Is this bad? Can't tell if I'm overreacting but feel as though I'm married to someone who dislikes me.

[Flintstonell]

Such a minor thing but it has been building up for a while. I really feel as though my husband is fine with me until I am in need of help or something goes wrong. His instant reaction is to get annoyed at me or blame me for things but I never feel that way about him. For example, if we were to bump into each other, I would apologise and think it was just a silly accident but he would glare at me and possibly make an angry comment as though I did it on purpose or was the cause of it. It makes me feel quite shit to have my own husband always jump to the worst conclusions about me.

It seems such a non-event, but I am on holiday with husband and kids at the moment. I hurt my foot very mildly yesterday so I have a small bruise on my toe and a couple of grazes. We very rarely get to go out so we've been going to some evening entertainment. I put makeup and a dress on and made some effort. Halfway there I realised that the sandal I had on was really hurting my foot and had opened the cuts on my toe. The walk wasn't far so I kind of held onto the sandal with my toes and hobbled down but it took a while.

We got to the place and sat down. After a few minutes I asked whether he was going to go to the bar. He asked when I was going to go to the bar. So I explained that I couldn't really walk in my shoe and it was hurting. The bar was about 20 feet away so not a big ask. He then asked what my excuse was the night before. I'm not sure what he meant by that because we had walked to the bar together when we walked in and picked up drinks. My husband then wanted another a bit later (but I still had quite a bit of my drink left) so asked if I'd like another. I said yes but then regretted it later anyway and gave it to him. I didn't ask him to go to the bar or request another drink myself.

He refused to go to the bar because he had gone to the bar the previous evening. I thought he was joking but he wasn't. It was either I hobble over or go to the bar without my shoe on or no drinks at all. I mean, my foot wasn't horrifically injured and I would obviously be able to walk about if I needed to, but it made sense to me for the person who wasn't in pain to do it. We just sat there without drinks for about five minutes and then I left. I am so upset. I feel so humiliated that I got all dressed up and tried to make effort to look nice only for him to sit there and refuse to do something so small to make some kind of weird point. I wouldn't think anything of doing that the other way round. I wouldn't have been keeping score. He acted as though I was overreacting by leaving on the way back. I asked whether we were just going to sit there all night in silence without drinks and he said no, obviously he would have bought drinks. But he didn't say that or respond to anything I said. I know that he now won't bring this up and if I want any kind of resolution I will have to sort it all. He'll ignore me for a while and then try to pretend it never happened.

I am feeling really sorry for myself that I'm married to someone who is so petty towards me about something so tiny. I couldn't imagine him treating anybody else like that. I don't know if I'm explaining it very well but it feels as though I always give him the benefit of the doubt and generally think positively about him but he will always jump to a negative assumption about me given the chance. I feel really sad.

OP - Was he really annoyed because you didn’t go to the bar or was he annoyed because you made an effort and glammed up to go out in public? Either way, it sounds as though he was purposely being awkward to cause a rift on this night. I know it all too well and it can leave you feeling so confused. Perhaps start journaling the good and the bad to help give you a clear insight of what’s going.

There are two sides to every story and we tend to judge other people by our own standards. OP, as you raised the theory of 'one-up manship' is it possible that this could be coming from you? I give being able to immediately reel off a ton of examples where you weren't happy with his reactions as an example. You sound like hard work and I would have been annoyed with you making such a fuss over a minor foot injury, are you a bit of a drama rama generally? Maybe he's unhappy, he certainly sounds it.

You have two choices, drop your defences and communicate and work on things together or end it.

I’m kinder to the fly that was trying to get out of the kitchen earlier than your husband is to you

He’s not even hitting a basic basic low level of kindness or care

Your husband doesn't actually like you op. Sorry to be blunt but you're ok for him as long as you shut up and get on with everything, the minute you need help or an element of compassion from him his true feelings show. Sadly I think there are lots of men around who will remain married to women that they don't actually like, they will have sex with and have kids with them but show them utter contempt or indifference when the women needs support.

