Newborn / ex partner BC dilemma

[Newmama2222]

Hi everyone,
I really need some advice. I’ve been with my partner for 4 years and our relationship has certainly had its ups and downs. After a year off we got back together and I quickly became pregnant. From that point on our issues really escalated. He wanted me to have an abortion and I didn’t. I tried to consider it with therapy from the abortion clinic but realised that was solely down to the pressure from him to abort. I went to register the baby’s birth alone to get the ball rolling, I was too scared to tell him as I knew he’d be really angry since I was still meant to be considering abortion at that stage. I finally told him i’m keeping it but hadn’t mentioned the first appointment. Fast forward to the 12 week scan, he came along and a midwife there mentioned the first appt, he realised I’d gone without him and flipped out because I had “lied” and said he didn’t want the baby with me and wanted to leave me. From then on life was hell. He didn’t leave but he criticised me for anything I’d do, ignore me, tell me he didn’t love me, tell me I’d be a bad mother, all sorts, all the time. All under the guise that I am a liar (I have hidden a few things in the past for fear of his reaction so going to the appointment alone was not the first time.)
Despite the way he was treating me he was looking for a bigger flat for us to move into. Kept saying he had to do the right thing but resented me as I had “trapped” him and changed his life for the worse. It came to labour. He wasn’t very nice or supportive. Since my baby has been here he’s tried to act like dad of the year. He shows a lot of care for my baby but still basically ignores me. He’s currently using me as he knows if I move he won’t see her. I’m feeling really upset and resentful that he made me feel so awful for rejecting the abortion and now acting as though she’s rightfully his. I know she is half his but I went through hell and back throughout pregnancy to have her here despite his efforts to break me to get me back. Now it comes to registering the birth and a large part of me doesn’t want to put him on the BC as he’s already mentioned fighting me for 50/50 as soon as my baby is no longer exclusively BF. But part of me thinks I’m being immature and is it unfair to my baby. I wouldn’t cut him out but I would like to have more control. We aren’t together now but are living together so it’s incredibly tricky. I am looking to move out with her and friends have advised me to not add him to the BC for immediate protection. If anyone has any advice on this I’d be hugely appreciative.
Thank you!

Surnames aren’t an issue. In huge swathes of the world it’s very common for women to keep their surname and for children to only have the same name as one of their parents.

Everyone who has PR should give permission to go abroad. If someone doesn’t give it then going to court can take time (though very few holidays are turned down and judges take a dim view on people using the courts as a control method.)

Give the child your surname.

he sounds like a manipulative bully.

if he wants PR after the fact it is very easy for him to go to court and get it. Very few men actually bother though as the whole “I want her full time” (or even 50%) is often just bullshit designed to make you stay with them

Give baby your surname and don't put him on BC. Just do it without taking him you've made the appointment.

He sounds like trouble. All the talk of "respecting" him and not "dimming his light" wtf? He even kicked off about you going to a medical appointment without taking him which you were 100% entitled to do!

If he really wants PR he can take the necessary steps later but I sense that once you have left and are outside his control he may well lose all interest in both you and baby.

He’s currently using me as he knows if I move he won’t see her.
Sounds like a good plan all round.
Neither you or your baby need this tosser in your lives.

a large part of me doesn’t want to put him on the BC as he’s already mentioned fighting me for 50/50 as soon as my baby is no longer exclusively BF.
ha ha ha right.
The man who didn;t want a baby, who presurred you to abort, who has blown up at you, doesn't want to be with you but is looking for a bigger flat with you, who is playacting father of the year with the baby while ignoring you ... is gonna suddenly step up & start being a parent? Even though you know he will disappear & not see the baby if you lave him?
He won't do it OP.
Do NOT put him on the BC.
He sounds the type to muck you around for the sake of it, just to mess with your head & punish you.

he definitely wants to be in my daughters life

No he doesn't.
He has threatened to walk away from her if you move out.

He's a headfucker. You want to have a little contact as possible, surely?

