Feels like he’s checked out

[Isitdone]

We have 3 young dc, he works 4 on 4 off so hard when he’s in (long hours), great when he’s off as loads of time together, we don’t have childcare/family/friends willing so we’ve only been on 1 date in almost 3 years, we go on plenty of breaks away with the kids and loads of great family time, he’s a great dad and hardworking.

However, he makes zero effort in our relationship, we have sex around 3-4 times a month (I want it more, he’s happy with what it is), he forgot our wedding anniversary (we’ve only been married 3 years!), never remembers our anniversaries for that matter or the dates, rarely asks me a single question about myself, cooked me a meal all of around 3 times (I make him slap up meals weekly) in our relationship, feels like there’s no physical attraction from him.

I make a lot of effort, pay him compliments (heartfelt), make sexual effort, get treats, heartfelt gifts, flirt, communicate well with him and let him know when I’m hurt or annoyed (to avoid passive aggressiveness and bickering). He fully acknowledges I make the effort and he’s lacking, says he’ll try but that it’s such hard work when he works and we have young dc so says he limited. I’m sick of loving someone that doesn’t make me feel like i’m worth their energy, time or love however no matter how much I communicate with him on how I’m feeling he acknowledges but makes no real effort moving forward. We laugh a lot and really care for each other but that’s about it from him, he does say he fancies me still but I have but on around 5 stone since having the kids 😔 but still confident in the bedroom and try my best to look ok (I think). We was sex mad for the first year being together, he was attentive, caring, flirty etc so I know he’s capable 😅

Has anyone else been in this situation? Please be kind! 😬😅

I think there may be a good counter argument for the sex and passion and flirtation for him… but completely missing and not acknowledging import dates like anniversaries and other important dates, which would literally take a few minutes to sort out on his phone, whether that’s booking a restaurant, or arranging for a gift delivered…

If you can’t spare five minutes and a few quid, that’s not cool.

I’m not big on the consumerism of pre fixed dates, but if it was important and meaningful for my partner and made them feel loved, I would do it.

It sounds to me your love languages are Quality Time and Gift giving… I wonder what his might be… Have you looked into The Five Love Languages, @Isitdone?

www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/the-5-love-languages-explained

It sounds like you’re wanting the thrill of a brand new relationship. Very few relationships maintain spontaneously after 3 children!

Yeah my dad was like this with my mum, totally withdrew the affectionate side/romantic side because my mum would see it as a green light for sex, which he didn't want as she had put on weight but he didn't bring it up (aside from a few cruel jabs)
He should have brought it up gently or ended things instead of them both wasting years unhappy.

The difference is you say he has put weight on too so it would be hypocritical of him whereas my dad hadn't.

Can I be honest?
Your expectations sound tiring even to me! And I love romance!
When our dc were young it was as much as we could do to get through the week. It hasn’t changed much even now. If I needed to dress up, flirt, date nights and foreplay I would curl up and die with exhaustion.

Dh and I focused on lots of self care. Lie ins, baths, taking it in turns to relax etc.
perhaps a weekend away from the dc could be organised? So he can rest and you can enjoy each other’s company?
Agree on what he has the energy for - maybe dinner date every month not every week.
I would also set next Friday as a rerun of your anniversary. He can then put some effort into the occasion.
You both need to compromise

He has 4 days off - i presume the 1st of the 4 is him catching up on sleep.

He has then another 3 days off - what does he do on these days off?

What ages are your children, are any of them in school from this September?

i think the sex would be more often if you both felt closer rather than just scratching an itch (so to speak) but to feel closer, you both need to feel like you're having your needs met. i don't get the whole "too tired to make effort" excuse. If you're children have a regular bedtime and you both are getting uninterrupted sleep (not getting up numerous times per night for more than 15mins) than i cant see that either of you are exhausted, just more stuck in a rut.

How about you ask him to pick the best day he feels refreshed in his 4 days off and ask him to have this day that he purposely focuses on the both of you, not just you but both of you. Have a lovely lunch together, an early night, he makes the tea that night, HE MAKES AN EFFORT in any way he sees fit that you can see he's trying. And get him to agree to it and for him to talk about how he sees how he could implement any care and attention in this day.

You don't want to split up and you cant make a stance of leaving if you know that you wouldn't but he should be able to meet you half way at least on 1 day in 8 or you just resign yourself to "this is how it is" - you do state that "we go on plenty of breaks away with the kids and loads of great family time, We laugh a lot and really care for each other" - the relationship sounds good but i get you want more attention but for now, this might be how it is!

Do you think you want the attention from him because of your weight gain do you think? For him to make you feel better about yourself in someway? Just a thought!

Apologies for the long post and all question :)

I'm with Cook

if it's a good marriage except you want more romance and sex, I'm not sure that you will be happier if you break up. As a pp says, it sounds like you want the stuff you get in new relationship.

“Can I be honest?
Your expectations sound tiring even to me! And I love romance!
When our dc were young it was as much as we could do to get through the week. It hasn’t changed much even now. If I needed to dress up, flirt, date nights and foreplay I would curl up and die with exhaustion.”

I agree with this. I think what you’re experiencing is pretty normal in the early years of small children and you have three. Once they’re bigger and less demanding of time and energy, you will get some time back. But I would have struggled if my DH had been making the kinds of demands you are making in the early years of parenting in addition to everything else I was doing.

If you’re at home full time and he is working, he will have adult company in a way you don’t. I remember from mat leave that this creates a bit of an imbalance. Is it partly that you’re craving uninterrupted adult communication?

3 small children must be totally exhausting! Can you not get more support from family or friends? There must be some people who'll find it a real pleasure to be involved in the kids lives and to help on occasions. Or can you make new friends in the same boat?

This will give you both more time to focus on each other.