My friend sent me this thread as it mirrors my situation- except I was married. 18 years. Lots of control issues. The financial control was the worst - zero money given for anything - although I could ask for money and explain what I needed it for and he might give me a contribution. Lots of silent treatment during the marriage if I didn’t do what he wanted or if I asserted myself.
He always hid his wealth and assets. I never knew his income other than seeing that he bought himself very expensive cars and ran a successful business. I was a p/t stay at home mum with 3 kids. He paid mortgage/bills. I struggled to pay for clothing, things for kids, holidays, my car/petrol etc…I worked 1-2 days a week and lived off that. He offset his tax against mine so I ended up paying most of my earnings out in tax (and childcare fees).
Why did I stay so long? I thought it could be worse: I lived in a nice house; he wasn’t physically aggressive. I was scared to leave as I hadn’t enough money to rent somewhere. The marital home was in his name and I had moved in with him - he made it clear that I would be the one moving out. If ever I said I wanted a divorce he would reply ‘you are not taking the kids’. I felt powerless. How could I leave with 3 kids and nowhere to live? My self esteem was non-existent. I went for counselling for 2 years before I finally left. I had managed to keep £10k in the bank (a savings account from pre-marriage that I had kept secret on my mums good advice!).
When I eventually left, he said he would never pay maintenance, would never give me a penny, and wanted the kids 50%. I had no choice as I needed to earn to afford to live and couldn’t do that and look after kids full time. I accepted. It was ok - I needed the break from the kids anyway as we were moving into a small 2 bedroom house. The marital home had 7 bedrooms, so we had a period of adjustment, but the kids found it an exciting adventure and argued about who got to sleep on the floor - we only had 2 beds to start with - and later, when I bought a second hand bed settee (a triumphant find in a charity shop, who delivered it for £10), they argued about who got to ‘camp’ in the lounge :) The days that he had the kids I worked long hours to earn as much as possible. I managed. I lived frugally, which i was good at from my married days! Mums from school handed down their kids’ old uniforms and clothing. I got furniture from charity shops. I collected fire wood from local woods to heat the house (i was worried about affording the heating bills). I even managed to take the kids on holiday for a week each year.
My biggest mistake was not breaking into his home office before leaving to photograph his pensions, his bank statements, his other assets. (He changed the locks on the house the day I left). It cost me a fortune through solicitors to get this information- and then it was not truthful information/full disclosure. I tried to take it to court but too costly, so my financial settlement was not as it ought to have been. And it took 4.5 years to get!
I was terrified at the start but it was empowering. The biggest financial drain and worry was paying my solicitor for divorce proceedings. My ex failed to respond to any legal matters. It has been a long, hard road. Emotionally and physically draining. Financially terrifying. There have been some exceedingly low points. But I survived. Now I am rebuilding my life. I have lots of friends. I can afford to do things I want. My kids are happy, well adjusted, doing well at school. I have increased my earnings substantially. I miss my beautiful, old marital home, but that is all. He continues to have the kids 50% but he passes this care to others. He has a paid housekeeper and gardener. He buys takeaways. He seems happy. He still blames me for leaving him: he says it was my ‘choice’. I am glad I made the ‘choice’.