Feels like he’s checked out

[Isitdone]

We have 3 young dc, he works 4 on 4 off so hard when he’s in (long hours), great when he’s off as loads of time together, we don’t have childcare/family/friends willing so we’ve only been on 1 date in almost 3 years, we go on plenty of breaks away with the kids and loads of great family time, he’s a great dad and hardworking.

However, he makes zero effort in our relationship, we have sex around 3-4 times a month (I want it more, he’s happy with what it is), he forgot our wedding anniversary (we’ve only been married 3 years!), never remembers our anniversaries for that matter or the dates, rarely asks me a single question about myself, cooked me a meal all of around 3 times (I make him slap up meals weekly) in our relationship, feels like there’s no physical attraction from him.

I make a lot of effort, pay him compliments (heartfelt), make sexual effort, get treats, heartfelt gifts, flirt, communicate well with him and let him know when I’m hurt or annoyed (to avoid passive aggressiveness and bickering). He fully acknowledges I make the effort and he’s lacking, says he’ll try but that it’s such hard work when he works and we have young dc so says he limited. I’m sick of loving someone that doesn’t make me feel like i’m worth their energy, time or love however no matter how much I communicate with him on how I’m feeling he acknowledges but makes no real effort moving forward. We laugh a lot and really care for each other but that’s about it from him, he does say he fancies me still but I have but on around 5 stone since having the kids 😔 but still confident in the bedroom and try my best to look ok (I think). We was sex mad for the first year being together, he was attentive, caring, flirty etc so I know he’s capable 😅

Has anyone else been in this situation? Please be kind! 😬😅

Just wanted to add I do love him dearly, he’s a gorgeous man inside and out and I really don’t want to split, I just don’t know what’s going on in my marriage.

Its also not an affair, we’re open and honest with phones and whereabouts.

Sorry you're going through this. I think the first step is to talk to him honestly about how you feel, and ask him to be completely honest in return. At this stage you're kind of guessing how he is feeling, so any honest clarity he can provide should be able to help you move forwards.

Thank you. We’ve properly sat down 4 times (most recently last night) and he says the same thing every time, I knows he’s not making the effort but it’s too hard with work and the kids but that he’ll try and then never does.. god knows I’ve tried, we’ve had many occasions where I’ve mentioned it, and as I say, 4 serious sit downs. He knows how I feel 😔

Have you told him in precise detail what you want him to do… with clear examples?

I know it’s not romantic, but then at least you would know he knows what you need, and you can decide how you feel about it if he still does nothing.

He doesn't care how you feel, then. If he knows, but changes nothing. It would only take him 2 minutes to pick up some flowers for you when he was already out, put a reminder in his phone of important dates, pay you a compliment or two.

He's fobbing you off by saying he'll try. Ask him why he says he'll try and then doesn't. Tell him it hurts you more. Ask him if he actively wants to hurt you, ask him why he's choosing actions that do hurt you.

Be direct. Tell him exactly what he does and exactly how it makes you feel. Don't tell him what you'd like him to do, just tell him what hurts you. Tell him very clearly. If he keeps doing it, you know, then, that he doesn't care if you hurt.

I find that if someone really doesn’t want to do something, they won’t do it, unless there are consequences.

Can you think of any consequences that would register with him?

Yes I’ve specifically told him what I want from our marriage (more sex, more passion, more spontaneity, more flirting, more compassion, more of him actually giving a shit basically) so he knows, I’ve even explained how this can be done (a nice meal made by him, a night set aside so romance, foreplay or sex, flirty texts through the day etc.) he agrees that would be great but once again.. leaves me to it.

Ive tried that angle- the whole “look, it’s upsetting me more thy you know what to do yet don’t”, he says “he knows, he knows, but, ‘it’s so hard’”

However, I don’t find making the effort a struggle, infact I bloody love it, because I bloody love him! I just don’t know what to do anymore, I’m working on my self esteem and that’s why this has come about as I’ve realised I deserve every thing I want because I’m a good person, so I’ve started to ask for it and it’s now biting me on the bum.

Consequences- to split, but we have 3 very young dc, we couldn’t do that on a whim (to give him a kick up the arse), if we split it would need to be for good.

Ive told him I’ll leave this marriage once and only once, he’s fully aware and explicitly says he never wants to lose me but ‘plods on’ as he says in the mundane thinking it’s working because essentially it is.. but only because I’m peddling for us both.