I can't believe that people on here are actually telling you to put him on the birth certificate! He clearly does NOT have his child best interests at heart as

He thinks breast feeding is selfish
He bullies the kids mother
He's threatening to take the child away from the mother.

He is NOT a god dad.

Do NOT put him on the birth certificate. If you do, he automatically has equal parental rights. He can take your child and lock the door and you will have to take him to court to get her back. That can take weeks, even months. The police won't intervene as he has parental rights. BUT. If you leave him off the birth certificate, the police absolutely WILL see that your child is returned to you.

Being on the birth certificate doesn't affect his ability to be a dad. He doesn't even have to know until it's done. ITs a good test, if he wants to be a parent, if he wants to be on the birth certificate then he absolutely CAN be but it requires him to go to court. That's time and money. For HIM. Not you. You wouldn't even need legal representation so no idea why people are suggesting it would cost you money. Do you really think he would go through all that effort and expense? If the answer is no , if there is any doubt at all then 100% do not add him on the birth certificate. Retain all of the parental rights for yourself and sod him and his bullying abusive ways.

Absolutely don't take him to register the baby. He is vile and is using this child to control and bully you and he'll keep doing that for the next 18 years.

I'd get out asap, move and don't give him your address until he proves he can be respectful and actually co-parent. Meet him in public for him to see the baby.

Tell him if he behaves reasonably then you'll increase his contact accordingly.

Keep a record of all messages, calls etc

If he's serious, he'll go to court and if you're still worried you need evidence of his unreasonable behaviour.

Thank you so much for all your messages! I really appreciate the support and input as this has been eating me up for weeks now.

Interestingly during pregnancy my midwife noticed how he was speaking to me and put me under safeguarding. I didn’t even have to tell her but the medical staff recognised his ways from how he acted and the comments he’d make. He’s made me believe that all of this is my fault. Because I am ‘non compromising’ (eg keeping the baby and a few other examples from the past) I am apparently to blame for him acting out towards me and if I was better at falling in line we wouldn’t have a problem here.

He’s so good at manipulating and arguing that I am often left being the one to apologise or the one who’s being blamed. This is why I’ve been so nervous about the BC issue as I can imagine him manipulating the courts to get his own way.

But also I have a fear that my daughter will resent me in the future if I block him from accessing her as much as he wants to. He’d probably manipulate her too into thinking he’s a top man and that I weaponised her. He’s already making comments about me ‘weaponising’ our daughter.

We have just discussed us parting ways and moving separately ASAP and he’s reminding me that I’ll be the one who’ll suffer more as I will have to do all the work as her mum but he doesn’t have to and he’ll still be her dad.

I’m totally brainwashed by his crap but could I be deemed selfish for blocking him when he wants to see her? Like I said, his side of the family also want to be pretty active and I can only imagine how it’ll hit the fan if I don’t include him or his name on her BC..!

But also I have a fear that my daughter will resent me in the future if I block him from accessing her as much as he wants to.

Believe me, there is FAR more resentment in store for you if you play along with a man so desperately controlling that - from the context of one visit - your midwife put you under safeguarding FFS. Do you know how extreme & unusual that is?
Your DD does not need a controlling arsehole for a father.

Keep all contact as minimal as you can manage & learn how to Grey Rock. With luck you will become too boring for him to bother with & he will move on to a new source of Supply.
www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock

He’s made me believe that all of this is my fault. Because I am ‘non compromising’ (eg keeping the baby and a few other examples from the past) I am apparently to blame for him acting out towards me and if I was better at falling in line we wouldn’t have a problem here.
See also "if you didn't wind me up I wouldn't have to break your stuff"
"if you didn't argue back I wouldn't have to hit you"
"If you put out for me every night I wouldn't have to rape you."
This is a classic form of abuse that can be summed up with the DARVO acronym.
The longer it goes on, the more suffocated & disempowered the victim (you!) becomes.
www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/

Again - do NOT be pressured by his family, or him, or anyone to put him on the BC. He doesn't deserve to be there. Can you move far away, & hope he forgets about you?

