Help me to shed this narcissist for once and all

[brokenfan]

I was ghosted a while ago by my fiancé who had started a relationship with someone famous. Against all of the advice MNers very kindly and firmly gave me, I didn't block him. In fact, when the relationship inevitably ended because of COVID and the long distances and the fact they had only met each other twice... we rekindled things and whilst I wouldn't say we were on the cusp of getting engaged again, we saw each other every week and spoke every night.

The wiser ones amongst you will spot what's coming next.

I got a message from him a few months ago saying "the story in the [tabloid] is rubbish", of course I looked up the story in the tabloid and he had met another famous woman (who happens to be incredibly wealthy - private jet wealthy)!! He's famous in a niche way and mostly in the US so moves in these circles a bit.

I asked him if it was true and he denied it strongly until this woman started posting cryptic stories on insta which showed the two of them but you would only know that if you knew him (clothes, locations etc), I showed him this and he admitted they were in a relationship but it "wasn't very old". Meanwhile, she's wearing a wedding ring. Whatever.

Now he is very very firmly blocked on all means of communications and I have about £1k's worth of "stuff" on eBay that is related to him and have filled a bin bag of the less worthy stuff (the t-shirts of his I used to wear to bed etc). Photos/emails/messages have been purged and double deleted.

There is no way of him contacting me now to draw me back in

I cannot stop fucking thinking about him - every now and then someone will reblog/share something that just makes me die inside. I miss him and I don't know why.

I try very hard not to look at the new woman's stories etc but when I catch myself doing it (anonymously), she's always posting another cryptic clue - like the view out of the flat window where I used to live with him. It feels like she's doing it deliberately...

Friends tell me he is a narcissist and after doing loads of reading and podcast listening, he absolutely fits the bill.

Constantly needing validation.
No empathy.
Immense self of entitlement and "better than everyone else"
Complete fabrication of things he's been told and offered only for them to be shite.

That sort of stuff.

How on earth do I train myself to get over this stuff. I would just like to wake up and my first thought not be about him.

Sorry for not listening to you last time, boy oh boy do I wish I had. As a very dear friend said to me "you were just keeping his dick warm for him" and I feel really stupid.

@brokenfan you don't need to pay, some areas will do online sessions. Womens aid website may be able to help

I hear you, OP. It tooks me a long time to get the fucker out of my head. A lot of keeping myself very busy, seeing other people (workwise/socially not romantically), starting new projects, counselling. He still comes into my head but I'm calm when he does, he just comes in and I show him the door, silently. Then he's gone.

And willpower and blocking anyone who might tell me news. No matter what I was hearing about him, good or bad, only did me bad, so I just don't want to know anything.

You miss the man you thought he was, the real him was the little shit you're glad to be rid of

@VanillaParkersBowl i wonder if it would be useful to do a "yes but". Like write it down when I think of a good memory then counter it with the silent treatment or whatever that came after it? Not sure if that would do more harm than good. I just feel so sad today.

fucking wish wish wish I'd listened to you awful vipers a few years ago.

You could certainly try a 'yes but' list. I wrote down loads of things that came into my head in the early months, very angry written rants. I think it does it good to get it out.

Try not to dwell on regretting leaving it so long (although I'm exactly that same, I put up with so much for so long not wanting to be 'that' wife who stopped him doing whatever he wanted - what a mug).

Maybe when you have a negative thought, try and think of something positive too - a sweet kitten or puppy, a scented flower (it's very good to get outside and look for calming moments in nature), a glorious sunset.

Do keep posting, it'll help you to see how you're progressing

In good news... I have already sold £300 worth of his lovebombing gifts on eBay with about another £300 listed.

I have a box of letters and cards which I think is going to be burnt in my fire pit this weekend.

I didn't expect this to lighten the load so much but it is working. It's just the thoughts I need to get on top of- a nice smell is a great idea as a friend has just sent me some beautiful soap that I can keep to hand.

