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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this domestic abuse?

26 replies

Ellen2 · 23/08/2022 23:00

I feel like I’m living a double life. When things are good they’re really good but when they’re bad they are bad. I think things are getting worse. I’ve been married 5 years and have two little boys , 2 year old and a 4 year old. DH is a great dad and can be a caring loving husband.

However suddenly things can turn nasty, it could be that the house is untidy a little bc we have two small kids and he’ll fly into a rage about it. I feel like I’m constantly on egg shells and can’t fully relax.

we seem like the perfect couple , we love entertaining etc, throw good parties . But underneath there is this real nastiness .

this weekend we went to a friends bbq, he got drunk and in the car on the way home , it’s was 8pm so I wanted to the kids to fall asleep in the car but he kept playing with them really loudly and screaming . I had an awful migraine so I asked him to be quiet and to also let them sleep. He said ‘ I don’t give a shit about your migraine.’

then later on in the drive he turned on his phone on with a loud video and it woke my son up, so I asked him to turn it off bc it woke my boy off . He called me a mother fu*r whilst my 4 year old heard all this .

once we’d parked up at the house he went to get one of the kids out and I remained in the car bc I didn’t want to go in yet.

he came down in a rage trying to force the seat forward to get the younger one out saying ‘ get out of my fuc* car , out of fuc** house and everything else that I’ve paid for . I was so mad I said , we’ll I’ll divorce you and take half of it. Anyway fast forward two days later he is ignoring me.

the abuse is just getting worse what am I supposed to do? I feel like I’m a doormat taking this . He’s obv now turned it on me bc I said the divorce thing in anger bc everything he has said to me.

I don’t want my kids growing up listening to this thinking this is normal behaviour.

OP posts:
Inamess2022 · 23/08/2022 23:04

Leave. Please leave, I’ve just got out of similar and no doubt that it’s hard from an emotional and financial perspective but no one deserves this treatment, no one deserves to be called vile names in front of their children. You all deserve so much better. Early days for me but already that feeling of walking on eggshells is going rapidly.

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 23/08/2022 23:06

Yes OP, this is abuse.

Please speak to Woman's Aid for advice;

www.womensaid.org.uk/about-us/contact/

tiredtiredtiredd · 23/08/2022 23:07

Definitely abuse. Leave now, focus on yourself and your kids and don't look back!

DramaAlpaca · 23/08/2022 23:14

Yes, OP. That's abuse. I'm sorry you are having to deal with that, it's really not OK. You deserve so much better.

pumpkinpie01 · 23/08/2022 23:24

Your boys must be scared not knowing when he will fly into a rage . They must not grow up thinking this is normal and that's how men treat women .

Pansypotter123 · 23/08/2022 23:46

This is abuse and you need to look towards divorcing him.

What is your housing situation and financial position?

Contact Women's Aid and also the police.

Contact local solicitors for initial legal advice.

Dery · 24/08/2022 07:08

Agreed - this is abuse and a bad example for your DCs. He sounds horrible. All relationships are good when they’re going well - the measure of a good relationship is what it’s like when things are bad. The sulking and inability to accept responsibility for doing wrong are also typical abuser signs.

Shoxfordian · 24/08/2022 07:20

It sounds abusive and as though you should do what you said and divorce him

Ellen2 · 24/08/2022 08:24

hes still ignoring me, I know he’s holding the divorce comment against me. He clearly remembers everything despite being drunk.

I just don’t even know where to begin. We’ve had counselling in the past but he doesn’t accept responsibility for his actions. He’ll say that ‘ once he’s let his anger out then he feels better ‘ and seems to think that is ok.

meanwhile I’ve been taking antidepressants because of all the anxiety I feel. What do I do now , I just want to run away but I can’t. Do I just leave ?

OP posts:
GreenManalishi · 24/08/2022 08:33

Marriage counseling isnt what you need here, you need to get in touch with womens aid, see a solicitor and prepare to leave him.

Do not share any of this with him.

crystalize · 24/08/2022 08:35

You said the house and everything you paid for... is the house in your name? So what if he's holding your comment about the divorce against you. That should be exactly what you want.

It sounds like he's ground you down so you're resolve is weakened. He probably doesn't believe you're serious as you've put up with his awful behaviour for so long. I know it's hard but you must start to feel outraged and anger at his abuse towards you and start taking action.