If you aren't married, and aren't together, and he's a dick, then why would you give your daughter what is, as far as you're concerned, a random surname that happens to belong to a man you happened to conceive a child with?

When she is older, IF she has a good relationship with her father, then your daughter may choose to change her surname to his, or to include his family name/s somewhere. Her choice, based on her relationship with him and his family. he has no right to make you change your name, so why, considering how he's treating you, would you choose to include his name(s) in your daughter's?

I don't know about the costs involved with the birth certificate side of things, but surely the main cost would be to him, if he seeks to get himself added? I would try to find out about what the costs to you might be, but if minimal, then I'd not put him on there either. If he is bothered, he can make the effort. Also, when I registered my baby, my partner and I both had to be there as we weren't married - so if that's the case for you (we're in Scotland so may be different if you aren't) then you probably don't really want him there with you, potentially causing a scene about the names you're registering...

As he is her father he should be on the birth cert. I wouldnt give her his surname at all and I wouldn't even have a conversation with him about it.

Is there an impartial person that could do the visitations for you? The reality of having a child with a prick is that you are stuck with him for the foreseeable.

Limit your interactions to one form of communication, ie text or email, and keep it to the wellbeing or care of the child.

As he is her father he should be on the birth cert.

As he is so abusive that OP's midwife referred her to safeguarding after just one meeting with him - he should NOT be on the birth cert.

He did not want this baby & all he will do with the power conferred on him by being named on the BC is to continue to abuse OP with it.

Wow @KettrickenSmiled I’d never heard of DARVO or the grey rock technique before you shared it. Thank you so much. The messed up thing is that I read DARVO and am thinking that’s 100% him but if I sent it to him I’m positive he’d make me think that’s actually me that’s the perpetrator.

Yes the midwife got involved after staff witnessed his reaction when he realised I had gone to the first hospital appointment without him, then since she’s noted other examples of these. He now knows about her concerns (long story) and has turned that around on me, “you just be talking to them to give them that impression as it’s impossible got them to get it from just meeting me” “you are lying to them about me to try and get me out of LOs life” “I feel like you’ve set me up and betrayed me” so typically not taking accountability for his actions or trying to right his wrongs but blaming ME for his tendencies.

Looking back he was rarely on and mostly off throughout, using all sorts of techniques to break me down, as pay back for “changing the course of his life without his consent”.

Its tough because I’ve been thinking stay put and try to make things better as you don’t want a toxic relationship with your first born BD but ultimately I’m realising (much to your note too @KettrickenSmiled) that no matter WHAT I do it’s toxic as even the smallest things are twisted into me being a bad person and him being the victim.
I can’t even imagine his reaction at me not even giving LO his name in the double barrel format as that was the booby prize in his eyes.

I’m wondering actually, what usually happens when the man doesn’t want the baby and the woman won’t get an abortion? Does the man leave or try and stay and make it work? And if the latter I wonder if my story is a common one as the BD will be resentful.. he’s made me believe sometimes that he has an excuse to act up snd to have been such a bully towards me around the pregnancy and now the baby.

ultimately I’m realising that no matter WHAT I do it’s toxic as even the smallest things are twisted into me being a bad person and him being the victim.
That's it.
Look at how he tried to convince you that even the midwife - an experienced professional - must be wrong about him, because HE is the victim & you are perpetrating 'lies' about him.

I can’t even imagine his reaction at me not even giving LO his name in the double barrel format as that was the booby prize in his eyes.
Less focus on his reaction & more focus on your own actions its what's needed to counter this.
It's not his choice. He doesn't get to force his opinion on you, or to kick off about the name.

I’m wondering actually, what usually happens when the man doesn’t want the baby and the woman won’t get an abortion? Does the man leave or try and stay and make it work?
It depends. A decent man, even if he did not want the child, would respect your decision, & make his own choice of whether to stay with you, If he did not want to, he would at the very least pay toward the child he had fathered.

