Help me to shed this narcissist for once and all

[brokenfan]

I was ghosted a while ago by my fiancé who had started a relationship with someone famous. Against all of the advice MNers very kindly and firmly gave me, I didn't block him. In fact, when the relationship inevitably ended because of COVID and the long distances and the fact they had only met each other twice... we rekindled things and whilst I wouldn't say we were on the cusp of getting engaged again, we saw each other every week and spoke every night.

The wiser ones amongst you will spot what's coming next.

I got a message from him a few months ago saying "the story in the [tabloid] is rubbish", of course I looked up the story in the tabloid and he had met another famous woman (who happens to be incredibly wealthy - private jet wealthy)!! He's famous in a niche way and mostly in the US so moves in these circles a bit.

I asked him if it was true and he denied it strongly until this woman started posting cryptic stories on insta which showed the two of them but you would only know that if you knew him (clothes, locations etc), I showed him this and he admitted they were in a relationship but it "wasn't very old". Meanwhile, she's wearing a wedding ring. Whatever.

Now he is very very firmly blocked on all means of communications and I have about £1k's worth of "stuff" on eBay that is related to him and have filled a bin bag of the less worthy stuff (the t-shirts of his I used to wear to bed etc). Photos/emails/messages have been purged and double deleted.

There is no way of him contacting me now to draw me back in

I cannot stop fucking thinking about him - every now and then someone will reblog/share something that just makes me die inside. I miss him and I don't know why.

I try very hard not to look at the new woman's stories etc but when I catch myself doing it (anonymously), she's always posting another cryptic clue - like the view out of the flat window where I used to live with him. It feels like she's doing it deliberately...

Friends tell me he is a narcissist and after doing loads of reading and podcast listening, he absolutely fits the bill.

Constantly needing validation.
No empathy.
Immense self of entitlement and "better than everyone else"
Complete fabrication of things he's been told and offered only for them to be shite.

That sort of stuff.

How on earth do I train myself to get over this stuff. I would just like to wake up and my first thought not be about him.

Sorry for not listening to you last time, boy oh boy do I wish I had. As a very dear friend said to me "you were just keeping his dick warm for him" and I feel really stupid.

Allow yourself time to process what happened to you.

seems like you had a very strong love for him. That’s ok too

im proud of you for not wanting him back - this alone tells me you will get over him

do be v careful in the future though with your choice of partner

This story kind of rings a bell - did she post the pic herself and he put out a denial saying they were just friends ??

Time, time and more time.

Have you looked into trauma bonds? There’s loads of great stuff on YouTube about those and getting over a narcissist.

No contact is key, DO NOT LET HIM BACK IN.

A pic of them kissing, yeah. This one broke in a newspaper. Massive facepalm.

@YoSofi thank you so much. He's definitely not getting back in. There is no way I can think of that he could.

If time really is the answer then I feel like I can cope a bit? I'm treating it like a hangover- it gets better every minute as long as you don't start drinking again. It might not feel like it but at some point it's completely gone.

Will look up trauma bonds, thank you.

I’m right in the thick of it too so you’re not alone.

what do you like doing? Any new things you want to try?

I think you’re right, it’s like a bad hangover that will ease bit by bit. I hope anyway!

Oh - the first one was ghosted then pic of kissing. Never any explanation or denial etc, then they got engaged, anyway - he was clearly missing something because he kept contacting me and I was stupid, lonely, alone and in lockdown so - her I am.

This one was "don't believe the story in the paper" which I wouldn't even have seen if he hadn't told me about.

@YoSofi I am trying to sign up for a language class, umm the gym although I seem to be utterly exhausted this week so really struggling. I'm trying to be kind to myself, eat and drink properly and get some fresh air. Simple stuff.

I had a toxic ex and our relationship ended 10+ years ago. He pops up every now and again on LinkedIn asking how I am. That's how fucking toxic he is, we had a terrible break up and he never apologised for the way he treated me.

You have to do what you can to move past it, you'll get through it. I'd just block them both on everything you can to help stop yourself from seeing any content from them.