You've had some good advice on here re calling Womens Aid, local domestic abuse services, police etc. One of these services could recommend a solicitor. Don't tell him any of this, start making plans as you can't carry on like this. Any more escalations don't hesitate in calling the police so they can remove him from your home. Good luck !

crystalize · 24/08/2022 08:37

Forgot to ask, do you have relatives you could go and stay with for a while if you're feeling overwhelmed? Or anywhere else you could go?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/08/2022 08:44

This is abuse, please take heed of what other posters have written. Do contact Womens Aid (they also have an online chat facility) and seek legal advice re divorce asap. You can go into Boots and ask for ANI (their staff will direct you to domestic violence support services).

He has done a real number on you to get you to this point. Abuse is about power and control and this individual has wanted absolute over you.
I think your overall mood will lift markedly when he is no longer in your day to day life and it may well be that you will no longer need to take anti depressants (its likely his actions have caused you to be on those). Now he is giving you the silent treatment aka emotional abuse.

Joint counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship; these types of abusive men never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

He is NOT a good dad to his children if he can and does treat you as his wife and his childrens mother, abusively. He is in turn abusing them and it will do them no favours for them to see you as their mum being abused at their dad's hands. It is not your fault nor theirs he has decided to conduct his own private based war against you.

IodineQueen · 24/08/2022 08:49

Please get out of this. I had a father who constantly flew into rages. I lived perpetually on edge, terrified of upsetting him, terrified of his anger towards my mum. I developed severe MH problems as a teenager and am still traumatised as an adult. I’ve been in abusive relationship after abusive relationship because as a PP said, I grew up thinking this was an acceptable way to treat women. I’m in my 30s now and have come to accept I will never get over it. It’s damaging to you and it’s damaging to your children.

Justcallmebebes · 24/08/2022 09:03

I hope you can find a way to leave and please remember for the future, he is not a great dad. A great dad does not terrify his young children

Justcallmebebes · 24/08/2022 09:03

Or their mother for that matter

IsJohnReadyToMakeAComeback · 24/08/2022 09:26

Yep, you need to leave. Any family who could help ? Call the police on him ?

Ellen2 · 24/08/2022 09:36

The house is in both our names, but yes he paid for it because he earns 10x what I earn. Starting to feel like it’s not my house because of the way he behaves.

I’m contacting womens aid now .

There isn’t anyone I can stay with really. My dad died a year ago and that’s the most difficult part. I feel like he knows I don’t have anywhere to turn to.

OP posts:
mrsparsnip · 24/08/2022 09:40

Yes, it is abuse. It is emotional abuse towards you and the children. As another poster has said, your children are witnessing this, and it may very well affect their mental health.

He is using coercive control over you as well 'the house and car [his] money bought'. He is reminding you that you are dependent on him. His behaviour is dangerous, and counselling has not helped.

I would urge you to get out whilst the children are young. I feared leaving because it would mean I would have no means to provide for my children and myself. I feared they would experience the poverty I grew up with. Believe me, I made the wrong decision. You and your sons are not safe in this environment.

TooHotToTangoToo · 24/08/2022 09:52

What do you do now?

You speak to women aid and then to a solicitor and start divorce proceedings. Don't worry about the house or money for now, that will all be worked out as part o f the divorce

Look after yourself and children

DemelzaandRoss · 24/08/2022 09:59

Absolutely finish this marriage. You & the DC will be happier without him. Good luck with Woman’s Aid.
If he becomes violent (as he sounds he could), call the Police immediately.

Ellen2 · 25/08/2022 22:51

Thanks for all the messages. Finally we spoke yesterday after ignoring me since Monday morning. I told him what he had said and he said he didn’t remember and that he was embarrassed about what had happened. He was sorry. I’ve not forgiven him obviously. I feel like he is trying to act like normal.

I am still so angry. I can’t forgive him. I feel like he apologises and then it’ll happen again. F

OP posts:
allboysherebutme · 25/08/2022 22:56

Do what you said divorce him, while your kids are still young enough to forget.
Go to the council explain your situation and see what they will do to help you. X

iamjustwinginglife · 25/08/2022 23:08

I completely understand why you want this to be the last time but you really can't bring your children up in this environment. I split with my ex when my children were 2&5 and his behaviour was very similar-it's better to get them out sooner rather than later before they see and hear too much.

Maytodecember · 25/08/2022 23:55

Yes it will happen again. He lets his anger out and then feels better? He should realise he cannot do this in front of children. Each time your two boys are learning this is how men treat women.
Doesn’t matter if he earns more, pays the mortgage it’s a50/50 asset of the marriage.
Start to plan leaving. See a solicitor, take the children to a refuge— there you’ll have support and advice and you’ll all be safe.
Stay strong, you need to do this for yourself and your children.