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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My in laws are driving me insane.

49 replies

Inlawsdrivemeinsane · 24/08/2022 21:37

I'm really slowly loosing the will to live with my in laws.

As it stands, me and DH are the only ones who live near MIL. We help take care of certain things she struggles with. She's not elderly but sometimes plays on what she can/can't do.
DH has two sisters. Can be difficult at times.

SIL1 fell out with everyone because she would say SIL2 was the golden child. No hidden backstory to this. No contact with this SIL.

SIL2 doesn't live anywhere near us. She's aware that we help look after MIL so she doesn't have to uproot her whole life. Got on well with SIL2 the whole time I've known her... or so I thought.

When SIL2 last visited she apparently made comments to MIL. Saying my house was dirty and my nephew didn't want to stay in my house.
I know this because MIL came out today with a straight face and said this is why SIL2 didn't want to visit over the summer holidays when I asked why they hadn't come up this time. (We always have nephew to stay when they come out... not by choice.)

She didn't once say my house isn't dirty or I told her to stop being silly or anything.

Now my house isn't dirty or cluttered, I do clean it every day. I have three children with SEN needs, so you can imagine sometimes I don't have enough hours in the day to make sure it's ready for a royal visit. (They don't even inform us they are coming to stay, just randomly turn up.)

But what did I say to mil...? "Oh." That's all I could manage.

I'm really hurt and embarrassed by these comments from SIL2 and MIL for repeating it the way she did to me. I can't stop thinking about it.
Do I say anything to SIL2? Or just let it go?
I'm so angry at my in laws, they are always arguing and now it feels like it's my turn. Sad

OP posts:
caulescens · 24/08/2022 22:26

I have a shit-stirring (and definitely lying at times) MIL.

I would give SIL2 a ring and repeat what MIL has said, and ask if she has got it right. Not to get into any kind of argument - just so you know.

Your MIL may not be elderly but she is certainly old enough to know that was a nasty thing to say. I wouldn't want to spend much time with her.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 24/08/2022 22:29

Suggest to sil she takes over caring for mil as you have your own chores to do.

Original poster
Inlawsdrivemeinsane · 25/08/2022 09:33

I don't want to spend much time with MIL as it stands but she comes round every single day for dinner (something she now expects.)
I really want to distance myself from her as those comments really cut deep.
If I say to SIL she needs to look after MIL as I've got chores to do it'll start world war 3. Maybe that's what my MIL wants, fallen out with SIL1 and the rest of her family and now wants to cut us off I don't know.
Just makes me very sad, I have very decent family and I've left them all to just get abuse off his family. Sad

OP posts:
Raindancer411 · 25/08/2022 09:41

So this is your hubbies mum? What does he say??? Maybe he needs to get involved in what was said and speak to his sister than you?

MarmiteCoriander · 25/08/2022 09:48

I agree, give SIL2 a call and find out the truth. It might have got twisted or misheard.

What does MIL's son say? What does he do for his mother?

Why does SIL2 stay with YOU? Why does he and SIL2 stay with the MIL when they visit???

Daily visits would do my head in! I get weekly and that is more than enough. YOu need your own space for your children and need to distance yourself if this women is really being as toxic as she sounds.

Original poster
Inlawsdrivemeinsane · 25/08/2022 09:48

Raindancer411 · 25/08/2022 09:41

So this is your hubbies mum? What does he say??? Maybe he needs to get involved in what was said and speak to his sister than you?

Yes DHs mum and sister.

He is really upset and angry, whenever MIL makes comments like these she makes sure DH isn't around I assume because she knows he would tell her straight and that she's upsetting me. (He has done in the past and she's not taken it well!)
He says to ignore his mum and that it's most likely his mum being in a mood and wanting someone to blame because his sister hasn't managed to come up to visit this time (MIL thinks the sun shines from his sister.) but has said I'm welcome to message his sister and ask has she really said these things, but I'm so embarrassed to ask.

