Thanks for the replies. I don't think I've given quite the full picture - I definitely did say something there and then. I immediately responded quite angrily and brought up a load of other times he's acted like an arse and that's it not ok. He didn't respond. I think he was probably surprised by the strength of my reaction because it was over something so silly. But it wasn't about the bar, it was about him acting as though I'm trying to get one over on him and realising that we don't see each other in the same way. He did say that he'd asked if I wanted to go back and change my shoes on the way down and I'd said no so he thought I must be fine. I said no because we were halfway there and it seemed silly to go all the way back up the hill when i wouldn't be walking around much. Maybe I should have just changed my shoe and it does seem like I was fine until expected to do something? But I can't believe he thinks it was part of some grand plan where I take the shoe rubbing me (or I'm making the whole thing up) just so that I can get out of going to the bar. Why would he think I am that calculating and why would he have married me if he thinks that I'm a calculating person?
I think maybe he was getting at the idea that he's always the one to go and order. There could be some truth to that I suppose, and maybe he finds it a bit uncomfortable? We rarely go out so it's not something I've really thought about. And if that is the case, why not just bring it up at some other point instead of acting like that? Why wait until I'm hobbling in my shoe to decide that the bar visiting ratio needs sorting?
He isn't the best communicator and I am much better than him at arguing my point so I think he thinks 'what's the point'. I am mindful of the fact that I could technically win an argument whilst being in the wrong just because he struggles to articulate his thoughts. But I don't think he had a leg to stand on anyway. He is usually great and has many brilliant qualities but his worst ones are definitely being a bit grumpy/stubborn/passive aggressive. He particularly struggles to make eye contact with me or respond when things are heightened. I don't understand it and find it frustrating. Sometimes I've stood there and waited for a response that never comes. I don't know what would happen if I didn't try to sort things out. It'd all get swept under the rug and resentment would build.
He was absolutely terrified when I was in labour. White as a sheet. I had told him that he'd need to advocate for me and need him on my side but I don't think he felt capable. I'm definitely the 'strong' one in the relationship. I sort everything out and make things ok and do all of the emotional heavy lifting. And he more than pulls his weight in other ways, but I worry that things will fall apart if I'm ever not ok. I don't think this has anything to do with his parents - his relationship with his mum was great. She died while I was pregnant so the whole time was very hard for him. I was the one to be strong and cope with everything even though I had a really tough pregnancy but I think that's understandable given the situation. His parents were divorced but I don't think either of them treated the other like this. It seems to be just me.
A couple of years ago I suddenly developed severe anxiety over a specific topic. I couldn't eat, could barely function etc. I feel as though I dealt with it on my own and with the help of my parents. He just seemed annoyed at me. I didn't expect him to be my therapist but i don't feel that there was any emotional support there whatsoever. He would probably say that he picked up the slack around the house and with the kids, and he did, but there was such an atmosphere and I could just sense how angry he was at me for causing this problem. I was trying but really struggling. I contacted the gp and was taking beta blockers and anxiety medication, I got on the waiting list for therapy etc. Then my parents paid for me to find a private therapist immediately because I was struggling so much. So I was definitely trying to help myself, it's not as though I was leaning on him too much. But I remember one night when I was having what I think was a panic attack. I was rocking backwards and forwards hyperventilating and trying not to pass out. Felt like I was going to die. I was trying to talk to him and he was sitting there looking at his phone as though he wouldn't give me the satisfaction of giving me attention. I felt so terrified and at one point I said "please, please help me" and he finally looked at me with contempt on his face and said "do you realise how fucking ridiculous you look right now". It was the only thing he'd said to me while I'd been getting more and more panicked. I couldn't have been that cold to a stranger, let alone the person I'm married to. I've got a bit upset just thinking about that. I don't understand it and I'd never have treated him like that.
I couldn't really deal with it all at the same time as trying to deal with the anxiety so we didn't properly have it out or anything. I think he has apologised since, but only because I've prompted it. But I've never forgotten it because it's not like something mean you say in the heat of an argument. It was cold and uncaring. But maybe I shouldn't bring it up if it's officially been dealt with and talked about. He has since said that he was so worried about me he was struggling to eat himself, but he never vocalised that. I just felt annoyance more than anything. He said that there was no point in him saying anything because every time he tried to tell me everything would be ok or tried to calm my anxiety, I'd counter it, which is probably true. But I didn't want him to fix the problem, I wanted to feel like he had my back and cared about me.
On the other hand, I had a cancer scare during one of the lockdowns and he couldn't have been more supportive. It took me by surprise. I felt really well looked after and he's never been like that with me before. I was referred on the two week wait and had every symptom of a specific cancer. I was so scared and worried and convinced that I had cancer. I also had to have an intimate examination by a male doctor which I found traumatic and was getting quite worked up about. He spent lots of time talking to me and never left my side. He soothed me and tried to keep me positive and cheered up because I kept spiralling. He took over everything with the kids cos I kept getting upset. He completely had my back and I really felt like I could rely on him.
I don't know, I'm getting muddled. Perhaps I'm linking loads of different things which aren't linked and it is just a silly spat over visiting the bar. He's definitely not abusive but I think quite bad at dealing with things.