And if the latter I wonder if my story is a common one as the BD will be resentful.. he’s made me believe sometimes that he has an excuse to act up snd to have been such a bully towards me around the pregnancy and now the baby.
He has no such excuse.
If it were not the baby, he;d find another way of undermining you & putting you in the wrong.

Keep talking to your midwife.
Make contact with Womens Aid & take their advice. Let them know how your midwife immediately put you into safeguarding, They will advise you on everything you need to do to keep as minimal a level of contact with this highly manipulative & unpleasant man as possible.

I can only imagine those saying to put him on the birth certificate have only ever had dealings with decent men. Abusive men which he clearly is and has been recognised as such by your midwives will use their parental rights to manipulate and control your life. A man can abuse his child, he can be legally banned from seeing that child but he still has parental rights and can use those, forcing you to court because you want to move, decisions on schooling, medical decisions, if the child wants to change their name he can refuse to agree to it, he can force you to court for all manner of reasons.
He has shown himself to be abusive do not put him on the birth certificate.
People who say a child deserves to know who their father is are correct but they can know who their father is without giving an abusive man the legal right to control you and your child.

The problem is that not putting him on the birth certificate isn’t a magic wand to prevent any of that.

Him getting PR after the fact is a very easy process. Whilst many don’t bother, the OP is the only person who’ll be able to judge how likely he is to do that and if the potential escalation caused by not putting him on the BC is worth it or not.

I’d give your baby your surname otherwise you’ll have to take birth certificate with passport when you go overseas. When travelling with my son who was 7 he was asked at passport control who I was as we have different names. Luckily he said my mum!!! They said always travel with birth cert.

give baby one of his family names as a middle name and there is your compromise…. The 50/50 custody is a threat and a way of paying less maintenance so take no notice!

You both need to stop thinking what is best for you and him and only base your decision on what is best for your DD. It's not a controlling game.

Think of what your daughter would want? Having your name, her dad's or both? What would be best for her? Is it so bad that he goes out one evening after 6 weeks after she's asleep? Why don't you do the same?

Yes, he treated you bad during the pregnancy but if he thinks that you lied about protection and /or planned the pregnancy, it's understandable. Clear he was wrong in his behaviour and he should acknowledge this to you and apologise, but again, if he can now be a good dad for your DD, then it's a real blessing for her.

@vivainsomnia

Yes, he treated you bad during the pregnancy but if he thinks that you lied about protection and /or planned the pregnancy, it's understandable.

Understandable to treat her like this:

He was verbally and emotionally abusive towards me throughout the pregnancy but that doesn’t mean he will be with her.

To the extent that without her saying anything:

Interestingly during pregnancy my midwife noticed how he was speaking to me and put me under safeguarding. I didn’t even have to tell her but the medical staff recognised his ways from how he acted and the comments he’d make.

And considering he is now wanting OP not to continue breastfeeding only, so as not to 'dim his light:

I am BF her exclusively and funnily enough you ask, he’s been accusing me of trying to “dim his light” be wanting to do everything for her including BF. Keeps implying it’s selfish and I should get the bottle and pump out.

Fundamentally good men and good dads do not act this way. Because it isn't 'treating you bad', it's abuse.

Do you have any idea the threshold for a midwife requesting safeguarding for a mother who hasn't even told you about abuse? It would need to be of deep, deep concern and definite, undeniable abuse for a midwife to do this.

I’d be phoning woman’s aid and going to a refuge as he’s going to escalate and leave

do not tell him this just leave if you can safely. Please remember this DO NOT TELL HIM as this is when he is at his most dangerous as he’s losing control.

as your on a safeguarding report use this for all court visits if he goes this route for access as some do but soon get bored as it can be expensive and not all can actually afford it.

do you have family close by that can support you or has he charmed them also. Mind saying that any mother would come get her daughter and grandchild.

keep posting too as it does help.