Other consequences I can think of…

Not preparing his meals anymore
Not doing his washing
If you do the food shop, not buying any favourites or treats he enjoys

Maybe you can think of other things that are more suitable, knowing him as well as you do.

I would keep the big gun of separation for when you mean it, you won’t be taken seriously if you use it as an idle threat.

Sex 3-4 times a month when you have 3 kids is probably above average in long term relationships, and the rest of it.. well if this was a man complaining about his wife not being all romantic and sexy in the midst of a busy family life he'd get ripped apart.

He doesn't care how you feel, then. If he knows, but changes nothing.

^^ if you've expressed how you feel repeatedly and he's not changing what else can you do

More sex is very high on your list but not his. If the roles were reversed, you'd be getting your arse handed to you for trying to get a woman to have more sex than she actually wants.

I agree with @PostcardsFromPalma - you've tried showing him how much you care and he doesn't reciprocate, so why not try showing him what life would be like if YOU stopped making the effort?

Arse handed to me 😆 possibly if the partner was saying THEY DIDNT WANT IT.. The sex is something we both say we want more of, he just wants me to make the effort in initiating or sorting, that’s the biggest difference here, so please don’t patronise me or downplay my feelings by trying to compare me to a pushy and selfish man, I’m very clear to my husband what I want, I’m never passive aggressive and in turn he appreciates that part, says he wants the same things yet still leaves me to plod on trying for us.

Can i be clear- if my husband said he didn’t want all of those things too I would be very understanding, however he says the opposite and assured me he will make the effort (which lasts all of a couple of weeks).

More sex is very high on your list but not his. If the roles were reversed, you'd be getting your arse handed to you for trying to get a woman to have more sex than she actually wants.

Yep 100% agree with this ^^ I’m sorry but I don’t think he is bothered with the entire
more sex, more passion, more spontaneity, more flirting
sounds like you are quite different people,

Yes he's saying he wants more to end the awkward conversation quicker and hope that stops you bringing it up for a while.
If he says he doesn't want more then you'll start trying to fix it.

This! Sex once a week with 3 kids is pretty good.Have you asked him if he is turned off by your weight gain?

It shouldn't be an effort to him, to show the women he is supposed to love, all the things you show him.

He can't be bothered putting the effort in your marriage.

He has 4 full days off, he can make you dinner for those days.

You said you have put on 5 stone in 3 yrs, it's not healthy for you. But maybe he isn't feeling sexy because of this.

I was so overweight and didn't think it was a problem, I've now lost 6 stone and see that it was a problem.

@firstmummy2019 you said exactly what I logged in to post. Have you asked him directly if this is to do with weight gain?

Would you be willing to listen to him if it was an Issue? Maybe just maybe he's an amazing man which he sounds great who doesn't know how to express this side of the relationship that is bothering him?

Thank you, yes, I’ve outright asked him if my weight gain has changed things, he said absolutely not, he’s also put on weight and it’s changed nothing for me towards him.

Basically you both have a lot on your plate with young DCs and it's quite normal at this stage in your lives. All you can do is keep trying to make some special alone times and ask him to do the same

I see. The other thing in your post you mention is your weight gain - has he ever referred to this negatively in any way at all? If this was the problem and he wasn't attracted to you sexually any more I think it would be highly unlikely he would be honest with you about it. But then that wouldn't explain the checking out elsewhere, unless he sees affection as a precursor to sex he doesn't want...

Edit - sorry, I see you've already addressed this

@hewouldwouldnthe so you think this is normal considering the dc are so young? That’s promising, it’s not really something you speak about out loud, I don’t have good close friends where we live (just light hearted mum friends at the baby groups/school gates) so I’m out the loop on what’s ‘normal’. DH’s last long term relationship before me they was having sex once or twice a year so he thinks what we’re having now is a lot but is completely missing the other parts of a healthy romantic relationship so it’s so hard. I’m not looking for ways to manipulate him into making an effort, more seeing if anyone else has been through this so thank you for the reassurance.

I’ve outright asked him if my weight gain has changed things, he said absolutely not
very few men would actually admit to this ^^

if in his previous relationships, he had sex one a twice a year, and now it’s 50+ times a year, that’s a massive increase ( for him at least), maybe he is just the flowers and chocolate romance type, ?

Maybe.. if he got me flowers and chocolate 😆