He never listens to a thing I say

[Dozeydate]

Does any one else's other half do this? Communication in miniscule in the relationship as it is. Most of the conversation is about the children, and anything other just goes unheard on his behalf. I will listen to anything he has to say, but he doesn't talk to me much at all about anything unless it is rubbing his ego. I ask questions but he never gives me any detailed answers. When I do try and talk to him about his day, it feels like a one way conversation. When I try to tell him about my day he will literally walk off, not because he's busy, he will walk off into the garden, or another room while I'm mid-sentence. Or he will completely interrupt my sentence by making an unrelated closed comment, or he will turn to the kids and start talking to them instead. I can even stop what i'm saying mid sentence and he will not even realise as he was not even listening in the first place. Gosh I feel so unheard. It's really annoying when the only company you have had all day is from young children and you can't even engage in adult conversation. I don't know if this is an issue or just me overreacting.

Of course it’s an issue; he should want to know what you think about things and want your opinions

I'm experiencing the exact same behaviour from my BF, it's classic signs of a Narcissist, not interested in what you have to say, but expects you to listen to his every word.

It’s been going on for SO long. When I ask him why he says I’m over reacting, or simply out right that he has no time for small talk. He’s not interested in my job, or my interests. I’m becoming quite lonely! If I broach this though, then I’m daft or he will go on to tell me that “I don’t know how good I have it” and end the conversation.

The longer you stay, the more likely it is that your children will think this is a normal and acceptable dynamic in a relationship. That in turn means they are more and more likely to replicate it as adults.

Please don't spend your life with someone you can't have easy, fun and mutually respectful discussions and chats with.

For your sake as well as the kids'.

The worst thing is, I know all this 😭 but then I tell myself a broken home could be worse. It’s the worries isn’t it, about the lifestyle change, the financial side of things. There’s a big age gap, we had children very soon. He’s a high earner, we aren’t married, he owns the house and the car and rightfully so tells me if I want to leave, then I leave with nothing other than the kids. He wants 50% custody if we do split up, which I can’t fight as he has his rights and I would never restrict my children of their dad, they have a great relationship. I would realistically be starting from scratch and with nothing! I’ve never lived alone either. There are obviously more than just communication issues behind all this but goodness going it alone and making such big decisions is so scary!

Phrases like 'broken home' are what keep people in rubbish relationships and keep their children witnessing unhealthy, unhappy dynamics they're likely to replicate themselves as adults, continuing the cycle.

It's a phrases loaded with shame and guilt when actually, parents splitting up and sharing parental responsibilities so children aren't living in a toxic environment 100% of the time, is far better for them.

If they have a great relationship with him and he steps up to do 50:50 then that's best for them. I understand it's terribly tough to imagine as you'd miss them that 50% of the time but isn't it better for them in the long term to have two happy, healthy parents who show them that staying in a toxic relationship isn't more important than mental health and a happy life?

He’s a high earner, we aren’t married, he owns the house and the car and rightfully so tells me if I want to leave, then I leave with nothing other than the kids.

This of course is the issue you need to prioritise and that means engaging a shit hot lawyer. Because he sounds like an arsehole.

This is why time and time again on MN women are begged to marry before giving up their financial security and being in this position, but what's done is done.

Do you have supportive family who may help with legal fees in the short term, even if it means paying them back over time?

What do you mean, you've never lived alone? (If you don't mind me asking.)

I totally agree, the way society has made these perceptions of “broken homes”

I honestly have nothing, my family aren’t well off at all, I got in this relationship when I was 21 and had a baby at 22 without securing any financial independence. Believe me I would not advise this for my daughter! I have worked part time, but with the cost of child care it’s never really accumulated much, I’ve also studied my ass off in the evenings when I realised years ago that I was so financially vulnerable, which has given me a better job now, but with the cost of living I’d be lucky to afford rent and energy bills let alone anything else! I’m In the dark about most things that relate to the cost of living, he is the main earner and I’m not even sure of how much he earns! Or the monthly outgoings, which doesn’t give me any confidence for being independent! He won’t let me go without but won’t be transparent either!

I went from living at home with my mum to living with him, so I’ve never had that true feeling of independence

It's not difficult to understand, she has never lived alone, she has always lived with someone, her parents, room mates, college dorm, house share, partner, children, lots of people have never lived alone including me, I lived with my parents until I moved in with a boyfriend, had a child, split up and moved home, lived with parents for a few years then moved out with child, now live with husband but never alone.

He wanted someone young and naive who could give him children, but he has zero interest in you as a person hence the reason he doesn’t want to hear what you have to say. Next time don’t listen what he has to say about his day, do the same, stand up mid conversation and walk out of the room. If he complains let him know that’s exactly what he does.

regarding a divorce from this jerk: book an appointment with a divorce lawyer and know how much you’re entitled to walk out with if you decide to leave.That “you will leave with nothing” phrase he keeps saying is bollocks.

we aren’t married! Im entitled to absolute nothing. I don’t even care about the money, I just wish I was more wise and secured enough of my own to gain independence. I just want to know if my relationship is normal or not! I always think about waking out mid conversation but it’s just not me! I love it when he tells me things as I feel like he’s letting me in and he is the only person/adult I will have spoken to that day.