Every tiny step is progress, broken (BTW, you'll need to change your username very soon 😉).

I'll probably forget to name change and show my laundry to everyone. Maybe I could be the second woman in his life to make it into The daily Mail this year.

@brokenfan

From my experience with a narcissist:

Very intelligent, highly educated, attractive, gets frequent newspaper mentions as he is pretty top of the field in his job.

Red flags everywhere - used to blow up horribly in arguments/out of the blue. I was one of a hareem of women - told me he’d slept with 4 different women, 4 nights in a row - but I was ‘the best’. Told me he needed to be on a pedestal. Used to rudely stare into space/ignore me if I spoke too long on a subject.

But I was drawn in by his status - it was toxic, I used to check my phone constantly for contact from him. I thought everyone would be impressed if I got together with such a ‘great’ man.

Then I met DP who is decent. Really decent, and the polar opposite of the narcissist. 15 years later and I have two children, and a nice simple life.

Narcissist had several failed relationships, and continued to contact me after each one ended. He was not happy, and I took great pleasure in brushing him off.

Its fakery, self adulation, a lack of empathy for others and this is not the recipe for a happy life. And social media just promotes this. Really feel for my DD who is 11 and is growing up in this celebrity culture.

@EmEllGee absolute role model. How did you stop thinking about narcissist...

@brokenfan

Narcissist came along when I was at a complete crossroads in my life. Lots of partying, indulgence, uncertainty. The intensity of feelings I don’t think I’ve ever experienced, and I think a lot of that was brought on by being played, or wanting to be good enough - better than the other women he was also dating.

Think I needed to address what I wanted from life - which was children. Someone said to me I need ‘a Dad not a lad’ - and DP was not the typical guy I’d been going for. But after a few dates, I could 100% see what a thoroughly nice person he is. He was someone I could introduce to my family and they would all get on with him. Being a good parent requires such a huge amount of empathy for others, and a relationship with the narcissist would have been a nightmare.

He contacted me a few times - always testing the water. The last I heard he’d had a son, but his partner was leaving him because of arguments.

It took a long time to get over him. But I think the biggest step was deciding what I wanted to do with my life, some determination, questioning myself, my choices - and finding someone who is not so absorbed in himself that he is able to give to others.

I'm going outside to burn this box of letters. Im making this post for accountability- I thought I'd always keep them as proof of our relationship but they are a millstone.

I think it's worth considering how much of an addiction state you've been in. The big highs in the relationship are great, and a narcissist knows how to deliver them. But the lows are awful and you crave the beginning again. Then you're stuck in a cycle - putting up with their truly shitty behaviour to get back to the big highs.

When you break away, there's a part of you who is deeply grieving for those good moments, that possibility. That part isn't super rational and just wants you to go back to get more of the good stuff. It doesn't realise that it's all inextricably linked to the truly awful stuff.

Finding a way to acknowledge that grief and to soothe it is what you're already doing. Keep on and time will help massively.

@Madamswearsalot thats a really fascinating explanation, thank you.

it's also made me realise that, towards the end, an unsolicited WhatsApp message qualified as a high. He must have known that and exploited it so well.

Self respect obviously took a hit! But I will reclaim it.

I'm listening to Caroline Strawson's podcasts and the whole thing, along with what you've explained there is just falling into place.

This is mildly cringe but... exwhoisnowfamous gave me loads of trinkets and equipment related to our industry, I've made nearly £600 so far selling it on eBay, promoting it on my Instagram page- loads of people who follow me absolutely fanboy over him so I figured... I sell it- they know who it belonged to- I book a holiday.

Also, it's helping me purge him from my stuff. So, everyone's a winner- except him who now has no money, no job, and no prospects of getting his coveted US visa.

@brokenfan that sounds like a very sensible and beneficial way of shedding many of the reminders. Hope it gets you a fabulous holiday that supports the recovery.