Mothers!

[cheesedoff]

Have changed my name for this one as may be ostracised by Mumsnet if I don't!

I have what can only be described as an up-and-down relationship with my mum. She's not the most stable of people - in that I don't mean she's unstable mentally or anything, but she says one thing and does another if you see what I mean. She's sometimes in a really good mood when I phone (it is ALWAYS me that phones never her), sometimes is really short with me. She is on her own and I am an only child so there is no-one else to dilute things down abit. I told her a couple of months ago that we were all going to inlaws for Christmas as we've had her down the last two years and we felt they ought to see the children at Christmas (she doesn;t get on with them AT ALL - refers to them as the Gremlins so we can't all get together - she does have plenty of friends to see at Christmas and we told her we wanted to come up to see her on Boxing Day) and she didn't talk to me for nearly a month - slammed the phone down when I tried to call.
First thing - am I unreasonable to want children to spend Christmas with their other grandparents?

Second this is that I think she is mean. For dd's 4th birthday all she bought her was 3 pairs of socks. Admittedly they're nice socks and dd liked them, but she can't have spent more than a tenner. In-laws normally spend £25 and have 6 grandchildren and are not that well off. My mum only has my children as grandchildren and is very well off. Is she being mean or should I be grateful she got her a present?

Thanks for allowing me a little rant - feels good!

cheesedoff
You have my sympathy but just wondering why you felt the need to change your name for this fairly normal posting?

cheesedoff
This is completely normal - don't see why you had to change your name. I am also having problems with my Mum over Xmas - I am determined to do alternate Xmas's as this is what dh wants - I saw my Mum "take over" my Dad's personality completely and am determined not to do the same. I decided we would go to dh's Mums this year, as dd will be more fun at 18 months next year for my family - since telling my Mum I have had so much emotional balckmail, always, but always accompanied with "I'd never put any pressure on you, you must do as you feel is right, but dd would enjoy Xmas here so much..." You're Mum is being v. selfish - but try to stay calm and not let her get to you.

Secondly Yes she is being mean - but it is unlikely that she sees this, or is doing it deliberatly,

Cheesedoff, agree with the others - we've all had mother woes to report at some point so the likelihood of us ostracising you is remote in the extreme! Stick to your guns, maybe use this precedent to ensure you alternate in future years, and try not to let her stinginess upset you. As Prufrock says, it's probably not deliberate, and as Sobernow says, that's why she's still rich, if leading a somewhat joyless existence.
Understand especially the aggro of having one lot of grandparents make it plain they prefer not to spend time in the company of the others. My parents are even worse - they insist on my mil being included in joint events, and then moan gleefully about her afterwards to me. But if I agree with them (and I have to say I do), I get a sanctimonious lecture along the lines of, "you must welcome her, she is your husband's mother ds' grandma too". Argh. Argh. Argh.

Ok Ok I own up - it was me!

I just didn't want people to think I was being ungrateful. She did get dd a present after all, and although I'm fairly convinced I'm right to think she's being mean and unreasonable about Christmas, a small part of me thinks maybe she's right and I'm wrong - she is my mother after all....

For some reason I always feel the need to defend her as well, so I am now faced with the problem of explaining to in-laws why she only got children a small present at Christmas (I don't want in-laws to think ill of her). She probably won't want us to go up on Boxing Day, and will be a complete martyr about it.Aargh!

Sobernow I worry about guit-tripping my children too - my mother didn't talk to her mother for years and I always felt stuck in the middle. My grandmother also didn't talk to her mother and my mum felt stuck in the middle. It obviously runs in our family! Although I am determined our children won't be affected, and that I won't have any unreasonable expectations of them when they grow up, my mum said she always felt just as determined when I was a child and look what heppened. At least there are two children and I'm sure dh will always be there!

Actually I'm quite looking forward to Christmas - mil will stock up on chocolate and booze. We will spend Christmas Eve getting merrily s**t faced in the pub with mil babysitting and Christmas Day will be spent stuffing ourselves, watching whatever crap is on telly, then having some of their friends over (always good for a laugh) and playing card games. My mum hates booze, telly and card games...... She does babysit though to her credit.

Prufrock - no I don't think she is mean deliberately, just thinks that they have enough as it is. and how can your mum think your dd will enjoy Christmas more if she's there? I think she will enjoy it if you and dh are there irrespective of where you are or who else is there.

Marina - yes I have to agree with my mum about in-laws also - otherwise I get the sarcastic 'oh well up to you'.

Hope we will all learn for when our children are older!

Titchy, we batted back and forth between my parents and two sets of outlaws (poor me) over Christmas for years and last year we decided enough was enough and we spent Christmas day on our own in our own home. It was fantastic! We'll be doing the same again this year and doing the family trawl on other days over the Christmas period. Could this be an option for you too?

If your mum gives you a guilt trip about not seeing her on christmas day, could you invite her to come along with you to the inlaws? That's if the inlaws will have her of course.

As your mother doesn't get on with them, is she likely to refuse? if so, end of guilt trip. She can hardly blame you for not including her.

titchy - I see where you were coming from in changing your nickname. I think a lot of us find it difficult to criticise our mothers even when the criticism is justified.