He clearly has no respect for you when he doesn’t want to listen to you; I expect there’s other ways this shows itself as well

Do some research about what you can rent on your salary, what you can do to improve your finances and how you can leave

No it's not normal. I'm imagining your parents didn't have a great relationship, if you think it is. You desperately need to get out of this and find your independence. There are some lovely, kind, thoughtful men around but your first priority is to live without a man for a while. You need to bite the bullet and go for it. There's no getting around the fact that you will have much less money but in the long run you will need much much happier

That's insufferable, I'm so sorry.

That he should think absolutely nothing of you, it doesn't seem that this situation can be salvaged.

I hope you manage to extricate yourself, and soon.

My parents have a great relationship, the house was full of laughs and love growing up. As a previous poster said, I was probably just so impressionable at the age of 20! I’m not saying my partner is all bad, he’s absolutely not, that would be unfair to say that. Though after 12 years and 2 children, I can’t see the issues ever improving, it’s chronic lack of communication and involvement. It’s like I’m here to live in the shadows of his life, he’s in the driving seat! It was only the other day that I found out from reading the local paper that he has plans for a huge renovation on his company, which would cause a lot of stress to him (because renovations always are) and potential temporary closure of the business and when I ask him about it as to why he’s told the world before me and the kids I get told “because it probably won’t happen and it’s nothing to do with me as it’s his company” there’s actually nothing I can say to that!
Goodness Ive got a long stretch of uphill, I need to save some money!

Dozeydate

Better to be from a so called "broken home" than to remain in one.

And no this relationship is not at all normal although this has become your "norm". What sort of relationship example did your parents show you when you were growing up?. What did you learn about relationships from childhood?. This man targeted you at the age of 21 and deliberately to further exploit and use due to your age and no real life experience.

How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?. Such men too often bang on about wanting the kids 50% of the time to also avoid paying maintenance for their children. Its often used by abusive and or otherwise manipulative men as a way of keeping their chosen target, i.e you in this instance, in line. If he is a high earner how is he going to keep working full time whilst having the kids half the week; its not going to happen readily if at all. He's all hot air. If he wants to see his children then he sees them in a contact centre; do not ever make any informal arrangement with him. All this man cares about is his own self and only loves his own self. He does not care about his children because if he did you would be treated with far more respect, love and care.

You may not walk away with much but you can walk away with your head held high. You don't need him in your life; he needs you to facilitate his existence.

Saving money takes time, perhaps years even. You need to get yourself and the kids away from him long before then.

I do not feel like I am in an abusive relationship, communication is so little that’s it’s hard to have an argument anyway! I don’t feel I’m being abused, but disrespected maybe. There is absolutely no evidence where I prove any kind of abuse. His disrespect is subtle, and through body language, insults disguised as jokes, not acknowledging me when he walks in from work, silent treatments, making my job appear not to be important, but this is not all the time! There’s the good and bad like in most relationships but this makes it even harder to point out. He is a great provider financially and takes care of our needs but makes it clear that if I go I will leave with nothing other than 50% of the kids. I start a new post in a few weeks and reckon I can manage to put £500 a month away (while living as a couple) I will need rent deposit, car deposit, and money for furniture. It a seems like a lot to accomplish!

Being a doormat comes with a prize tag OP. And yes, your partner is a controlling jerk (with all my due respect). After two children and being a housewife while taking care of his kids he should have married you, he doesn’t because it’s his way of keeping you on a short lease. “You’ll walk with nothing if you step
out if this marriage” is a horrible and very manipulative thing to say to a partner.

I hope he’s good in other aspects because it sounds like a miserable situation.

It might not feel like abuse, and I really don't want you to feel any worse about yourself, but for example "silent treatments" is considered abusive.

I agree! And saying I’ll leave with nothing is a very mean thing to say, but he 100% means it. He’s already told me he will never ever want us to separate and if we do it will be my choice so I’ll leave with nothing as I came with nothing. He will purposely not accept any contributions to the mortgage as he doesn’t want me to have any hand in it at all… his trail of thinking just doesn’t equate to what I feel a family lifestyle should be. But I often get told by him that I don’t know how lucky I am to have a man like him, there’s no one better, and I’d be living in the gutter without him because he does so much for me. I’m genuinely worried I will be living at rock bottom without him and worry that I won’t be able to cope on my own and my kids will miss out of many of the comforts they have now. It such a big and scary decision.

And THIS is the reason why married women have put with soooo much crap for centuries 😢

But he might throw you out once the kids are bigger & you'll have to start from scratch then.

He's bullying you.

This man doesn’t want a partner OP, nor an equal, he wants a hired help: a “nanny-lover-cleaning lady-confidant” who he can fire on the spot if things don’t go his way. Of course he doesn’t want you on the mortgage!

Hired help have a salary, a contract and a retirement pension. You have none of those, which is exactly what he wants. What a selfish control freak.