OP posts:
whatstheteamarie · 25/08/2022 09:49

Send her a text saying:

"MIL, I've thought about what SIL has said about the state of my house (& that the fact you didn't disagree with her implies that you agree) and I understand.
From now on, I will spend the time that I used to spend cooking for you and hosting you every evening to tidy the house, do not come over for dinner anymore as on your & SIL's advice, I need to spend that time (the little "free" time that I have) cleaning. SIL can entertain you every evening from now on, even if that's with a video call due to distance."

Then ignore and do not back down.

Obviously instead of cleaning the house you should spend time with your kids/put your feet up with a bottle of wine, but bottom line is the hosting stops.

Original poster
Inlawsdrivemeinsane · 25/08/2022 09:51

SIL2 stays with MIL when visiting but her son chooses to stay with us.
She can be nice at times, but other times when she's down she brings everyone else down to her level too and it's very suffocating.
I don't have many friends where I live so I can't really go out and avoid her and I shouldn't have to it's my home. Sometimes I'll go upstairs out of her way when she comes round and I know she's in a horrible mood but she doesn't get the hint.

OP posts:
Creepymanonagoatfarm · 25/08/2022 09:56

Text her you won't be in at dinnertime anymore... Put stop to that now op. Your mh isn't worth putting up with this abuse. Be that is what it is.

ColadhSamh · 25/08/2022 09:57

whatstheteamarie · 25/08/2022 09:49

Send her a text saying:

"MIL, I've thought about what SIL has said about the state of my house (& that the fact you didn't disagree with her implies that you agree) and I understand.
From now on, I will spend the time that I used to spend cooking for you and hosting you every evening to tidy the house, do not come over for dinner anymore as on your & SIL's advice, I need to spend that time (the little "free" time that I have) cleaning. SIL can entertain you every evening from now on, even if that's with a video call due to distance."

Then ignore and do not back down.

Obviously instead of cleaning the house you should spend time with your kids/put your feet up with a bottle of wine, but bottom line is the hosting stops.

This. Not rude, not goady just the facts and suggestions of way forward. Send to both and do not engage further with either.

AlisonDonut · 25/08/2022 10:00

Stop cooking for her then. If she thinks your house is dirty then she wouldn't want to eat there anyway.

Original poster
Inlawsdrivemeinsane · 25/08/2022 10:05

Thing is she's sold her freezer and fridge and has no room to put food as she assumed we would always cook her dinner. Some days I don't even cook dinner hoping she'll get the hint and she'll go into my kitchen and help herself anyways. (Then moans why do I always go food shopping.. because I'm feeding for an extra person?!)

That text sounds good, I know it'll cause world war 3 but I'm sick of it and you're all completely right it's borderline abusive.
I couldn't even manage to sleep last night as I was up fretting about these comments. I keep asking DH that I'm not her child so why do I have to deal with all this crap she keeps throwing at me?

OP posts:
AlisonDonut · 25/08/2022 10:11

Inlawsdrivemeinsane · 25/08/2022 10:05

Thing is she's sold her freezer and fridge and has no room to put food as she assumed we would always cook her dinner. Some days I don't even cook dinner hoping she'll get the hint and she'll go into my kitchen and help herself anyways. (Then moans why do I always go food shopping.. because I'm feeding for an extra person?!)

That text sounds good, I know it'll cause world war 3 but I'm sick of it and you're all completely right it's borderline abusive.
I couldn't even manage to sleep last night as I was up fretting about these comments. I keep asking DH that I'm not her child so why do I have to deal with all this crap she keeps throwing at me?

You seem to be making all this your problem.

Just stop cooking for her and let her sort herself out. Stop buying things she likes for a few weeks. Hide the nice stuff somewhere she can't get it.

Stop being so passive. They do next day delivery on AO.com so if she has sold her fridge [really?] she can go get another one.

GG1986 · 25/08/2022 10:13

Your husband needs to step up and sort this out! I can't believe she comes around every night for dinner! i feel for you, I couldn't cope if this was my mil.

