I've kept my relationship secret from everyone for over a year....

[skyqueens]

I'm 38 and up until 2019 only had relationships with men.
I met a woman 2019 and we dated.
It didn't go down well with my friends.
Friend 1-isn't it weird,eugh not for me and she stopped sharing a bed with me after nights out and trips away if it was a double bed.

Friend 2- well I think it's wrong two women /men raising a child
The child is brought up thinking it's right.

My family in the past have called those in gay relationships lots of unpleasant things I won't repeat.

Last January I met a woman and fell in love.
I'm so happy with her (happier than I've ever been and she treats me a million times better than any man has )
I see a future and hopefully kids.

Basically I've told nobody because all my family /friends are judgemental
I'm worried when I do tell my friends they are going to hate me for lying to them.
Does this make me a bad person?
My partner knows everything and doesn't care/we go out together /I've met her lovely friends etc
I post pics of us just never made it "official" anywhere

Ditch your mates - they don't deserve you. Might take family a while to come round but out boundaries in place.

Cut these homophobic people out of your life

Sounds like you need new friends!!

If they don't com3 round, ditch them. You will make new friends in your new life

Oh this is so sad. But don't feel guilty for a lie of omission - especially if they're going to behave so poorly. How does your partner feel about being a 'secret'? I think hers and your feelings are the only ones that matter here.

Yea, ditch the homophobic friends. Life's too short to put up with their misery.

She understands and doesn't particularly like my friends just from what I've told her.
I hate having to keep it a secret because I just want to do silly things like update my WhatsApp picture etc (I know it's not important but you know )
I feel like our relationship to them isn't real because it's not me and a man
Does that make sense ?

Why do you care so much what they think?

They don't deserve your time. Live your life openly and honestly, and leave them to it.

I'm sorry they reacted so horribly previously that you've felt it necessary to keep this relationship secret.

im surprised that in 2022 it's still an issue with some people. Especially friends. I guess family have more invested in you following traditional pathways etc, but it's sad, they don't just accept what/who makes you happy.

your 'friends' don't sound like they'd be much of a loss really, to be honest. If there are any who you really want to keep I'd tell them 1:1 and hope they accept it, other than that I'd tell family & then update your status wherever you like, let 'friends' have their own reaction in private, but stamp on any negative comments to/about you/her/relationship. Hard. Maybe your friends & family have guessed from your photos anyway?

I hope you are both very happy together & once you're fully open about your relationship you'll make new friends.

Your friends and family are homophobic so this is on them.

A close gay friend of mine was with his BF for 20+ years - they lived together for much of that time. My friend’s parents were totally comfortable with it but his partner kept him a secret from his own parents for most of that time meaning they were never able to spend Xmas together and so on. It was too little too late when the partner finally told his parents and was one of the factors in the relationship ending.

You love and are very happy with this woman. She is unlikely to be comfortable as a secret forever. How can she build a future with someone who won’t publicly acknowledge her?

I wouldn’t normally be one for ditching friends for a lover but it comes down to - who is more important to you - your friends or her? If your friends really care about you, they should be glad to see you with someone who treats you well and makes you happy. If their prejudices are more important to them than you are, then they’re the wrong people for you. If she is important to you, then start posting and celebrating your relationship.

Look. You only get one shot at life. Don't waste it on homophobes.

If your friends don't like it tell them they need to accept it or your friendship isn't going to last. Don't be afraid to bin people off if they don't accept you for who you are! Do the same with your family, they should love you unconditionally and just want you to be happy, if they can't manage that then you're probably better off without them. You wouldn't want your children growing up having to hear what they have to say anyway would you.

Stop keeping the love of your life as a dirty little secret and put her first rather than all these people who don't have your back.

You need better friends! You need friends like your DP's. I'm straight but I wouldn't be friends with a homophobe on principle.

How can what your friends give you possibly match up to what your DP does?

(Besides, if you're planning to have kids you'll have to 'fess up sooner or later!)

Sorry you have some dicks for mates, and I hope your family come round, many do.

Just tell everyone. Anyone not happy for you isn’t worth knowing, and loosing them will make space for new people.

Don’t tolerate any homophonic remarks from anyone once you’ve told people. Pull them up every time - and dump them if they don’t learn quickly.

Congratulations on having found a great relationship

Life is too short @skyqueens

Live your life the way that makes you happy and if your family and so-called friends want to be part of that then great!! If they don’t, we’ll then that’s their loss really isn’t it?! It sounds like you’ve found a lovely relationship. If they can’t be happy for you and respect that then are they really worth keeping around? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Honestly some of the comments I got before when I told them
-but your girlie
-your pretty why be a lesbian
-you can get any man

It's just exhausting having to listen to it

I'd say tell your family and friends and give them the chance to not be arseholes - you may be positively surprised. It's always possible they have come around to the idea, or just didn't like your previous girlfriend.

If they are still being arseholes, you will have to distance yourself sooner or later, so you may as well find out now.

So don’t listen to it. Tell them you’re not interested in such puerile comments. You don’t have to attach importance to such daft statements.

Either your girlfriend is more important to you than your friends or she isn’t.

But no-one on the thread has supported keeping your relationship secret and you risk losing her if you do. If that happens, will you think that was a reasonable price to pay for avoiding having to deal with some idiotic reactions?

Of course you shouldn’t have to deal with them but I don’t think you will feel that was a price worth paying either way. Also - it sounds like your future relationships are more likely to be with women than with men so you’re going to have to cross this bridge some time. Why not cross it for a woman you really love and who makes you very happy?

I'm surprised. One of my friends fell in love with a woman at the age of 65 and only one person, out of all her quite conservative friends, wasn't happy for her.

While your partner is supportive and understanding now, this is going to get old and harder for her. It's not sustainable, especially if you want kids.

At some point, you're going to need to come out again.

Let the homophobes go if they can't accept you. I know that's easy for me to say, but your partner is your future.

I understand how hard it is for you, but all of the closeted relationships I've ever known have ended in tears. It's not fair to your partner to keep her a secret, it's exhausting and not sustainable. If you are committed to this woman you need to allow her to be a real part of your whole life.

Are all your family and friends like this, or are there a few who would have your back? If so, you could tell them to start with.
You can't get new family but you can expand your friendship circle, thankfully.
And if you can roll your eyes at any quibbling and stick to the, "she's a wonderful person and makes me very happy" line and grey-rock the awkward squad, do!
Congratulations on having a happy relationship!

Ditch the friends
Update your profile and let the world know how happy you are.

i suspect that some of the comments, you’ll just have to get use to it and find ways to answer ready to use when you need it.

Remember that your friends dint define who you are.
And things change. You’ve changed. If people don’t fit in your world because they are homophobic, then they don’t. You shouldn’t bend over backward to satisfy their view of the world when it’s so opposite to yours.

Stop caring what these homophobic pricks think if you want to keep your partner. As pp said you only get one life! Fuck em!