Is this thinking logical, what would you do??!

[rehob]

I’m nearly 35 and desperately wanted a family since 29. I don’t seem to struggle to attract men, I’m not full on about wanting kids and when I say I do want them it doesn’t put them off. I always get second third dates etc then I call it off as I’m not interested. But the burning desire to have a family remains and tormented me.

I met someone in lockdown and fell for him. This is unusual for me. However, the relationship has deteriorated as although he’s successful and generally decent, it appears he has issues with general commitment moving forwards anytime soon. BUT… I recently found out I’m pregnant. He initially said he was excited (he’s older than me, no dc). Now however, he’s gone dark on me completely. Barely talks about the pregnancy and suggested the relationship isn’t going anywhere.

im 14 weeks and feel if I terminate I will go back into the dating pool and again be searching for someone to have a family with. I feel dread at the idea and that each date will be plagued with my biological clock.

in this context what would you do? Obviously I never wanted a baby alone but I was at the point of considering it before I met this recent man. So conflicted.

Have the baby and bring him or her up on your own.

I'd have the baby. It sounds like you want children and I think these things happen for a reason. Plus 14 weeks is late-ish to sort out a termination- no judgement but you've gone through all the sick period etc.

Your post has no reason to terminate other than you don't want to be a single mother - which seems to be more about stigma or self judgement than an actual desire not to continue the pregnancy?

You may or may not meet Mr Right. There are plenty of women in your age group who have children through donor sperm.

You might have the baby and meet a wonderful man later. You never know.
You want a baby and you're going to have one.

Yeah @AdamRyan it’s the fact I didn’t want to do it alone. I wanted a family unit in the typical sense. But I know me and I know I would be back to sleepless nights (in a different way!) about the fact I may never have children, the fact every day is a waiting game to see if I can see myself having children with the man. It was just shit. Like I say I know I could go and get dates and I’m not worried about that aspect but it was awful. Date after date after date and I was just wanting a baby.

I guess I feel if I go ahead then I am giving up on a love life always, that’s how it feels. Can’t imagine anyone will want a 38 year old with a 4 year old!!!

If you want the baby, just write him off mentally and go it alone.

You can still meet a potential partner later on if you have the baby, but your window for having children is getting smaller, so while you do still have time, it's possible you could miss your opportunity and might regret a termination.

@KirstenBlest i just worry that given the dad is clearly not interested and giving me all the signs he wants out… how selfish is it of me to carry on? In terms of putting that on this man? It was an accident and we used condoms so he wasn’t being reckless at all.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. It's what you have dreamed of and wanted for years. Please think carefully about termination. This is your chance to have a baby and you will be a great mum.

Plenty of women, and women older than you, go on from being a single mum to falling in love again.

@category12 my mum had me at 22 and my sister at 44 would that suggest I have longer?

@pensionconfusion thank you. My ‘DP’ was using condoms and I worry it’s unfair on him to carry it on if he clearly doesn’t care… if you see what I mean? I feel bad for him and also potentially the child if he follows through and has nothing to do with us

If you can't fund a child for 18 years on your own, please TERMINATE. If you don't, imagine what a drain on others and the State it will cause.

We can never know what life holds for us.

Only you know how you feel about this pregnancy and what your gut tells you.

Fertility is very individual and no-one can guarantee you’d fall pregnant easily if you tried again later in life.

If I was in your position, I think I’d probably go ahead on my own. I would be prepare for the idea that he won’t be involved, anything beyond that is a bonus. Being a single parent with a kid in your 30s isn’t a deal breaker. Plenty of guys are prepared to date women with kids! Good luck whatever you decide.

At your age, I would have the baby.

From reading your op, I'd say have the baby, go it alone and meet someone later. You can have a family, you make it from what you want.

Reading your subsequent posts, I feel like your teetering. You need to do what is right for you and what will make you happy, like a pp has said it feels like stigma is the thing pushing you towards terminating.

I understand your feelings in regards to the father, no he didn't ask for this baby, he did everything right, but a baby was still created. Don't let guilt over him make your mind up. He doesn't have to be involved if he chooses not to be.

I don't think 35 with a baby is a deal breaker at all for your romantic life. Sure, you might not have time for dating for the first year or two, but it'll get easier. Do you have family nearby who would be supportive?

I take your point about DP, but I think you're being too thoughtful/generous to him. This is your body and it's your decision. No contraception is 100%, and hopefully he knew this going in, as it were.

Good luck whatever your decision

Not always, especially when meeting people suitable ect

@rehob , plenty of single parents go on to have relationships.
I know plenty of people who are now with someone who isn't their DC1's parent.

Fck him

Go ahead with it

Single mum with two girls under 4
They are amazing and we are v v happy now that the abuser dad is not around

You got this

I would go ahead mate, you want a baby and you are pregnant, what could be better than than.

I’d have the baby. I guess it’d also be really hard to terminate now when you actually do want this. Maybe he will come around, maybe he won’t but if you don’t have the baby and then don’t get a chance to have another (or even if you do) you’ll always regret it. I was 33 when I separated from ex with a 1 yo. I still found it possible to meet men and form relationships and had another baby at 41. Do you have family support or can you move nearer them? That made a difference for me but I have friends who have less family support but cultivated a good friend support network so not always essential.

He's suggested the relationship isn't going anywhere but has he told you he doesn't want the baby?

There's no reason you can't co-parent.

Thanks for the replies!!

@girlmom21 he won’t disused the baby so I assume not! Weird though as he was always banging on about kids. Who knows, I’ve tried to talk about it but he ignores it. He’s made it clear he doesn’t think the relationship has a future

If I was you I'd have the baby (if you're in a position to) and leave the door open for him to be a part of their life if he wants to be.

My friend had a similar experience at 39/40. She now has a nearly 3 year old and has just moved in with her partner who she met a couple of years ago so you never know what might happen in the future!

Why would you terminate a healthy pregnancy when you want a child?! I’m not against abortion (for the right reasons) but your reasons for considering it seem 🦇💩 to me.