Booklover3 · 25/08/2022 10:13

You have a DH problem.

My DH wouldn’t let me tell his parents how they make him feel, or how they make me feel. He didn’t want me to rock the boat at all… they even called him the black sheep of the family to his face.

I now have nothing to do with my in laws. I am completely no contact. He can explain that himself but as far as I’m concerned I want nothing to do with them because they are awful for my own mental well-being.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/08/2022 10:18

You have a you problem. No one can take advantage of you unless you allow it, and you're allowing it. No more dinners, no more helping the MIL, no more dealing with his sisters. Tell your husband you're done and all of this shit is solely his problem. He had best be helping dear mum find a refrigerator for her house.

Blueberrycreampie · 25/08/2022 10:27

Buy her a small fridge then get Wiltshire Farm Foods - or whatever to deliver. She pays obviously, and devote your time and attention to your 3 kids. A pub local to us does a meals on wheels service - there are options!

Threelittlelambs · 25/08/2022 10:34

I would also ask DSil about this - we have a family member who does this and we don’t fall out over these comments - it hurts obviously - but we all take it knowing it’s just stiring.

Its possible SIL didn’t want to visit because there’s no fridge but MIL has turned it round on you.

id text

Hi, MIL just commented why you didn’t want to visit this summer - I’m not sure I believe her version, can you call when you have a minute.

StopGo · 25/08/2022 10:42

Get DH to source a fridge freezer , microwave if needed and a Wiltshire Farm Foods delivery. His mother = his problem. No need for you to get involved.

lisavanderpumpscloset · 25/08/2022 10:55

Your DH said you're welcome to message his sister???

HE should be doing this.

MarmiteCoriander · 25/08/2022 11:02

What does MIL do about breakfast/lunch? Surely she needs a fridge for milk/meat/cheese/perishables??? This makes absolutely no sense at all.

StClare101 · 25/08/2022 11:07

Make sure you are not home the next few nights. Treat yourselves to fish and chips etc. Don’t do any shopping so there’s no food when she arrives. Or just lock the front door, and tell her to buy a damn fridge.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/08/2022 11:18

These people have taken advantage of your kindness and niceness which they really see as weakness. I can also see why SIL1 walked away entirely from them.

As your DH cannot be at all bothered with them or does not want to rock the boat their attention has turned to you his wife, as the weaker link here. Your boundaries re these two women have been far too low and they've taken full advantage using your home as some sort of hotel/b and b for nephew. Your DH should be talking to both his sister and mother here as its his circus and monkeys after all.

Deathraystare · 25/08/2022 11:18

I am surprised you let this happen! Were you asleep??? You have kids with SN and everyone expects you to somehow deal with a rather needy woman!!

When you text SIL please remember to say that MIL said the she had said , otherwise it will look like you are blaming her if MIL is telling porkies.

It is about time you got your life back, concentrated on you and your kids and sod whoever thinks your house is dirty. Fuck that.

Why anyone thinks that someone with SN kids has time to devote to needy MILs and clean the place to a certain cleanliness I don't know!

bjrce · 25/08/2022 11:24

OP,

Be very careful about sending any type of Text to your SIL.

The fact the MIL said what she did , not in the presence of your DH, could very easily allow her to state she never said such a thing. That you're lying and you put yourself at risk at getting pulled into all their drama.

What I would do is:

It seems you are a SAT mom, so I would inform your DH that you are not cooking for the MIL anymore, scale it right back.

Step away from all of their drama, don't get involved.

Based on how nasty the MIL is - do you honestly think the SIL said this - if she did let her know her comments were deeply hurtful and disrespectful - but I daresay she'll admit she said it.

This is all your DHs problem - let him deal with them.

I would Grey Rock the lot of them. They really are a nasty bunch - they will drain the life out of you.

Don't go buying any fridges or trying to help her out - step right back, be a little more selfish and focus on Self care for yourself, it doesn't matter how much you do, you won't be appreciated.