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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I being unfair by holding onto this given my own behaviour?

26 replies

Evoung · 23/08/2022 16:38

DP wasn’t great in my pregnancy. He would visit (worked away) and clearly want to leave. I’d call when he was home and he’d be drunk…so left me to have a session alone. He was brutal to me when I had a virus in pregnancy, I struggled for a couple of days and he asked if he could pick me up rather than come to me (around an hour drive). I said I couldn’t move and felt awful. He begrudgingly got food from the local Tesco express and then announced he wanted to go back to his base as he had stuff to do. These are a few examples. I didn’t take it well and was verbally very awful to him, said he was shit a bastard and didn’t care about me or the baby. I also threw my sandwich across the room in anger (not at him I hasten to add).

i have apologised for all this quite a lot. But he doesn’t even acknowledge his part in any of it. He maintains I was out of order (I was) but that he doesn’t owe me an apology and I was just demanding.

I feel really uncomfortable about this. Wondering if maybe he’s correct and I’m remembering it wrongly. Or simply me sweating and getting angry cancels out anything he did. I’m finding it hard to be around him when he seems to act like he did nothing wrong. Am I being unfair by holding onto this given my own behaviour?

OP posts:

Original poster

Evoung · 23/08/2022 16:39

*swearing not sweating!

OP posts:

Hallmark1234 · 23/08/2022 16:46

Please stop apologising to him. I think your behaviour is totally understandable, given how he treated you, but now he feels what's he done is ok.

You can't make people like or respect you, if they don't. You need to work on your own self esteem and don't expect anything from him, apart from financial support, then try to get away from him, as he won't change.

Original poster

Evoung · 23/08/2022 16:50

@Hallmark1234 thanks. I’m hesitant to just walk away but I’m finding it so hard being around him when he’s never once said ‘by the way I know I wasn’t great when x happened’ etc.

him not addressing it makes me think he considers it ok.

ive asked him directly about it but he goes silent and refuses to speak about it. It makes me feel like I’ve been some monster and I’m holding onto something really insignificant, yet at the time these things felt huge to me. I don’t know if I’m looking back thinking it was worse than it was.

OP posts:

DogsAndGin · 23/08/2022 16:51

Why on earth are you remotely interested in this man? He is clearly not interested in you. Sorry to be so blunt, but he is not your partner, he is not joining forces with you as a partner would, and you don’t sound as though you live together as a family household preparing to raise a child together. Bin him off.

Original poster

Evoung · 23/08/2022 16:54

@DogsAndGin we are together he just has some weeks working away. This happened during one of those weeks and he clearly didn’t want to see me you’re right. But usually he was fine, when things were more convenient.

do you think I overreacted? I don’t know if I should just get over it and accept I was shit back to him and that’s that

OP posts:

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 23/08/2022 16:54

Your first mistake was apologising. He's taken that as you taking total responsibility. Get rid

Aquamarine1029 · 23/08/2022 16:56

You're only unreasonable because you're still with this shitbag of a man. Why are your standards so low?

Original poster

Evoung · 23/08/2022 16:56

@Oblahdeeoblahdoe but I am sorry for swearing and throwing the sandwich. I feel like I should be sorry for that and I wanted to acknowledge it. I guess I expected him to be equally as self aware of his own treatment of me.

OP posts:

Nagado · 23/08/2022 16:57

him not addressing it makes me think he considers it ok He does think his actions were ok. Worse than that, he thinks you were being demanding and out of order because you told him his behaviour was shit. You and your pregnancy were an inconvenience to him.

This is not a man who is concerned about your welfare or the welfare of his child. If you stay, you will never be able to rely on him to help you when things get tough. You will be on your own. Completely.

Original poster

Evoung · 23/08/2022 16:58

@Aquamarine1029 but swearing and throwing food wasn’t great either was it. I should have apologised for that and I’m glad I have. I thought he would also consider how he’d treated me and given that he hasn’t, I feel really confused and uncomfortable

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 23/08/2022 17:02

Evoung · 23/08/2022 16:58

Stop gaslighting yourself. You got upset for very, very good reason. Your partner is worthless. Why are you making excuses for him? You really think he is all you deserve?

Nagado · 23/08/2022 17:02

Personally, I don’t think swearing and throwing food was that much of an over reaction, especially as you didn’t throw it at him and he was behaving like an utter arsehole.

You sound like you want someone to say ‘yes, you over reacted. Just move on and things will settle down and be fine again’. But things will only be fine all the time you’re not asking more from him than he can be arsed to give you. And that’s not much. It’s not a partnership. It’s you walking on eggshells trying not to ask him for too much in case he rejects you.

