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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Alcoholic Husband

29 replies

princessjonsie1967 · 25/08/2022 16:26

My husband has always liked a drink but in the last year he has gone from liking a drink to a bottle of jack Daniels a day . He has a good job and he can afford the habit but it makes him nasty and angry and dangerous . he always drinks at home and has been placing the bottles in the recycling at night so the neighbours don't know . he overheard my neighbour saying someone was an alcoholic and assumes it him . He is paranoid . He will start an argument with me on the drop of a hat . He is forgetful and I'm worried . We had made arrangements to meet his sister and family for a family weekend . Women being women we make the arrangements. She messaged and said it would only be her and the girls as her husband and boys had other things on . This resulted in him being paranoid that it was something else , he started ranting and raving about it and said he was cancelling. I said ok if you want to . I was thinking I was doing the right thing and not provoking an argument . he said he was going to wait until the last second to cancel but I said no as she was bring two children a long way for this . He then got it into his head that I had somehow sabotaged the weekend and it was my fault . I let him fall asleep but when he woke he acted as nothing had happened and he was going to the weekend. I felt awful as I hadn't slept a wink . I finally plucked up the courage to confront him and said it has to stop and it me and the drink . He has chosen the drink . I'm so sad that 18 years has come to this . Any advise on what to do next ? I'm done with it so staying and trying is not an option but I do still love him

OP posts:

JulyDreams · 25/08/2022 16:27

So sorry OP. I am following this if you don't mind as in a similar situation with an alcoholic father.

TobyEsterhase · 25/08/2022 16:31

Would strongly recommend going to Alanon meetings

Original poster

princessjonsie1967 · 25/08/2022 16:39

He wont go and get help as he said his only problem is me and my nagging him and blaming his drinking when its me that's the problem. If only I would get off his back then his life would be peachy . There are at least three bottles in the fridge as we speak . He changes the places he buys them as the local shop keeper grabs a bottle as soon as he walks in . He said he was taking the pee so wasn't spending his money in there anymore . How do you help a man who doesn't think its a problem ? He can give up for about 4 days before he starts again . He says he will stop and only drink on a Fri and Sat . Then he drinks the same amount as he would all week and becomes dangerous to me .

OP posts:

SallyWD · 25/08/2022 16:42

I lived with an alcoholic throughout my 20s. It's important to accept that there's nothing you can do. I tried everything but it's all down to them. I hope you can get support. Alcoholics anonymous helps partners and family too, doesn't it? I'd get in touch with them first of all. My life was so much better once I split up with my ex. Whilst I was with him I just felt, hopeless, frustrated, scared and unbearably sad. Everything felt much lighter once the relationship ended. I know how hard it is to walk away though and how you fear they'll just drink themselves to death. My ex is still alive and well 20 years later.

Original poster

princessjonsie1967 · 25/08/2022 16:43

Absolutely. We are n this together . Its heart-breaking watching someone you love destroy their life like this . To the outside world he is a loving family man, who dotes on his wife , hardworking , charming . That's not the man I know. I'm not sure which one is the act . All I want is the man the rest of the world sees . he doesn't speak to anyone else in this world like he speaks to me and I'm the one person who stands by him and makes his life bearable . I'm tired and old and cant go on anymore doing to . I'm always here to talk xx

OP posts:

Whiskeypowers · 25/08/2022 16:55

He is drinking a full 70cl bottle of whiskey a night?
is he driving the next day? He will be way over the limit

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/08/2022 17:00

But that is it, you are not in this together. You can only help your own self ultimately, not him. What are you getting out of this relationship?.

He was always going to choose the drink over you; that is what his primary relationship is with and has been with throughout. You have played the usual roles associated with such spouses; those of codependent partner, enabler and provoker (because you never forget). You are not responsible for him ultimately here, only your own self and you are also affected by his alcoholism.

Do consider attending Al-anon meetings and also whether you actually want to remain in this marriage. He may well have a good job, well for now anyway until he does not. His alcoholism is going to catch up with him big time if it is not already and you really do not want to be around when that happens. He could also go onto lose everything and everyone around him and still choose to drink afterwards. Your own recovery from his alcoholism will only properly start when you are apart from him. BTW did you grow up seeing a heavily drinking parent at home?.

theansweris42 · 25/08/2022 17:02

My alcoholic DH has been in recovery 5 months.
Life has improved massively.

It took a long time and him realising that he'd lose his family if he didn't stop.

He was on one of his apologising days and I suggested he ring a sober friend and he did.

That friend asked another guy to phone DH and that guy just said "I'll come now" and came and took him to an AA meeting. All this within about an hour.

He hept going to AA. He drank still for a few days more lightly and spoke with the people at the AA meetings and then he stopped.

So, is there someone to support him who has been through ? Alcoholics often feel helpless, scared and alone. But that first tiny step has to be from them, the admission (tacit or overt) that they could use aome help.

Whatever happens you must look after yourself and your interests. You can't fix this and it's not your fault.

You gave him a choice and he chose. What does this mean in practical terms? Are you thinking to prepare to leave?

mdh2020 · 25/08/2022 17:03

You didn’t cause it
You cant control it
You cant cure it

You need to leave him. if that doesn’t shock him into seeking help nothing will.
Going to Al Anon will give you some support.

I’m sorry you are going through this but you cant make someone stop drinking especially when they don’t think it’s a problem.

Dartmoorcheffy · 25/08/2022 17:08

I can only offer one suggestion. Leave him, or tell him to leave.

