How many dates before you make things exclusive?

[Breannafivelli]

Been seeing someone I met on OLD for a few weeks now. We've had approximately six dates. The last two have been sleepovers, which for me marked a bit of a turning point.

The dates aren't just dinner/drinks. They tend to be full days out together, planned activities etc.

We've seen eachother every weekend for the past month but he still hasn't given any sign of wanting to have a conversation about exclusivity or where we're headed.

On my side I'm not OK with the idea of being one of multiple people he might be dating, and to be honest if he wasn't at least a little enthusiastic at this point about the idea of making things exclusive, I'd probably take that to mean that he just sees us as being casual which isn't really what I'm looking for.

So my question, I suppose, is is six dates too soon to have that talk? If the person you were dating raised the question now would you think they were a bit needy/intense?

If I, the woman, am the one raising the topic, is that also a bad omen? If he were seriously interested in me do you think he would have mentioned it himself by now?

If you want to be exclusive, why don't you have the conversation? Then you know where you stand.

TBH though, if he hasn't raised it yet and you are already sleeping together I imagine he assumes you are casual.

If you don't want to see him on a casual basis, then you can walk away.

You are entitled to have needs and preferences in a relationship. It is not needy or intense to ask the person you are sleeping with, whether they intend to sleep with other people too.

I started talking to a man 3 months ago, we've only been able to see each other 5 times but around 7 weeks in we had a weekend away.
I casually asked if he was still speaking to other women/on any dating apps (we met through mutual friends). He looked shocked and said of course not, he'd assumed (correctly) that I wasn't either.
I don't think it's too early for you to broach the subject.

Having needs in a relationship doesn't make you needy. If you want to be exclusive, tell him that. Otherwise how will you get what you want? I told my DP that if he wanted a sexual relationship with me, I required exclusivity, about 5 dates in. He laughed and said he had already deleted the app we met on. It wasn't just the need for the emotional security of exclusivity, I have a very busy life and if I'm going to make time for someone I want to know I am their priority too. But we are both older, with kids and post divorce so we have zero desire to play the field anyway. When I was younger I let men call the shots in our relationships because I was afraid of seeming needy or demanding but now I realise that's just shortchanging myself.

If you ask him what status he feels your relationship is and he doesn't give the right answer don't see him again.

I wouldn't have sex without having that conversation first personally. I would want to know that he was interested in a relationship with me.

When I was younger I let men call the shots in our relationships because I was afraid of seeming needy or demanding but now I realise that's just shortchanging myself.

Good point. I would start the conversation now.

The thing is, there's not a standard view on this as not everyone sees a talk about exclusivity as necessary but some would assume you were seeing others until stating otherwise. I think it's quite a new thing that's come in with OLD, at least in UK dating culture. Therefore it may not be that this guy isn't interested in exclusively seeing you, it may have not occurred to him to ask. It's a good idea to confirm.

Me, I checked with my new BF before we had sex and he laughed, asking who else did I think he would want to be seeing?

Before sex is a good opportunity as you can say you don't wish to sleep with someone if there are others on the scene but not to worry if that's already happened. Next time you see him, just start the conversation and say you'd like to ask as you've spent quite a bit of time together now. Is he still seeing anyone else or open to looking, or happy to see how things go just the two of you as that's what you'd like to do?

Have the conversation, but be prepared to walk away if you are not on the same page.

Definitely bring the conversation up if he hasn't.

You need to find out if you both are on the same page and want the same things.

I muddled along with a situationship which I thought might have been exclusive and it turns out it wasn't and that really hurt and looking back it was a complete waste of time and was preventing me finding a proper connection with someone.

Now when I date I'm very clear that of course I want to have fun and good sex, but with someone who is also looking for long term - even if it doesn't work out with me.

I think 6 weeks in is about right to have that chat. I think it was about that time when I asked my partner to be my girlfriend. I also think it's something that you can get a clue from with earlier dates and what that person wants from life. I've always wanted a life partner rather a string of casual hook ups. I did about 60 + first dates over a couple of years or so, only a couple of which progressed in to something.

I would probably have confirmed this before having sex, so I would do it now.

Why are you waiting for him to bring him up? what can't you simply communicate your expectations?

I would also have started discussing this before you slept with him too.

Many men when doing OLD will just date and sleep with multiple women with no intention to have a relationship.

Yeah, similar here - was dating a guy for a few months and assumed it was exclusive until he dropped in very casually a conversation he had been having with another woman on a dating app. Lesson learned.

I have been with my dp for 3 years now and when agreed we wanted to be exclusive after 2 dates.

Exclusivity doesn't have to mean commitment. Just that you only focus on each other while you get to know one another. Fwiw, I had the chat about 2 months in and we'd both slept with other people while dating before that

Someone can feign exclusivity and interest in a relationship only to get sex on the tap though

It's not too soon, in fact I would bring it up if he didn't by the time he wants to sleep with me. I would want to know his intentions, its not a big deal to ask him to just concentrate on you if it's going somewhere, if he hesitates then he's not that into you.

Yes it's true some men lie @Musttryharder2021 it's not something they could keep up without seeming shady.

I’ll probably get flamed for this but in my experience the guys that are genuinely into you and see it progressing are keen to lock things down quite quickly so they don’t run the risk of you multi dating and going off with someone else!

Your only real solution at this point is to ask him unfortunately.

''@ChickPeaChic
I’ll probably get flamed for this but in my experience the guys that are genuinely into you and see it progressing are keen to lock things down quite quickly so they don’t run the risk of you multi dating and going off with someone else!
Your only real solution at this point is to ask him unfortunately.''

Completely agree.

I think if the guy is in no hurry to discuss anything he is simply not that into you and is enjoying the ride while it lasts...

He doesn't mind if you are still dating other people and is not concerned you might find someone else that you like more than him. So to me it is a clear sign he is not seeing you as long-term, girlfriend material or that a relationship is not high on his life priorities.

First date we said we just wanted to get to know each other and not chat to other people. Second date we were 100% exclusive and talking about a future together. I think when you know you know.

Agree with @ChickPeaChic. An interested man will make it known very quickly that he’s focusing on only you and would like exclusivity. After two weeks of speaking every day and on our very first date, bf asked if we could concentrate on just us. We had the exclusivity chat before intimacy. But why wait? Ask and you will know either way!

My ex asked me 2 weeks on after 3 dates. If you're sleeping together you have every right to want exclusivity and it's certainly not needy, it's protecting your sexual health at a minimum.

It's sad that you'd have to have this talk with someone you're dating like this. I'd assume he isn't seeing anyone else.

Horse bolted but why didn't you ask him when he would be exclusive before you met? I know it's too late for that now but don't let someone else dictate your relationship.