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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Breaking up with someone lovely

41 replies

isntitapip · 24/08/2022 13:54

I really need some help with this. Started seeing a lovely kind man a few months ago but I'm just not feeling it. I've tried to stick with it hoping he was a slow burner but it just doesn't feel right. On paper he's perfect. Ticks all the boxes, we get on very well, he's thoughtful, intelligent, kind, considerate, solvent etc. I need to end it but I just can't find the right words. He's not done anything wrong. He really really likes me and he doesn't deserve what's coming. Please can someone help me with words and with the courage to do it? I know I'm being awful letting it drag on when I know it's not right but I keep chickening out

OP posts:

Gloschick · 29/08/2022 08:42

If you broke up with him, how you would feel in a month's time, if you walked down the high street and saw your dp walking past with a new gf hand in hand looking blissfully happy? How would you feel if there was a crash on the M4 and you were waiting to see if he was caught up in it? Sometimes helps clarify your thoughts.
I agree with PP. Give it some time.

Quitelikeacatslife · 29/08/2022 08:52

Do you like spending time with him? Do you feel happy when you are with him? If so then maybe be careful to chuck this away.

rita12345 · 29/08/2022 09:09

Doesn't the stomach flip thing wear off after a while?

Just carry on for now. See what happens

ImustLearn2Cook · 29/08/2022 09:20

@isntitapip I read an article about an interview with Michael Palin about the secret to a long lasting, happy marriage. He has been married to his wife, Helen for over 50 years.

I thought I would copy and paste what he said as I think it might give you a fresh perspective. And a different way to look at your relationship before you make your decision.

Palin revealed the primary source of his enduring romance with Helen is simply enjoying time together.
He said: “What is the really important thing in a relationship, what is the main thing?”

“Sex, or going to the theatre, or having lots of friends, or whatever?

“None of that matters.
“There’s something underneath that works, that you’re happy to be with somebody for an awful lot of the time.”
He added: “The more time you spend together, the more things you have to share, the less likely it is that you want to throw all that away.”

www.express.co.uk/celebrity-news/1117891/Michael-Palin-wife-Helen-Gibbins-secret-to-a-long-marriage/amp

Calphurnia88 · 29/08/2022 09:31

I've been there before. He came along at the right time, but after a year or so it was clear it was never really going to be more than a friendship (from my side). It got to a point where it would have been cruel to continue it, since he made it clear he saw a long future together (the thought of which made me feel trapped).

If you're sure you're not feeling it, I think the kindest thing to do is end it. Don't drag it out, just say (in your own words) that whilst you've had a lovely time you don't see a future together.

Original poster

isntitapip · 29/08/2022 13:16

This is really useful, thank you for taking the time to respond and help me work this out.
I've not digested all the responses, I will do so tonight but I've skimmed over and as a quick reply: yes he does have my back. He would make an excellent long term prospect and step parent to my children (no more are on the cards for either of us).
The sex has been average, it needs work, but he's certainly the type I can be comfortable enough with to do that.
He's supported and helped me this weekend with things he utterly did not have to do and really went above and beyond what I'd expect and it's really blown me away.
I think the idea of hanging on, going some reading (thanks for the recs I will look them up) is a good one. I just don't want to do wrong by him. I've been as honest as I can, he doesn't judge me for it, that in itself is a novelty.

OP posts:

thistooshallpass162637 · 29/08/2022 13:33

isntitapip · 28/08/2022 19:35

I'm starting to change my mind. I just don't know what to do. He is the kindest man I've ever met. I've honestly never had someone be so nice to me. He just doesn't make my heart race or my stomach do flips. I know that goes away eventually but surely it should start there? Im just worried if I get rid of him I'll always regret it because I'll never find anyone who treats me this nicely.
Or is it that my bar is set so low that when I find a good one I think it's unusual?

Yeah, been there and with exactly that line of thinking of not finding anyone else like him, I ended up married and having kids. I now met someone else that makes my heart race and my stomach flips and butterflies like never ever. He feels the same about me but guess what? I'm married to the wrong person! Very very messy!
I now have to end a marriage that I didn't start on the right foot and I knew it.
Please, please, please, as lovely as he is do not keep going if you aren't absolutely in love with him. We all know how that feels. And you know deep down if you aren't there. And he is.
Please, think.

Original poster

isntitapip · 29/08/2022 19:01

Thanks for the replies. I've read them all in more detail now.
To be clear, I'm not having more kids, his are older teens/young adults so he is too. I'm also happy living on my own and am financially comfortable, as is he. My children also see their dad regularly so I'm not looking for a step dad though he'd be amazing.
I do like spending time with him. I'd not go as far as saying I live it and can't wait to see him again but I do look forward to it. I'm also very happy to do things without him.
I'm going to give it a couple more months. It's only been 3 months, it's not that long, and I really need to change my habits and do something different or I'm constantly going to go for the wrong men.
Thank you for the reading recommendations. I will be following up on them too

OP posts:

RandomMess · 29/08/2022 19:05

Sounds like you are addicted to rejection. What was your relationship with your father like?

Original poster

isntitapip · 29/08/2022 19:49

Addicted to rejection? That's a new angle I've not heard before. What has made you say that?
Relationship with my father is good. He's a good man, my parents have a good solid relationship.
My mum could have been better. I always knew I didn't want to be like her when I grew up and I've often rebelled against anything similar to her (for ex nothing was ever allowed to be a mess. My house is a tip most of the time.she never worked, I refused to give up work and I'm very proud of my career).
Interesting. She had a stable relationship with the only man she ever slept with and I've slept around and looked for excitement rather than stability

OP posts:

LiamNorfolk · 29/08/2022 20:27

He was afflicted by "nice guy" syndrome which generally speaking won't work for women.

Women want to be treated like garbage to some degree to spark romantic feelings.

narcissism, psychopathy and machiavellianism are what women want in men, but only good looking men

ManAboutTown · 29/08/2022 22:00

I've had to do this twice - it is very painful at the time but in the long run better for all concerned.

One was because her attitude to sex seemed rooted in the 1950s and the other was because (rather like you) there was no spark. It's really hard particularly if many other things are working well but there's no long term in this

Seahorsefan · 30/08/2022 21:14

OP I got married to the man you’ve just described. Kind, caring, he was perfect husband material in my eyes.
There Was never any spark there though and I was never sexually excited by him.
it led to huge problems in our relationship as I actually started dreading sex with him and 14 years in, we’re getting divorced.
So I actually think you need some spark , otherwise you’re best friends only
good luck

PastMidnight · 30/08/2022 21:18

isntitapip · 24/08/2022 13:54

Say "I've really enjoyed our time together but I don't see it leading to a long-term relationship".

It's not offensive and it's hard to argue with. Nobody has done anything wrong, you just don't feel the romance.

It's never easy to end a relationship but it's cruel to carry on when you know it's not going anywhere.

Catullus5 · 31/08/2022 02:46

What about him? Do you think you will be able to make him happy?

teezletangler · 31/08/2022 02:58

Having read your updates OP, I'm now leaning towards the idea that maybe you should just do the brave thing and call it a day.

Average sex, neither of you are looking for more children, you're financially stable and happy living alone- I don't actually see a compelling reason to stick with this. My advice would be different if you were wanting to get married and start a family, which is an entirely different relationship proposition.

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