I was married to an abusive alcoholic for 13 long tiring years. He was a fun loving moderate drinker when we met. Or so I thought. But over the years a couple of drinks had turned into drinking a bottle of scotch, neat, every evening. He had a good job, and we could afford it, but it was hell. He was paranoid, bad tempered, embarassing, irrationaly jealous, and eventually it escalated into violence.

You cant change him. But you can change you.

Itstimetoquit · 25/08/2022 17:17

Leave him he won't change(not for you or the kids),he needs to want to change for himself,ive been in your position its awful,sending hugs xx

pointythings · 25/08/2022 17:56

You can't stay in this relationship, not with him drinking so very heavily and taking zero responsibility. Please talk to Al-Anon - they are for the relatives of alcoholics, not the alcoholics themselves. They will support you, help you deal with the guilt, teach you about setting boundaries and enable you to detach. Yo can't help him - only he can help himself. It's not clear to me whether you have do then you have all the more reason to get out of this relationship. You can only save them and yourself here.

OldFan · 25/08/2022 18:08

becomes dangerous to me

What happens at these times @princessjonsie1967 ?

Either way, you can't carry on in this situation.

Maytodecember · 25/08/2022 20:18

As you know, your DH has all the signs of alcoholism and possibly some signs of alcohol related damage. He needs to see his GP ASAP for blood tests at the very least. Encourage him to join AA.
You can contact Al Anon al-anon.org who support families.
You cannot cure him. He can only cure himself.

Maytodecember · 25/08/2022 20:24

“He says he will stop and only drink on a Fri and Sat . Then he drinks the same amount as he would all week and becomes dangerous to me .”

This will never work. Only stopping and never drinking again will work. ( I learnt a lot about alcoholism in 5 miserable years of marriage)

And if he’s dangerous leave or kick him out. He really could become violent,
murderous when drunk and have no recollection afterwards. Google alcohol related brain damage ( sorry, it’s scary, but you are at severe risk if he is violent)

Bubbles222 · 25/08/2022 22:19

I hope you manage to find the best solution for you, I understand and can relate to how you are feeling it is draining mentally and physically, I'm on the verge of leaving too, they don't want the help and "everyone is against them" or "nagging" then becoming abusive shouty and pushy and ruining the wife's soul in the process.
very typical drunk selfish behaviour / my husband tonight told me he would pick drink so says it all.. after all you do for them it will never be enough. The bottle always wins. Sad way to life our life's and I hope one day we all have a happy ending.

pointythings · 25/08/2022 22:46

@princessjonsie1967 and @Bubbles222 if you want help, we have a support thread running for people like you (and others) on the Alcohol Support board under Health - lots of advice and kind words from people who have been or still are where you are now.

Bubbles222 · 26/08/2022 10:37

@pointythings thank you that's really helpful x

Nostrings457 · 26/08/2022 10:43

So sorry you are going through this OP.

firstly it’s not uncommon for someone in addiction to not accept they have a problem

secondly, he is unlikely to change if he genuinely doesn’t think he has a problem

he sounds like he needs professional help, I would recommend finding your local community alcohol team and leave the details for his perusal.

lots of support available for you from different organisations if you have a google

Original poster

princessjonsie1967 · 30/08/2022 10:02

Yes a few bottle but no he doesn't drink as he work from home

OP posts:

Original poster

princessjonsie1967 · 30/08/2022 10:15

No I didn't grow up with alcohol. all of my family like a drink but know their limits

OP posts:

Original poster

princessjonsie1967 · 30/08/2022 10:24

Update . We sat down on Saturday and told him that I've made arrangements to move out . I said I will give two months notice to the landlord and move back in with my mum (now that's a depressing thought at my age). He said he doesn't want that and what does he have to do to stop it . I've said give up drinking completely. I said we will start with a small goal of one month . If he can give up totally for one month we will speak about it . I will stay in the house but if he drinks even one glass then I'm gone . He said he would give up Sunday . Sunday came and he said he forgot it was a bank holiday and he bought a bottle . I have withdrawn from him so no cuddles , kisses and I love you etc . He doesn't get that until he has been sober one month . Longest he has gone is 5 days . He drank the bottle on Sunday but wasn't abusive (which I think is worse as that means he has control over his behaviour). Monday he didn't drink at all . Told him I was proud of him and well done . He has to stay sober till the 29th September . Its going to be hard as his son is visiting in the middle of that and he drinks like a fish as well but he has to decide if his marriage is worth it .

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/08/2022 10:25

Your own recovery from his alcoholism will only properly start when you are apart from him. Until then you will continue to be on the merry go round. Alcoholism is also not known as the family disease without good reason either.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/08/2022 10:29

Am so sorry but now he is bargaining with you as he also senses his free ride with you is coming to an end.

You need to continue with your plan to move out and asap with it. You really do not want to be around this from him at all as this will harm you emotionally. Am not at all surprised to read that his son drinks heavily too; alcoholism also can be learnt behaviour.

He will continue to choose alcohol over you; that is what his primary relationship is with. Its not with you and its never been with you either.

TinyT27 · 22/11/2022 22:04

Similar situation but my dh admits he has a problem now, wants to stop but is really struggling to stay sober. My advice is to watch put the shovel down on YouTube, amber teaches the science and physiology of addiction. She is an addiction coach in America and teaches family how to react, how to motivate and not get up their defenses and how to grow change talk. I'm slightly addicted to watching her and have found it a massive help. No where near out of the woods yet but least it gives some direction. It's not always so easy to leave, sending a big hug xx

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