy to have her here despite his efforts to break me to get me back. Now it comes to registering the birth and a large part of me doesn’t want to put him on the BC as he’s already mentioned fighting me for 50/50 as soon as my baby is no longer exclusively BF. But part of me thinks I’m being immature and is it unfair to my baby. I wouldn’t cut him out but I would like to have more control. We aren’t together now but are living together so it’s incredibly tricky. I am looking to move out with her and friends have advised me to not add him to the BC for immediate protection. If anyone has any advice on this I’d be hugely appreciative.
Thank you!

Listen to your friends

Do not put his name on the birth certificate. Move asap

OP - imagine 20 years from now. Your child is a grown up.
If your Ex is serious about being involved - he’ll challenge you though courts and get to have a relationship with your child.
So - 20 years from now - what would you tell your grown up child about why you wanted to prevent them having a relationship?

If your Ex is bluffing and using the 50/50 as a way to threaten you - it will be very clear. And very soon his desire to actually have the child for 50% of the time will disappear..

I get trying to keep a bad father away from a child. But trying to keep a seemingly (to be tested by time) good father away? All because you want ‘more control’ and also because he behaved poorly when you got pregnant? It sounds selfish. Also, controlling.
That baby has two parents. Both have a right to be there to see them grow up.

It only makes everything more expensive if you don’t put him on the birth certificate. If he can get the money, and he wants to spend it, if he is the father he will get parental rights in the end. It will just cost him - and possibly you - a lot of money and a lot of bad will, time, and agro for absolutely nothing - except to make you even more resent each other.

Better spending the money not on lawyers but on your baby - or failing that, at least on counsellors - so you might learn to talk to each other and parent together - because that’s what it sounds like you are going to be doing.

You love your little girl and it sounds like he does too. That’s a start.

Your friends are not giving you advice.

Thank you so much for this advice, @AbbieLexie @notangelinajolie youre advice is what I feel inside too, I do wonder if you’re right @SultanOfSwing @MMmomDD - he definitely wants to be in my daughters life so it may end up making our lives more stressful in the end if we start arguing about him being on the BC. I do feel scared about the idea of 50/50 though. He was verbally and emotionally abusive towards me throughout the pregnancy but that doesn’t mean he will be with her. Does anyone know how likely 50/50 is? I keep saying to him how could she live in two homes.. surely that’s more destructive than good as there’s a lack of stability?

He can still get contact and PR through the court without being on the BC so it won't protect you much.
however in my experience he's not likely to get 50/50 with such a young child. He is likely to get overnights at some point though.

Put him on the BC, it will get expensive later if he contests it. However, I would advise against giving your DD his name. There's no need.
If he's being caring to the baby, that is a good thing for her. If she grows up seeing her parents hating each other, that is not a good thing for her. She'd be better having two loving homes.

@Newmama2222

I know a family where parents split up before birth. Both wanted to be involved. So they cooperated and worked as a team - ended up having their places near each other. And originally the baby didn’t move houses, but father was around a lot.
Then, by the time kid started school they had an arrangement close to 50/50 that worked well, with their work schedule. Also they showed up as a joint team to school events and fixtures, parents appointments.
It was actually quite functional and worked. The child grew up this way so it seemed natural to them.

OP - don’t worry about the future too much right now - it will work itself out. Most important right now is for you to have healthy pregnancy/birth.
If your child will have two parents in their life who love them - it’s a great thing.

Not putting him on BC us just fuelling the fire
going down the legal route he would end up on it anyway just a long drawn out and expensive process cause resentment and souring you relationship further

Thank you @supersop60 that’s a good point. i was thinking of double barreling the name. He got annoyed when I told him I wasn’t comfortable giving her his surname.. I think it’s a fair compromise but he sees it as me disrespecting him. That’s just what he’s like. I don’t know many women who would give their baby the BDs surname when they are not together!!

I think that's a good point too. DD does not have to have his surname. You are not married. When in the hospital baby would have been Baby Newmama right?
Why is he trying to control this too? You don't have to let him have everything

Definitely just give her your name. Don't double barrel. Don't give her his.

if he gets mad I wouldn't hesitate to tell him she's here despite him, not because of him. He wanted her terminated.

Tell him to move out, you don't need to be living together, it's not doing your mental health any good!!

@Newmama2222 are you breastfeeding her? If you are or can start to, all the better!

he won't get 50:50 until she's older. He's trying to frighten you & probably avoid paying CMS, don't let him bully you.

@TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination She’s here despite him, not because of him.. that’s so very true, thank you. He is a bit of an emotional bully, quite manipulative and always seems to ‘win’ arguments even when he’s very much in the wrong. I am often left questioning whether I’m being unfair as he makes me feel that way, so it’s really helpful to hear opinions like this, thank you!

I am BF her exclusively and funnily enough you ask, he’s been accusing me of trying to “dim his light” be wanting to do everything for her including BF. Keeps implying it’s selfish and I should get the bottle and pump out. I think he’s doing this more so he can say he can take her when he leaves more than anything about actually wanting to feed as imo it’s pretty normal for a new mum to want to try to BF for as long as poss if it’s going well.

I would love to give her just my surname, I’m a bit worried about how he’ll react though. He makes everything about him and always turns things around to make me feel like the selfish one. Even tonight he’s gone on a night out (his first in over six weeks he keeps saying like he’s owed something) - annoying how men do this. Women carry the baby, go through labour, sacrifice everything for their newborn and the man complains because he’s no longer going out or to the gym as much. And then threatens 50/50 custody. Sorry for the rant. As you can tell, I’m pretty tired of his ways!

@twoandcooplease yes she did have my surname in the hospital. He also has sent me two middle names from his family that he’s insisting she has on the BC. And his mum made a comment to me about not double barreling and taking their family name. I don’t think he realises that my daughter would automatically have my name so he’s actually lucky to have me offer that up when we’re no longer a couple.
Do you definitely think it’s reasonable for me to give her just my surname even though he says he wants to be an active dad? Keen to hear your opinion. Thank you!!

My opinion? I think you're totally reasonable

When you're with a controlling man every decision is made for you but then when you become a mum you're given all of these rights and responsibilities for the baby so you make sure you make the right choices because that's your child
You know how much she means to you and how much you want to protect her
But also, he is her dad and I know it must be hard to let go a because you fought for her and he didn't and now he's just enjoying her forgetting the nasty things he said during pregnancy. She's here now. Congratulations xx
Also, I really really don't think you're being immature

I do have a personal experience from your exes perspective. Daughter doesn't have dads surname. I agree with the mums decision to not give it. Dad didn't care during pregnancy either, barely tried until much older etc.
he's on the bc just not surname

I didn't put my ex on the birth cert because I didn't totally trust him. In the end, he was always part of my dd's life but he didn't have the opportunity to mess us around.

Give the kid one of the two middle names that his family suggested and your own surname. Absolutely don’t use dad’s surname. It’s illogical. Baby is going to be with you at least 50% of the time.

It depends on your area buy ours half of the registration takes place over the phone anyway. Do not give your DD his surname and don't double barrel.

I don't agree with not putting him on the BC but simply don't discuss surname with him any longer. If he kicks off at the appointment refuses to sign or walks out then he's not on the certificate simple as really. If he says anything simply state we are not married we aren't even together so why would she have your surname.

The demands about surname and middle names is about control yes, but it's also about possession. He's trying to wrestle power over you like your baby is an object, not a living human. like him wanting you to pump so he can just take the baby when he wants, he sees neither you nor the baby as actual people, just things that are to be manipulated into doing what he wants.

Someone upthread said about how when you become a mum you're suddenly given all these rights, and he doesn't like you having those rights, so he's trying to bully you into giving them up.

Birth certificate- if he's serious about contact, you might as well do it rather than him going through the courts.

BUT I advise you to get him to provide written agreement, rather than attend registration with you in case he tries to force the issue of naming there.

Name the baby with your surname. Double barrel or use his as a middle name, fine.

It's absolute sexist bollocks that his name should be the surname, and it'll be a pain in the arse if he is one of those men who is all about his rights, but in practice buggers off and doesn't really bother with his kid once the novelty has worn off.

I meant to add - I heard of a parent (sorry for being vague) who couldn't take their child on a holiday abroad because their passports had different surnames. I can't verify this atm - I'll double-check.

There's more information on the MN Holiday forum.

You are supposed to have permission from everyone with parental responsibility before taking a child abroad. This is regardless of the child's surname. Those on the birth certificate have parental responsibility

Congratulations! Do not give the child his surname, I say this from experience. It's an archaic expectation from a bully who does not deserve it. I wish, wish, wish I had gone with my gut and given my children my surname.