Original poster

Evoung · 23/08/2022 17:05

im also worried he won’t see dc if I move out. He’s quite wrapped up in work etc snd I can definitely see him just not being involved if I walk away

OP posts:

1Ta1T · 23/08/2022 17:06

What sort of sandwich was it?

Seriously, you are not being treated with respect and unless things change the relationship will not be the source of happiness for you.

If your partner thinks what he has done is something that is acceptable, it will set the tone for the remainder of the relationship; so he needs to truly understand that either there is a heartfelt reset from him or the relationship will have to end.

Original poster

Evoung · 23/08/2022 17:08

@1Ta1T a subway sandwich, why do you ask? That made me smile!

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 23/08/2022 17:09

He's a wanker.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/08/2022 17:10

What Nagado wrote. I think you acted as you did purely because you were under extreme provocation from him.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Why is your relationship bar so low in the first place?.

Such types of man only care about their own selves. If this man cannot be bothered with his child going forward that is his choice. You have a choice re this man and your child does not. Make better choices for you and your child. It will do your child no favours at all for he/she to be seeing this dysfunctional relationship as they grow up.

Surtsey · 23/08/2022 17:12

Evoung · 23/08/2022 16:50

@Hallmark1234 thanks. I’m hesitant to just walk away but I’m finding it so hard being around him when he’s never once said ‘by the way I know I wasn’t great when x happened’ etc.

him not addressing it makes me think he considers it ok.

Of course he considers his behaviour to be ok. Abusers think like that. All the hideous abuse they hand out is fine by them, they get a kick out of doing it, and will justify it endlessly.

Does that make it ok? Of course not. And all you did was respond to his abusive behaviour. Look up DARVO. He is making out that you are at fault, not him. People like this will never admit to being in the wrong, because in their warped eyes, they're not.

Please don't stay with this disgusting individual.

Sswhinesthebest · 23/08/2022 17:13

It’s best the baby doesn’t get to know dad, rather than build a relationship until they are older then “lose” dad.

Original poster

Evoung · 23/08/2022 17:16

He’s quite a vulnerable man though in the sense that he’s come from a dysfunctional background. He’s done really well for himself considering.

He’s said lovely things in the past but generally quite emotionally immature for his age (42). I have moments where I think oh gosh he’s lovely really, he means well. But then when things aren’t going his way he doesn’t cope well at all. He gets quite stressed I think so maybe it’s more than that he’s being unkind.

the virus thing just really hurt me. As did the way he seemed to think it was a huge inconvenience to see me. I couldn’t understand it.

OP posts:

ExtraOnion · 23/08/2022 17:19

This sounds very familiar … have you posted about this before?

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 23/08/2022 17:24

Cue all the people who don’t have to cope with breaking up and living as a single parent to urge you to leave.

IME, men often just move on from arguments and disagreements, they just don’t dwell on them as women tend to . I think you’ve got as far as you are going to get with the rehashing, because he is not interested and isn’t going to participate.

you have two options, really. One is to follow all the advice and stomp off. The other is to do what he’s doing, which is to shrug and say, so what, water under the bridge, move on.

So it comes down to : do you love him? Do you think he loves you and your (mutual) child? Do you think your life will be better if you can move on together?He may never be much for discussing his feelings, perhaps he doesn’t do the caring right, but you might be able to grow into a good life together if you (both) can accept your differences. After all, he doesn’t seem to hold the sandwich throwing against you, which some men would never let you forget!

I hope you can work it out, hard times are coming, two is better than one.

xxx

Surtsey · 23/08/2022 17:24

He's 42. He's a grown-up who should be able to control his behaviour by now.

His background and emotional immaturity is irrelevant. You are not his saviour, or this therapist, so don't martyr yourself.

AgentJohnson · 23/08/2022 17:51

You are focussing on the wrong thing. If you are in a relationship and for whatever reason, it triggers poor behaviour from side, then that is the time leave. Throwing things and swearing is not OK and ‘I only did it because the other person did x, y and z’ is not an excuse.

If you walk away, he may well have no contact with his child but that’s not your responsibility, it’s his. Some men have used that as excuse not to see their child but that’s all what that is, an excuse.

This is who he is, the less of a dick version of him is not waiting around the corner.

Elsiebear90 · 23/08/2022 18:01

Haven’t you posted about this before? Where he accused you of being abusive because you threw a sandwich? You got pregnant despite using condoms and he started grilling you about how you got pregnant? Your mum thinks he was lying about wanting to be a dad?

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