Long one here and I’m not sure what I’m even asking at this point but I just need to put my feelings somewhere and I don’t want to involve family and friends as it’s so sensitive.
had a massive blow up argument with my husband. Luckily kids were out for the day with grandparents.
my husband said some super hurtful things it stings badly. Back storey it I have anxiety and atm it’s at its highest for a long time. My confidence and self esteem is rock bottom and I feel pretty useless. I’ve been proactive and reached out and now I’m on a waiting list for cbt to combat the anxiety.
The argument started about jobs around the house as usual but then turned personal like really really personal.
my husband started saying things about our sex life or lack of. Now I know we don’t often atm it’s been for a few months if honest it’s only a few times a month atm but I’m struggling to see myself in that way and we’d spoke about that and he seemed to be super supportive. But today he threw it in my face.
he told me he’d rather F a corpse than me as it’d have more life. That I’m shit at everything I do in bed even when I do do it. He even made a reference to my wonky breast. ( something I’ve always said 1 is slightly less pert than the other hes always told me it isn’t and I’m being too picky on myself ) but today he made a reference to that and it hurt pretty bad.
said he’d probably he happier with someone else as he’d actually be getting it. That I never initiate it and that makes me lazy. And that I should want it and I should be more sexy. And a whole lot more ….
we’ve been together 15 years always been active sexually except right now and when my son was born and was in hospital for the first 6 months of life. He did commet at that time that it was “ my duty “ to preform as a wife. Which he quickly retracted as I think he realised how awful he sounded. But it’s always stuck with me.
Let me mention he had to take viagra at the beginning of the year as he started medication that effected his ability which has now resolved but then he would tell me I’m sexy and attractive and he can’t get enough of me when I beat myself up about it.
He told me today that 4 times a week should be a minimum that normal women want it that amount or more. But I know for a fact my friends don’t!! Which I threw a comment to him about maybe a would if he didn’t have a limp dick ( not proud of myself but I’d had enough at that point )
im struggling to not hate myself right now. I feel dirty and a fool. We had sex this morning a good few hours before all this so it just really caught me off guard! As he at the time said he enjoyed it and all the usual stuff / faces etc but I’m I really that pathetic and stupid I just don’t know.
the argument got bad I admit I was wrong he was stood in front of me and when he was saying about my breasts I pushed him away he then pushed my back and there was a too and Fri of that before I broke down crying to which he said in a mocking tone oh are you going to have a panic attack ? Are you going to get your palpitations?? Yeah?? Having a panic are we??
I walked away. And it hurts bad. Since that point he’s acted normal with me and said what he said to hurt me. He was lashing out. Said he does want it more and normal women do want it. Hasn’t said sorry for it all tho.
I hurt so bad. And I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do going forward. The thought of being intimate ever with him makes my skin crawl now.
what do I do now??