Breaking up with someone lovely

[isntitapip]

I really need some help with this. Started seeing a lovely kind man a few months ago but I'm just not feeling it. I've tried to stick with it hoping he was a slow burner but it just doesn't feel right. On paper he's perfect. Ticks all the boxes, we get on very well, he's thoughtful, intelligent, kind, considerate, solvent etc. I need to end it but I just can't find the right words. He's not done anything wrong. He really really likes me and he doesn't deserve what's coming. Please can someone help me with words and with the courage to do it? I know I'm being awful letting it drag on when I know it's not right but I keep chickening out

I'm in a similar situation.

How come you want to end it though, if you feel he ticks all the right boxes? It might be helpful to have clarity on that and then that will be helpful when you decide what to say when ending it.

I know I don't see a future with the person I've been seeing, but I'm having trouble explaining the reasons why without sounding like I'm mean!

Tell him the truth exactly how it is, there's no way of decorating it to make it any easier. It's going to hurt and upset him however it's delivered. The point is why would anyone want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with them. A friend told me this once after I had brief relationship with someone but couldn't get over her. Let him get over you and find someone who can love him and want a future with him. Don't leave it any longer, no point waiting for the right time. The time is now!

He does deserve to know the truth and not be strung along, you won't hurt him by telling him you're not feeling it but you will hurt him if you don't tell him.

"Bob, I've had a really lovely time with you over the past few weeks and you're a really lovely guy but unfortunately I don't feel a spark between us. I'd rather be upfront and honest with you now to avoid hurting you. I wish you the best."

I was in exactly this position 6 years ago. In the end after 5 months of dating and waiting to feel differently I bit the bullet and told him how I really felt. I won't lie, it wasn't pretty and the memory of it still makes me squirm a bit inside. He didn't take it well and was very upset. Then tried to contact me several times to literally beg me to reconsider. Sadly, like you, I just knew despite there being nothing 'wrong' with him at all, there just wasn't a spark. Then four months later I met someone else (now my DH) and I knew almost straight away he was the one for me. Makes me realise even more how disastrous it would have been to keep trying to make it work with the previous guy, lovely as he was. Ending our relationship was the right move 100%.

It's not going to be easy OP, but it's not fair on either of you to keep hanging on if you know deep down this isn't working as a relationship. Probably best to think about how you want to tell them but it's only likely to feel harder the longer you put it off.

'No easy way of doing this... you're a great guy and I've had fun, but something is missing for me...don't want to string you along. Good luck with everything'

Good luck OP, it's never easy but is the kindest thing to do.

I'm starting to change my mind. I just don't know what to do. He is the kindest man I've ever met. I've honestly never had someone be so nice to me. He just doesn't make my heart race or my stomach do flips. I know that goes away eventually but surely it should start there? Im just worried if I get rid of him I'll always regret it because I'll never find anyone who treats me this nicely.
Or is it that my bar is set so low that when I find a good one I think it's unusual?

The very fact that you're weighing up his pros and cons is enough. He isn't right for you and you know that. You wouldn't even be questioning it otherwise. You're just scared you'll regret it. No reason to stay with someone.

Of course you'll find someone else as nice and as lovely as him. It's not THAT rare!!

If you don't find him sexually attractive, it's unfair to stay. You'll make him and yourself miserable over time.

But if you do have a good time in bed but you just don't have 'the spark' you might want to examine what that means. Does it mean you don't have that on edge feeling you get when you are never quite sure of the other person's next move?

Years ago I read The Road Less Travelled which has a good chapter or two in it about the difference between the feeling of being 'in love' and 'love'. Love is calmer, warmer, it allows you to be yourself alongside the other person, not constantly wrapped up in them. 'In love' is obsessive and unsustainable. That really helped me realise the mistake I'd been making.

I think stomach doing flip flops is usually when there’s some element of uncertainty/ excitement in the relationship which is usually because in reality something isn’t quite right. I don’t think you necessarily need your heart racing but you should feel attraction and you should be looking forward to your time together if there’s something to build on.
if you definitely don’t have feelings for him just tell him you don’t feel a spark and want to end it. I’d probably just text tbh but I’m a wimp

He is the kindest man I've ever met. I've honestly never had someone be so nice to me. He just doesn't make my heart race or my stomach do flips.

not trying to lobby for this guy if you’re not feeling him but I did hear that if you’ve had failed relationships with guys who gave you that kind of flippy stomach adrenalin buzz the lack of it with another guy isn’t a warning that he’s not right for - it’s just experiencing nervous system calm around someone after a series of dopamine highs and lows with the guys who were actually not right for you.

Are you usually strongly attracted to men who aren't good for you?

Yes. Always. The last one I was obsessed with and he was utterly wrong and not very nice to me most of the time. It's like I'm
Addicted to that feeling.

