DH is a miserable sod

[CatSolutions]

Has anyone had this issue and the relationship survived?

I feel he's getting increasingly miserable about things. The main one is food. He will never just "make do" and needs a full meal cooked from scratch at every meal.

So I'll make dinner and if there is no meat or the veg is too soft or it's been slow cooked or god knows what else is not to his liking he will just make himself a whole other meal. He cooks it himself, washes up etc so maybe it shouldn't annoy me but it does. Like what I've made is just not good enough.

Then occasionally he'll get so annoyed that he spends his life washing up and it's so mundane. Well, if you didn't cook an extra 3 course meal every time there would be much less washing up!

He's equally fussy when eating out so will always begrudgingly eat out with us and then be annoyed that it wasn't value for money, or there weren't enough prawns in his risotto, or there's no point ordering ice cream as we have ice cream in the freezer.

It also extends to gifts, days out, holiday etc. He will begrudgingly go on holiday and then I find myself getting stressed making sure all goes smoothly so he isn't proven right that holidays aren't worth it.

To his credit, he often tries not to complain out loud for my sake but I can just tell he's not happy and it feels passive aggressive and even worse.

A few years ago we used to laugh at his "snobbisms", but now it's just not funny.

I'm the sort of person that is so easily pleased, so I just don't get it at all. When life is a bit groundhog day his attitude makes it so much worse.

Well done for making it to the end of my rant!

Tell him to take over full time cooking duties, less wasted food, less washing up, less complaints.

So how do you respond when he moans?

This. Or just stop cooking for him and let him do his own thing.

Let him cook for himself then and let that be the end of his moaning. What a waste of food also. I think he just likes moaning. I know sometimes you just want something small like eggs on toast or a salad etc and not going to all the hassle of a big meal. Don't bother so much and you will be ok.

Why do you continue to cook for him? Drop the rope. Stop cooking for him, stop organising holidays and stop eating out with him. He sounds like a dementor. How can you bear it?

He sounds a wiz around the kitchen. I’d stop making meals and let him shine. He’s so good at it!

Are you married to my husband?

I cook in week and he eats what I make but at a weekend he insists on cooking big meals. It winds me up because 1, expensive, he always needs extra ingredients. 2, he spends 2 hours cooking while I entertain kids, 3, if we go anywhere he will fret about being back to make tea. 4, he makes a huge mess and guess who does the pots?

Also moans a lot and gets grumpy on days out. I feel like I spend a lot of time managing him. He was not like this when we met, it's been a gradual decline over years that got worse after having kids. He struggles with mh so this doesn't help.

My dp was the same with my cooking. Moaned about what I'd bought, where I'd bought it. Not good enough bla bla bla. I now refuse to cook for him at all and tell him to buy his own dinner.

What if you suggested he cooks for himself from now on? Or he cooks 3 nights a week for everyone. Meals are such a big part of family life and he is not enjoying it. Tell him now that he is organizing and doing Christmas dinner. Maybe a few months of cooking will make him appreciate you a bit more.

I'd honestly refuse to cook and tell him he's cooking for everyone from now on.

But this is not just about the cooking. OP says he moans about all sorts of things.
Stop tiptoeing round him and stop 'managing' his moods. When he starts, just tell him to "smile", "cheer up", etc. in your most chirpy and bright voice, then physically look away or turn away - a bit like training a dog or a toddler: he won't be getting the attention that he wants.
His moaning is a way of getting your attention and controlling you, so that you are always on edge and dancing around him. Stop playing that game.

Oh god there's nothing worse than people who are just never happy. They spend their lives dragging everyone else down with them. Life is miserable when you spend it being held hostage by someone else's moods.

He's a fun sponge. I'd be doing absolutely nothing for him - no cooking, no holidays. If you book a holiday, you tell him that he will pull himself together and stop being a grump or it will be just you and the kids. This kind of behaviour makes the entire family miserable. And yes, if it continues I would LTB.

If you are childless I would advise against having DC with this man. He will implode having to deal with all the issues that children inevitably bring.

So I'll make dinner and if there is no meat or the veg is too soft or it's been slow cooked or god knows what else is not to his liking he will just make himself a whole other meal.

I only had to read this far. He would be cooking his own meal every night from then on.

From experience I can tell you that he will only get worse so you need to consider whether you want to continue living like this. Unreasonable behaviour that will eventually affect your mh if it hasn't already.

Mine didn't survive BTW.

If it's every once in a while that's one thing. We can all struggle to have fun if work etc is on our minds.

All the time though is not on.

It sounds like he’s unhappy and dissatisfied with his life generally and the griping about the little things is symptomatic of that: fulfilled people don’t constantly nitpick or look to find fault with everything.

I’d approach it from that angle. Point out that he’s making things miserable for everyone by always bringing a dark cloud to things that should be either easy or enjoyable and he needs to have a good think about why that is and seek to rectify it, with professional help if necessary.

Stop pandering his moods

Stop cooking for him

Do not clean up after him

Why are you with someone like him at all?. Did you grow up seeing similar behaviour in a parent?.

The problem is that in the week he doesn't get home early enough to cook the family meal in time for the kids.

In my culture meal times are such a family occasion which is probably why this bugs me so much. Even when he does eat the same as us, he'll be faffing in the fridge getting and chopping 3 million additional ingredients and by the time he finally sits down we've pretty much finished eating! But I suppose most people wouldn't care about that, so maybe I should ease up on being the dinner police.

PPs who say it's symptomatic of a bigger issue are probably right though as he never used to be like this, and I think it's mainly down to his job. Every few months we'll have a big chat where I'll tell him "right you're miserable again, what are we doing about this" and he'll make plans to talk to management or start looking for another job. He'll hear me and make an effort to be more cheerful for a while but then nothing changes and it starts again.

I am sympathetic to his situation and if it wasn't for the food thing, I wouldn't mind too much I think.

He obviously gets in in time to cook hos own meal if he re does it so just stop making any for him.

What an ungrateful miserable sod!
I would want to slap him!
Is he genuinely happy?
How old is he?
Mine is in his 60's and often I think he's going through a male menopause, because at times he has a face like thunder on him!

Stop cooking for him.
Let him cook his own meals and sort his own holidays out.

Men!

Feed the kids early (you sit and eat a salad with them) then he can cook for the two of you when he gets in (and if the kids are still up they can come and chat)