@Flintstonell
Personally - I don’t think he doesn’t like you, I think there are a few things going on.
I do think there are resentments on both sides that have accumulated - as they often do in longish marriages.

Some of the resentments are from your differences as people.
Some - seem to me from what you say about his avoidance of eye contact and withdrawal from verbal arguments with you; and the way he processes emotionally challenging situations - may be a sign that he has some issues with social interactions, which I don’t think he can change. Maybe learn to control/moderate - but not change.

The level of resentment it appears has reached the point where the two of you can’t deal with it without the relationship becoming dysfunctional. He isn’t able to vocalise/explain on the spot - (eg what happened at the drinks). You reached the point where you react in not such a great way either - walking out of a concert you made an effort to is not great either. I hope you see that too, OP. (Plus - it’s clear it was a battle of sorts - since you were able to walk all the way home - you could also have gotten a drink, at least for yourself and still enjoy the evening)

Can it be fixed? If both of you want to - I think you will benefit from some counselling. And both of you would need to make an effort and listed to the other’s side. It does take two. And in addition - it does take understanding and accepting the way you both are built.

Alternatively - if you are too tired and don’t want to work on it - you can of course divorce.

He's awful op,get rid of him x

I kind of see both sides tbh.

You obviously don't mean to get hurt or be clumsy or whatever it is, but does it happen a lot?

My DP I'd constantly getting injured and while I have sympathy it means I often end up having to constantly cater to it. He hurts his back so I have to do anything that's picking things up, doing the bins, clearing up after the dog etc. He hurts his shoulder so I have to do all the heavy lifting (we live on third floor) and hanging out laundry etc.

It can be really annoying as you just want to shout 'be bloody careful then or im going to have to do everything again!'

It amazes me the number of people who are irritated by their partners hurting themselves. Is that not just being a bit self centred at best and unkind at worst? I genuinely don't get it. I remember a friend once complaining about how she had to carry her partner's suitcase through the airport because he'd broken his shoulder. I was just dumbstruck. Unsurprisingly they are no longer together. Genuinely do not understand people like this?

What is your own definition of abuse if not his treatment of you now?. Abusers can be "nice" sometimes but their nice/nasty cycle is a continuous one. Abuse too is not about communication or a perceived lack of; its about power and control. He does this too because he can. Their image of "kindly family man" is one they wish to show to outsiders; that may well have been the case when you were in hospital.

You have children; would you want them to be in a relationship like this and if not why not?. You have a choice too re this man, they do not. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?.

Like I said. It depends on if they hurt themselves all the time leaving you to have to carry the load all the time. It gets wearing as you start to think whether they can't just be more careful.

Plus - it’s clear it was a battle of sorts - since you were able to walk all the way home - you could also have gotten a drink

@MMmomDD She could walk home because she had to, it doesn't mean she was comfortable. But most men (or most people) would go up to the bar if their partner had just walked quite a way with a foot injury- or even if they had an injury at all, just because it's a nice thing to do for the person.

@Flintstonell He doesn't act like he's on your team, quite the opposite.

@MMmomDD

Plus - it’s clear it was a battle of sorts - since you were able to walk all the way home - you could also have gotten a drink

If your partner had injured their foot and was in pain so didn't want to do any unnecessary walking (like to the bar and back from their seat rather than the necessary walk home) you'd think they were engaging in a battle of wills by not doing something painful just because you had asked them to? When you wouldn't find it painful to nip the bar yourself?

Gosh.

OP you say you feel sad and I can actually feel the sadness in your post, especially the bit where you got all dressed up to go out with him and he didn't even buy you a drink.

Did he tell you you looked nice?

I'm inclined to agree with the others. He doesn't seem to like you very much.

I get possibly being irritated if your partner being injured is constantly putting a lot of work on you.

But this is a man who was asked to go to the bar to get a bloody drink for his wife who had open sores on her feet.

I mean FFS. The nasty prick.

