My in laws are driving me insane.

[Inlawsdrivemeinsane]

I'm really slowly loosing the will to live with my in laws.

As it stands, me and DH are the only ones who live near MIL. We help take care of certain things she struggles with. She's not elderly but sometimes plays on what she can/can't do.
DH has two sisters. Can be difficult at times.

SIL1 fell out with everyone because she would say SIL2 was the golden child. No hidden backstory to this. No contact with this SIL.

SIL2 doesn't live anywhere near us. She's aware that we help look after MIL so she doesn't have to uproot her whole life. Got on well with SIL2 the whole time I've known her... or so I thought.

When SIL2 last visited she apparently made comments to MIL. Saying my house was dirty and my nephew didn't want to stay in my house.
I know this because MIL came out today with a straight face and said this is why SIL2 didn't want to visit over the summer holidays when I asked why they hadn't come up this time. (We always have nephew to stay when they come out... not by choice.)

She didn't once say my house isn't dirty or I told her to stop being silly or anything.

Now my house isn't dirty or cluttered, I do clean it every day. I have three children with SEN needs, so you can imagine sometimes I don't have enough hours in the day to make sure it's ready for a royal visit. (They don't even inform us they are coming to stay, just randomly turn up.)

But what did I say to mil...? "Oh." That's all I could manage.

I'm really hurt and embarrassed by these comments from SIL2 and MIL for repeating it the way she did to me. I can't stop thinking about it.
Do I say anything to SIL2? Or just let it go?
I'm so angry at my in laws, they are always arguing and now it feels like it's my turn.

I'd be trying to move a few miles away from MIL.

How old is she? How does DH feel about MIL turning up for dinner every single day?

This would be ultimatum time for me.

She has a mini fridge for a tiny pint of milk. She buys breakfast in the morning when out, I don't know what she does for lunch I've never bothered asking.

Is grey rocking just being unresponsive to them when nasty?
I have locked the door many times, she used to try and come round in the mornings but I would lock it when I came back from the school runs and ignore it so I clearly need to do it on the evenings too.

She's mid 50s.
He gets annoyed having to cook for her all the time, but then on the other hand says she won't eat if we don't feed her so feels bad. She's quite skinny.

I'm mid 50s.

This is preposterous OP. Of course she will eat, if she's hungry.

I think you both need therapy, this is not acceptable behaviour. And mid 50s is not old enough to rely on your kids to feed you.

Mid -50s! Bloody hell - that’s my age. I’m still working full time and wouldn’t dream of behaving like this. Truly bizarre behaviour . Mid 50s is young. I thought she’d be in her 70s from what you’ve written.

68 here and feed myself!

I wouldn't normal add a comment as I think others have already said it but you are so not being unreasonable to not feed her, to text her what was suggested up thread about spending time cleaning instead of hosting and locking your door! I can't believe the cheek of the woman!!

They don't sound great... but I'm afraid I agree that you have a you problem. Stop cooking dinners, letting her in and being such a pushover.

And I'd tell SIL that you won't be offended if she and nephew find somewhere else to stay next time since you obviously can't meet their high standards and you'd hate for them to be uncomfortable.

Your MIL is mid-50s????? What on earth is going on? That’s young.

The grandparents in our family are late 70s and mid to late 80s. They all live completely independently, cook for themselves and have fridges and freezers!

Where is your DH while all this is going on? Did he grow up with his parents and grandparents in the same home?

In those circumstances, your MIL’s attitude and your husband’s acquiescence would make more sense but if she wants an extended family set-up, she needs to be contributing by eg cooking meals etc, not just turning up and demanding to be fed. And if that wasn’t the case, then how has she decided she’s entitled to be at your house every evening?

I can't help feeling that with 3 children with SEN needs, she should be cooking for you, at least a few times a week. Just tell her that now the kids are growing up they need more of your time for activities etc and you won't be able to accommodate her going forward! Otherwise she will just get more and more needy as she gets older.

Ideally get her to look after herself, otherwise designate her in charge of cleaning, while you are cooking then moan to SIL that MIL doesn't keep the house clean. What does dh contribute to keeping house running?

Don't be embarrassed about the comments. She may have said it as an excuse to not have to visit. If she wants to visit her mum why does it matter what your house is like. No one has to stay with you to see MIL. Does she give any warning of these visits, when the next one comes up you can ask where they are staying. If she says yours you can respond it's not going to work for you.

Are you and your kids going to miss your nephew, how old is he by the way? She doesn't seem to appreciate that you have three kids to manage plus helping out with MIL. They just sound like more work for you. Is nephew a lone child? I had a very close friend and neighbour growing up who was an only and spent a lot of time at mine. She sometimes loved being around me and my sisters instead of being home alone (keyhole child) but I doubt she could have coped staying overnight with all of us.

Maybe leaving the response as 'oh' was actually good. You aren't creating or being dragged into any drama. Ever fancied moving abroad? I never did until my in laws started coming over 😂

She has dinner with you EVERY DAY?!?!??

Dinner every day is INSANE. Your Dh needs to stop this, not you. She won’t starve herself, will she, but you need downtime in the evenings.

I’ve never read anything as bizarre in terms of family relations! I’m mid 5Os!! My parents& In laws all feed themselves - all around 80!
Uou need to put your foot down now with DH first and then her. One might a week max.

PS this sounds like one step away from her moving in with you …

Wow @Inlawsdrivemeinsane . Mid 50s is nothing, if this carries on you'll have statistically probably another 25 years or so of it. This isn't right. Sounds like she's deliberately making herself appear dependent because she likes the attention or something.

I've even said to her before "my DGP are in the 80s battled cancer and still cook and manage fine on their own." As a hint.

She'll never move in with us, she's hinted in the past but Ive immediately shut her down on it saying "you wouldn't want to live with 3 kids who don't sleep surely? You don't even look after them on your own let alone live with them."

She's becoming way to needy. I do feel like I've got a fourth child!

Your DH needs to step in and tell her no. It’s his mother, his responsibility.

If he won’t, you’ll need to. “We’ve got a lot on at the moment so don’t come around at mealtimes, we can’t see you then.”

Well you was all right.

DH pulled her up on it and she denied even saying it.

Does she have a key?
Hopefully not, don't let her in (key turned in lock will stop her) if she does have a key, change the locks!

She doesn't need a fridge for beans on toast which would be more than she'd get from me at the mo, but I have a v cold heart
Alternatively throw a tin of spam at her...

Tell your DH you will not lift a finger for her again.
End of conversation.

I'd move house!

Tell your husband no more. She has now called you a liar.

Tell him you do want her in your house. If he wants to cook for her everynight he can do so at her house.

And to be Frank he needs a hard kick in the testicles and tile to man up and focus on his wife and kids.

Holy cow she could be alive for another 40 years, this can not be your life.

*do not want her in your house!