Is this thinking logical, what would you do??!

[rehob]

I’m nearly 35 and desperately wanted a family since 29. I don’t seem to struggle to attract men, I’m not full on about wanting kids and when I say I do want them it doesn’t put them off. I always get second third dates etc then I call it off as I’m not interested. But the burning desire to have a family remains and tormented me.

I met someone in lockdown and fell for him. This is unusual for me. However, the relationship has deteriorated as although he’s successful and generally decent, it appears he has issues with general commitment moving forwards anytime soon. BUT… I recently found out I’m pregnant. He initially said he was excited (he’s older than me, no dc). Now however, he’s gone dark on me completely. Barely talks about the pregnancy and suggested the relationship isn’t going anywhere.

im 14 weeks and feel if I terminate I will go back into the dating pool and again be searching for someone to have a family with. I feel dread at the idea and that each date will be plagued with my biological clock.

in this context what would you do? Obviously I never wanted a baby alone but I was at the point of considering it before I met this recent man. So conflicted.

Have the baby and bring it up on your own. Being in a relationship is no guarantee that you won't end up a single parent anyway. Plus there are plenty of 'partners' who are pretty useless and you end up doing all the work of a single parent plus being constantly annoyed at someone else, and having to look after them as well. This way, you go into it prepared and knowing what's ahead. Get a good network of family around you, and other mums when the baby comes. There's an app called Frolo which is a good community of single parents. It's really ok if you have good support around you, and in my experience better to do it that way than with an unreliable partner who will cause you more grief in the long term.

Make sure you DON'T put his name on the birth certificate if he has no interest in being involved. That means he won't have automatic parental rights, and whilst he can show up later and demand to have contact, it'll be a whole lot harder for him
If his name isn't on it.

What a ridiculous attitude. Have you considered the possibility that a young parent might need benefits for a few years, then go on to build a career and be a higher-rate tax payer before the child is 18?
Or are you one of those people who think no-one should ever get any benefits, ever, and the welfare state should be abolished?

OP, have the baby. It is a separate question as to whether you will ask the father for maintenance or not, and that question can wait to be answered later.

I'd see this as the universe presenting you with an opportunity.

Take it and bring your baby up. If a man turns up at some point then great. If not, you have your child.

I was engaged and still ended up as a single parent before the baby was born (didn't see it coming at all). There are no guarantees in life.

Do what makes you happy. He can be apart of this babies life if he wants but it's what you want.

Do you want this man in your life forever? Can you imagine co-parenting with him? Because despite what he says now, it is incredibly common for men to say they don't want to be involved but to change their minds later. If you have a baby together, he will be in your life forever.

@Nightynightnight to be honest I’d be happier if he was involved. It’s his hesitance that’s making me second guess it. But it does seem he’s totally checked out

I imagine that having a termination would be incredibly difficult to deal with when you actually want to have a baby. You did not set out to trick this man into fatherhood, you have done nothing wrong and need not feel guilty. It may not be the set up you imagined but this is an opportunity to be a mummy. You want a baby and you are pregnant. Congratulations!

Only you can decide what to do and it’s you who will be most impacted by whatever choice you make.

in your shoes I’d continue with the pregnancy if I thought I was reasonably stable enough to manage bringing up a child as a single parent. However having a child was/is always more important to me than a relationship in my priorities.

Don’t have a termination you’re unsure about, you will likely come to regret it.

I agree with @GreyCarpet that the universe has presented you with an opportunity...

Its not the presence of a man that makes a family unit. The security and the emotional bond between you and your child is what makes it.

Not easy at times, but it’s worth it.

Have the baby. He/she will be your greatest love x

You were 38 not 78
Plenty of time to meet mr right and mr right will slot in to your life and love you and your kid
That's the whole point of them being right

Have the baby. It's not a given you'll get another pregnancy or chance.

You want the baby more or the 'ideal life' that's a maybe more?

Go for it mama! You sound like you'll be an amazing mummy and take it from me (and my terrible experience) that whoever you have a baby with it really doesn't mean they are going to stick around and you'll have the traditional family unit.
I was with an incredible man, we were together 7 years we bought a house were engaged and had a beautiful baby. Our relationship was amazing. When DD was 6 months old I found out he'd been having an affair and he walked out. My world felt like it ended.
But now I've picked myself up (with a lot of support around me) and I've got the best bond with my DD who's almost 2, and I've men a lovely man who is so amazing with us both and although not what I thought would happen I'm happier now than I've ever been.

You can do this, and there's nothing stopping you from having a 'family unit' in the future, it just may look a little different than what you thought it would.

You and your baby will have the best bond ❤️

As soon as you drop your family unit idea you'll be a whole world happier. Literally no one will care if you have a partner or not. I was a single mum with a 2&3 year old and it was 90% brilliant 10% hell. I had a v bad sleeper.

Every day was an adventure and I was the leader. Loved it. Got remarried in my 40s. Didn't make parenting easier.

Kick grumpy older man into touch. Block contact. Live your life with your new family of 2.

This might be your last chance to have a baby. I had my first at 34 with no issues, we tried again at 37 and it didn't happen, we tried for a further 4 years, had all the tests etc and we were both fertile, it just simply didn't happen.

If you want dc and are happy you can financially support a child alone then don't terminate, I'd go so far as to say, if you have any doubts don't terminate. You will still have a family unit even if the father doesn't contribute, it'll be you and your baby.

Plenty of people have blended families for lots of reasons - you'll be surprised
In fact i wonder if the fact you have a child would be less threatening to a certain type of man than being 38 and childless. That could add pressure to get serious quickly that would put some men off.

how selfish is it of me to carry on? In terms of putting that on this man?

Of all the issues you need to think about, I'd say that was the least important. You are not being at all selfish. Contraceptive accidents do happen. No one claims condoms are 100% safe.

You are not putting anything on this man -- he took the same risk that you did. If he didn't ever want children, he could have had a vasectomy. You must get him to pay maintenance for his child, that's only fair as you will have all the work of bringing him/her up.

I would consider this a happy accident. You're nearing the end of the years when you're likely to conceive easily, and you've been thinking of going ahead alone. This has just pushed you off the diving board!

I speak as someone who dithered around for too long and ended up childless.

The only thing you should be thinking of is whether you can emotionally, physically and financially look after a child on your own.

If you can do this, and want to, keep the baby. If you can't, terminate. This child will be an actual living person who doesn't deserve a difficult childhood just because his mother had dreams. Their quality of life matters and in 2022, just love isn't enough - practical considerations count too.

Forget about the man's feelings. He's made it clear he doesn't want the relationship. If you can agree a co-parenting relationship, that could be extra support for you. But don't have the baby assuming you'll have him around. Also don't worry that being a mum makes you undateable. Only worry if you can give your baby the life you think they deserve.

I also chose the baby over the relationship. Its hard but rewarding and now years later I have also met the man of my dreams and he has no issue with my having a child. Go for it OP, you can do this x

How are you doing @rehob hope you’re ok