Thanks for the replies, lots to think about. I don't think he is abusive, just becoming quite grumpy, impatient and short tempered and I think I bear the brunt of it. I don't hurt myself a lot or get ill very often and neither does he so I wouldn't usually physically rely on him. He does have a tendency to not believe me if I say I am in pain or ill though, until he gets the illness and then realises I wasn't making the whole thing up. I do find that my husband assuming that I would lie about those things to be really upsetting because I'm not a liar and I've never given him any reason to think I am. It makes me wonder why he thinks these negative things of me.

We did talk about it yesterday and it was ok. I've mentioned previously that I sometimes think we could benefit from some relationship counselling because he doesn't communicate very well and I can't solve every problem by myself. He laughed and said that he can hardly talk to me so he's not going to talk to a stranger. To be fair to him, he has improved over time and does try to take on board things I say. I think the fact that our youngest son is just like him and will sit there as though you're not even talking if he doesn't want to answer has made him realise how frustrating that is for me because he doesn't like being on the receiving end of it either.

He said that the bar comment was a joke and he didn't expect me to react that way. I don't think it was a joke because he didn't act as though it was a joke and he carried on along that train of thought for a while. My reaction was pretty immediate and probably surprised him because there have been a few incidents this week alone and it's been building up. I've been pushing it down and trying to keep things nice for the kids and telling myself that it's not a big deal but that felt like the final straw. He said that the fact that I can reel off these incidents is evidence of me also 'point scoring' and he can list times that he's been annoyed at me. But I'm not talking about being annoyed, I'm telling him that i feel like he dislikes me and takes any opportunity to think badly of me which is a huge problem compared to finding some things annoying. I'm sure we both annoy each other because we're married.

I do realise now that the way he treated me throughout my pregnancy was pretty shocking. I think he was very wrapped up in his mum's illness and didn't consider me much. There were a couple of incidents where I pushed myself too much because his reaction to my 'weakness' was causing such a knot in my stomach. Not that I was frightened of him, but just dreading dealing with the atmosphere. He didn't seem to believe that pregnancy might make me more tired or struggle more physically but easily believed that for other women. One of them happened in public and I remember that some strangers asked me if I was ok and brought some water over to me so they must have thought it wasn't right.

I did remind him of all of these incidents yesterday and said that I just feel that I can't rely on him when things aren't so great. He was quite shocked at being reminded of a couple of things that have happened and acknowledged that he wouldn't think it was ok if someone he knew was being treated or spoken to that way by her husband. He gave me a proper apology and said that it isn't that he doesn't like me or care about me but he does see that he's becoming very grumpy and short tempered and taking it out on me. He said he's going to make a concerted effort to not be an arsehole because it's not ok. I realised this week that twice I've kind of primed the kids on how to behave because I felt so stressed about his mood and the atmosphere that was going to come. That's not right. He was shocked but understood what I meant because he was being very grumpy.

There were some silly things like often walking about 10 feet ahead of me which make me feel like he's annoyed that I can't keep up. But we're walking at exactly the same speed. If I lag behind a bit because I need to adjust what I'm carrying or tie a shoelace or something, he will stop until I get 10 feet away again and then start walking. It makes me feel worried that he's going to get annoyed at me for being slow and I need to rush to catch up. Its something he did to me a lot when I was pregnant but with sighing and huffing because he seemed to think I was exaggerating?! He said he hadn't even noticed that he does it and he didn't mean anything by it, which I do think is true. He said that he would find it odd if I was regularly doing that and can see why I've interpreted it the way I have. I do believe that it is probably unintentional because he was doing it the day of the argument and he wasn't actually annoyed when I 'caught up'. He's asked me to just tell him if he's doing it and doesn't notice himself. I know that seems like something so silly and minor but it all feeds into this idea that he's constantly annoyed by me.

I feel better after our conversation and will see how things go.

That's awful. He sounds horrible and yanbu.

I think you need to pull him up on it each and every time. Don’t hide from it, in case it sets him off. Either he shapes up or it will reach a point where you don’t want to continue, sooner than it would probably limp to by ignoring stuff.

It sounds like he doesn’t like you. But it also sounds like you like him very much either.

Marriage when you don’t like each other is torture.

You need to sort things out. Your dcs are already being affected and learning toxic behaviour.