Good luck!

That’s a good idea.

One step at a time, but just know you deserve better. He will be in contact again at some point, but stay strong!

That’s the issue with social media - my friend is in the same boat minus the private jet - but not still hurts.

Ultimately he didn’t love you enough to stay - and it will be his loss, he appears to have the knack of saying what he thinks you want to hear and it’s all meaningless.

Do you work? Hobbies? Friends? a family? Start talking and they’ll keep you on the right track.

Thank you for your replies, it's rubbish to know other people feel like this.

I was just looking up trauma bonds and this site seems good about taking baby steps. www.goodtherapy.org/blog/10-steps-to-recovering-from-toxic-trauma-bond-0110175

@Threelittlelambs i gave everything up for this man and it's proving tricky to recapture it. I have no family nearby either. I'm trying to set myself small goals each day to keep me occupied.

You really do need to ride it out and distract yourself however you can x

Checking in for the morning crew to see what distraction techniques are recommended..?

Do you have work today?

There are some really good Yoga videos on YouTube if that’s your thing?

What could you make for tea this evening? Is there a film or box set you’ve been meaning to watch?

Yes I work full time. Tbh, it's the margins that are the worst. After 9pm etc, try to concentrate on reading etc but my mind just drifts.

Yoga is a good idea. I have been planning on doing some, I just neeed to build my concentration span I think.

First off, good on you for blocking!

I think just try to be kind to yourself op. It's OK to miss him, it's OK to be sad. But ultimately, you had to call time on it. You had to choose you. You did what needed to be done and you should feel really proud of yourself for making such strong choices. You've got this. You've already done the hard part.

Yoga might be a little too quiet minded of an activity maybe? Think I'd rather binge some comedy on netflix. Or maybe go for a run if you find exercise helps.

Just seen as things are all pretty raw rn.

It's interesting when they keep getting back in touch.
It's almost as if they had a good experience with us, but we didn't have a good experience with them.

Haha yeah pp xD it's always like 'hey! How are you?' as if you're this old fond acquaintance that thry havent seen in ages. Well, when they pop up out of nowhere after a long time anyway.

If it's not been long though... then it'll be 'are u OK?' (Implying there's something wrong with you for blocking them). Or some sob story to real u in, like their cat has died. Or you 'owing an explanation in person' for why you don't want to see them anymore.

I think you have to actively seek out the painful memories, like waggling a sore tooth. Have a good image ready to replace it with.
So when 9pm comes and you drift into thinking about him, picture the photo of them together to pour cold water on your memories, then replace that sad feeling with an image of you doing something brilliant- either something you did in the past or something you want to do.

You have to actively divert your thoughts from dreaming about him to dreaming about something good instead.

I miss him and I don't know why

Because you feel he was providing something for you that you ought to be providing for yourself. Probably validation, which is ironic because you're criticising him for constantly needing that. That sounds like a dig and it's not; it's weird what narcissists do to our brains... they make us feel like narcissists for becoming obsessed with our own trains of thought (about them!)

When you miss him, what do you miss? His arms around you? The laughs? The conversation? Try to narrow it down a bit. You can use the time thinking about him in a way that's useful to you, then. Once you've narrowed it down, you can work out how to provide it for yourself.

You sound fab, OP. Don’t beat yourself up for having given him a second chance - it’s just great to hear you’re not giving him a third chance.

I read somewhere - if broken hearts didn’t heal, the whole world would be permanently grieving. Time really is the best healer and it’s reasonably linear but not entirely - the day will come when he’s not your first thought on waking but then you’ll find he is your first thought occasionally after that. But the overall trend will be towards him mattering less and less until he really doesn’t matter at all. You were engaged so this will take a while but you will get there.

In the meantime, focus on things which you enjoy doing and on treating yourself.

Freedom Programme. I did it twice through womens aid who are also amazing at support generally to help you through this.

It wa the only way I freed myself and it didn't work first time!

@nugg I can buy it online for £12 but I can't find one in my area. I think I might buy it.