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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What shall I do regarding my ex? Things were my fault, and everyone is telling me different things.

42 replies

quizzyquizzy2 · 24/08/2022 19:55

So conflicted on what to do - everyone’s telling me different things!

My ex ended things with me just over 2 months ago. We bumped into each other nearly 6 weeks ago and there’s been no contact since then.

The breakup was mainly my fault. I was in a terrible place mentally as I was in a job I despised, I suffered hugely and in the end he became exhausted. He used to tell me it was draining him but he’d never leave. In the end he said I seemed miserable around him, and that neither of us were happy anymore.

These last few months in therapy made me realise a lot - he treated me like gold and was so supportive, I probably seemed so ungrateful, and he was never the reason I was miserable. I’ve worked on myself so much since and im in a much better place.

When I bumped into him, 3 weeks post breakup, he was very flirty. But he said it’s too soon and that we can’t guarantee the same thing wouldn’t happen if we got back together. He held my hand, kissed me on the forehead and gave me a huge hug.

He hasn’t unfollowed me on anything.

The last few weeks, something has been screaming at me to reach out. He’s also someone who likes girls who go for what they want.

Viewpoint 1: Some of my friends say to just go for it, message him and ask him to go for coffee, and if he says no then just leave it. Even his sister suggested, a few days after BU, that I ask him for coffee after a month or two.

Viewpoint 2: some friends say to send a letter taking accountability but not expect a response.

Viewpoint 3: my mum said it’s the worst idea ever. She said all his friends and family respect me (they all still like me, like my pictures etc) and I was dignified, and that I’d just ruin it. She said eventually he might realise what he lost but it’ll be too late because I’ll be over it. And to play the waiting game and get the best feeling from that.

Anyone have any opinion on what I should do?!

OP posts:
lisavanderpumpscloset · 24/08/2022 19:58

What do YOU want to do?

quizzyquizzy2 · 24/08/2022 20:00

I really want to either ask him for coffee or send him a letter. But as some people have said, I feel like I’d lose all dignity. It’ll make it look like I’ve not moved on and still pining over him in 2 months. I walked away with my head held high and I know his family and friends still like and respect me :/

OP posts:
GreenManalishi · 24/08/2022 20:03

Listen to your mother on this one, I'm still of the opinion that he knows where you are and you need to move on. In the kindest way possible, let it go.

quizzyquizzy2 · 24/08/2022 20:04

I guess I just worry that he wants the apology (as a lot was my fault) and he might think I’m not sorry

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 24/08/2022 20:08

I'd send the letter. Completely dignified, take responsibility and explain the steps you've taken to better yourself. Tell him you'd be open to going for a coffee if ever he fancied it. Leave the ball in his court.

bigspoonlittlespoon · 24/08/2022 20:22

Forget what it makes you look like, firstly you can never know, and secondly, it doesn't matter.

Personally I'd forget about it and move on. If he'd wanted something to start up again, he would have let you know.

Franklyfrost · 24/08/2022 20:28

First off, wait at least two weeks, ideally a month. If you’re still seeing your therapist talk with them about whether the relationship different and how it would be different. If it still seems like something you want to do, reach out, apologise and say you’d be up for going for a coffee/walk if he’d like. Don’t pretend you don’t like him, what’s the point? The worst thing that can happen is that he doesn’t want to go for a walk with you and you tell yourself it wasn’t meant to be. That’s not undignified, it’s just taking a chance and accepting it might not go how you want it to.

hewouldwouldnthe · 24/08/2022 21:03

By all means write him a letter explaining why things went so wrong for you and apologise for your part in the break up. I think it is very fair to the other person to explain what happened and why. Closure is a good thing.

Then if he wants to contact you again he can as the door is open. Leave it to him.

Opentooffers · 25/08/2022 09:05

I think how much dignity you are able to maintain depends on what you put in the letter. There's no harm in acknowledging your part and apologising, however, don't make it a begging letter. In fact don't mention a meet and especially that you'd like to get back together. Just thank him for trying to support you, and let him know that you have sought proper help and are doing well. Then leave it at that, nothing else, if he then wants to contact he will, if not, keep a dignified silence. Applying any pressure will backfire.

ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 25/08/2022 10:53

I’d be honest, explain what happened, take responsibility, and say you would like to see him again. Say why you think things would work this time. Don’t waste time with games.

quizzyquizzy2 · 25/08/2022 12:40

Thank you all. I’m unsure how to do it. I’m worried if I send a letter straight away it’ll put him off cos he’s probably exhausted of all the emotional stuff.
Shall I just message and ask for coffee to keep it light hearted first?
He still follows me on everything so that door is open.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 25/08/2022 13:03

I think the worst idea is the letter, I find that a bit cringey. Also from his perspective quite heavy going and part of the issue was that he felt drained, an emotional letter is not going to help with that.

I am inclined to think that you should leave it, it is up to him now.

quizzyquizzy2 · 25/08/2022 15:00

That’s what I thought as well - i really want him to know everything I’d write, but it’d probably make him run a mile if I started with that.
Something is just urging me to ask him for a coffee…

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 25/08/2022 15:01

Ask him then - you don't need our permission!

quizzyquizzy2 · 25/08/2022 15:29

Sorry @girlmom21 i just wanted to check on peoples opinions because I don’t know if I’m just acting out of grief. Like from a rational point of view I dunno if it’s a really bad idea. Just wanted some opinions😟

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 25/08/2022 15:32

Don't apologise, I was trying to be encouraging but text doesn't always come across the best.

I think people giving you suggestions has helped you realise what's best for you. None of us know either of you but you do. Writing it out has helped you make your own mind up I think

quizzyquizzy2 · 25/08/2022 15:34

Aww thanks @girlmom21 i think you’re right. I think I’ll leave it a few days then just reach out. Better than never knowing at all…! Xx

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 25/08/2022 15:35

I don't understand Version 3 from your mum
She said eventually he might realise what he lost but it’ll be too late because I’ll be over it. And to play the waiting game and get the best feeling from that.
Does she think he's at fault and should be chasing you?

quizzyquizzy2 · 25/08/2022 15:42

@MichelleScarn yeah she thinks it’s not just my fault because he ended it really quite suddenly so I was heartbroken. But if I’m honest I know I was most at fault

OP posts:
quizzyquizzy2 · 25/08/2022 16:55

I’m wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation and reached out, and it worked out?

OP posts:
UnusualJobForAWoman · 25/08/2022 17:31

What were the pros and cons in the relationship? That will help you decide how to approach it.

quizzyquizzy2 · 25/08/2022 18:03

Pros: we got on so well. Same humour, life goals, etc. His family adored me. The sex life was insane and our chemistry amazing. He was extremely supportive at times where I struggled. We always did lovely things for each other. Got on amazingly with each other’s friends.

Cons: sometimes he wasn’t a great communicator (not always). Probably moved a bit quick (I moved into his family home after 10 months). Other than that, nothing much.

OP posts:
quizzyquizzy2 · 25/08/2022 18:06

The last I heard from him was “good to see you smile again x” after I bumped into him and texted him that I got home safe

OP posts:
ImpartialMongoose · 25/08/2022 20:15

I think you need to work on your obsessive/compulsive tendencies. Wasn't this why he split with you because you were fixated on him and his feelings towards you? How have you changed if you are still obsessing about him? (I'm referring to your previous threads).

Jewel7 · 25/08/2022 20:33

Hmmm I’m not sure from what I’m reading that was mainly your fault. There is 2 sides to every story. I guess your both fairly young as living with his family, that in itself can make things difficult. But he did say he would never leave. Did he support you when life was tricky, enough? As in life I think this is one of the things that is important to most people.
However my option would be to speak to him face to face. I had someone in my life that hurt me when I was younger. I walked away we never discussed it. Looking back I wish we had communicated better. I wanted an apology. But I can see it was also my fault now. I think if he is that important you could regret it. But try not to hold him to high as your important too.