@Mamato3boysand2dogs I actually think it is rare. It really is new to me. I've watched men be kind and thoughtful to other people, but never to me.

@Sandcastlesinthesky @JasonWaterfalls I think that's what I'm trying to work out. I go for the wrong men, so I need to do something different. I probably need to stop chasing that "feeling" I usually get. So is this what a good relationship looks like and will it grow in time, or is it a case of just because I've found a good one, it still doesn't mean he's a good one "for me", if that makes sense?

Do you trust this man to have your back if you are unwell or in any kind of trouble? Would you have his?

if you dump him and he meets someone else, how would you feel?

Can you rely on him? Does he respect your views? Would he be a supportive partner long term and good father if that is potentially in your future?

like some pp, I think that if you have a chequered relationship history, but like spending time with him, enjoy sex etc, you should consider your reasoning very very carefully before ending it, possibly with a counsellor.

You can always get an adrenaline hit from some kind of extreme sport. It doesn’t have to be from being in a relationship with someone mercurial who treats you like a Princess for 5 minutes but then is also a complete bastard.

This is very tough!

At the start of this thread I was thinking 'well you have to end it' but now that you'd said about often going for the wrong guys, chasing adrenaline etc., I'm thinking maybe you need to wait it out a bit longer?

I've been in both types of relationships and honestly, the marriage is the slow burner. Wasn't attracted to him at all when we first met, took us a year to get together. I now can't imagine my life without him and we are utterly in love.

Only your gut can really tell you how you feel though. Do you think there is a chance? Or is it a real no go for you? There must have been something that drew you together in the first place - what was it?

Ultimately you can't stay in a relationship with someone just because it's good for you. It's not like eating your vegetables. There does need to be more. But does that have to be the adrenaline you've felt from previous relationships with guys that have turned out to be wrong for you? Maybe it's something else that you haven't found yet.

My advice would be, give it another few months, and see how you feel.

You are worthy of a kind good hearted partner.

The adrenaline rush for me is usually a red flag.

Be careful you’re not self sabotaging yourself.

Not all relationships are like the movies where it’s a bolt of lightening.

What would your ideal partner be like that he is lacking?

You've had some good advice on this thread. I would also recommend some reading and possibly counselling before doing anything l. As a start, you could look up an American counsellor called Sheryl Paul who discusses life transitions and in particular relationship anxiety. She has a lot of articles and blog posts on her site that resonated with me.

I could have been you 16 years ago. A history of consistently unsuitable / unattainable men- which in hindsight was my pattern and addiction. Then along came DH. Intelligent, educated, made me laugh, great conversation, great chemistry, great sex. And he played no games and adored me from the get-go. I was so freaked out. Over the course of the first year (possibly two) I almost broke up with him so many times because I just felt like it "wasn't right". The only reason we're married today is because I chickened out so many times!

Having done a lot of internal work and self reflection since then, I now see that I likely would have ended up in the same pattern with the next nice guy who came along (and I had previous form with previous nice guys).

We just celebrated our tenth wedding anniversary, and certainly we have our issues as all couples especially those with young DC do, but DH continues to be a partner who adores me and supports me completely. And we still have great chemistry.

I don't want to steer you towards my path as it might be wrong for you, but I would ask yourself whether this guy ticks all your criteria, do you enjoy sex with him, how did you feel about him initially? etc etc before making your decision. Good luck!

If you’re not used to being treated like this it may actually put you out of your comfort zone.

What would you miss about him? What excitement are you missing? Do you fancy him? Can any partner give us everything we need?

Mine doesn’t, but some stuff he doesn’t like or do I can get from friends. Going to the cinema is a random example, he’s never been for more than 20 years. Long walks, he gets bored, he can’t talk for hours, my friends can ☺️

Depends what you value really, and whether you think you’ll realistically find it in time. You get to a certain age where you only have a few years to have kids and a nice man is a good option, even if he doesn’t make your heart race.

Maybe it feels platonic on your side. You cannot help how you feel op so I would just end it now.

When i started to read your post i was thinking you should end it , but when you talked further about previous relationships it's really made me think you should wait , i think the issues may be yours , you may know if he is right for you by waiting longer.
He may be just what you need.

I would definitely give it more time. He sounds lovely.

Look into the future. Can you see a future with him? Could you imagine living with him?

I was in exactly the same situation, met a great guy who adored me, treated me really well and he was lovely. But it just wasn't there for me. I spent 5 years with him but in my heart I knew he wasn't my forever and in the end I finished it. I felt I was being massively unfair to him and that he (and I) deserved more. It's hard and I miss him but I miss him as a friend and not a partner. If you're not sure after 5 months then he's not the one for you. If you haven't fallen in love with him by now then you're not going to. I guess it depends on what you want though. If it's a quiet life and stability you want then you could carry on, but it is quite unfulfilling.

That's what I was trying to say but you put it far more clearly!