My opinion is that socks is a sort of token present you give to someone at the edge of your present buying circle (birthday party child, child of a friend etc) or as an extra to the main present. And they must have been expensive to come to a tenner. Your in-laws spending £25 seems quite reasonable. Both my parents and inlaws will go mad and spend over £100 on DS if last Christmas is anything to go by.... They will probably buy him a load of clothes in the 18-24 month size that will probably only fit for a couple of months max... Of course being an old-timer (second Christmas as a mother) I would take them back and change the sizes apart from that they will all be in the sale and it gets complicated without the reciept. Sorry to get sidetracked onto my problems -and that one is fairly trivial anyway.

I think you are very reasonable to consider your in-laws and instigating an alternate Christmas routine at this stage really does seem the way to go. We do both on the same day and it has advantages and disadvantages as you can imagine.

Don't talk to me about mothers! Mine is a strange one. She buys toys for ds in charity shops, and they always have something missing! It really gets my dh's back up, although ds loves them as he is too young to worry about that sort of thing. She also spends about £40 on me and dh at Xmas, but only spent about half that on ds' presents. I always tell her that I would rather that she spent the money on ds, but she never does.

She never used to kiss ds when he was younger, and it got to the point where the difference between her and my dad was blatently obvious, as my dad rolls around with ds, and always kisses him.

The final straw (seems petty, but it stems from my childhood relationship with her, which is too long to go into) was when she told me that she and dad were going to be on (another) holiday on my ds' next birthday (his 2nd, they were also on holiday when he was born!). I got all huffy, and eventually told her, when pushed, that we didn't have a mother and daughter relationship (more like friends, as we have got over the past, and do see a lot of each other), and that I was always watching her with ds, to see if she loves him, as I don't want him to get hurt. Anyway, to cut a long story short, she has since been more affectionate with him, and it is obvious that he loves her.

Titchy, don't let her emotionally blackmail you. Do what is best for your family (in that, I mean you, your dh and your children), and be happy. If she can't accept that, then it is her problem. It is not unreasonable to see the other parents, especially when it sounds like you will have loads of fun there, AND you have seen her for the previous two years.

Good luck - you can choose your friends, but not your family (unfortunately )

Mums are the queens of emotional blackmail. I tried suggesting Christmas at my new home this year (as have spent the past 34 Christmas at my mum and dad's). I got the "well it is your decision, it is your family that matter now - I am not important any more etc. etc.". Needless to say I will not be spending Christmas at my new home. New Year Resolution - must be much stonger! Why do Mums have such a hold on us? I pray I am not like that with my dd but maybe it is a strange middle-age disease that takes over as soon as the kids have grown...

Why do we put up with it? I live the other side of the equator to my mother and still I get the emotional blackmail, although it has subsided a bit since I decided to be blatantly honest instead of keeping quiet and nodding. Anyway, titchy, good luck and try to enjoy Christmas whatever you do. You know where we all are if you need to rant.

I must admit that I'm dreading the day in 20 years time or so when my daughter says she wants to spend Christmas without me! Where will I go, who will I stay with!!! Aaaaarrrrrggggghhhh, it's only one day of the year but soooooo much pressure!

titchy - sorry your mum's giving you a hard time, and no, you're not the only one.

I agree she's being selfish, after all, your in-laws are her grandparents too, and they have as much right to Christmas with dd as she does.

Tigermoth's idea is a good one, or alternatively, if you could face the hassle & it was logistically possible, you could invite your mum & in-laws to your place. But that probably is loads of hassle. She just needs to get used to the idea of alternate Christmasses. I guess 'cos she's had the last 2 at your house, she's got it in her mind it'll always be like that.

If my mum slammed the 'phone down on me I'd be really annoyed. I'd probably get out pen & paper & threaten to spend every Christmas at in-laws if she didn't sort herself out. Well, I wouldn't really, probably just log on to mumsnet & moan about it if truth be told.

Titchy (& others) you are absolutely right in that you must do what is best for you & your immediate family, it is perfectly reasonable that it is your mother's turn to see you on Boxing Day.

I personally wouldn't worry about how much/little she spends, most children have far too many presents, & don't justify or otherwise to your m-i-l', just say 'yes, mum bought X a pair of socks this year'.

The crucial thing about this debate is how do we stop turning into mothers like this ourselves, especially when Titchy admits that her own mother always said she didn't want to turn out like that!!

I am really looking forward to Christmas - on our own - no family visits/visitors at all over the whole holiday - our choice - & no offence caused!! Happy Christmas all!

Titchy

It sounds like a real pain.

I'm lucky, my mother pops round on Xmas day to drop off presents and that is it. MIL doesn't come over and we don't go to either of them.

It is so much easier if you just put your foot down from the start and tell them that you are doing what you want.

Titchy, I don't think she is being mean and I would not like it to be conveyed to your daughter that a certain amount of money should be spent on gifts or they are of insufficient worth.
Second, you are certainly NOT unreasonable to want to spend Christmas with your inlaws.
Third, slamming the phone down is not really on, but I am sure you can rise above it

We said right from our first xmas (pre-children) that we would not being going anywhere on 25th Dec and have stuck to that apart from one disasterous year when DH was away and the rest of us went to a friend's. It confirmed the sagacity of our original decision, lol!

However, my mum is very good at saying things like "It's not worth putting a tree up." or "It's not worth buying any special food.". I've learnt to ignore it. Once Xmas is over she can't wait to tell me what a fantastic time she's had with X,Y or Z!!! I shall have to ask her to come to us this year as we're only in the UK for 3 wks, so I'm getting my earplugs ready now as she talks non-stop. My dad was deaf in his last years and she still SHOUTS all the time!

As for the presents, I think you should be happy with what your mum chooses to give and shouldn't be comparing values. My very welloff bro is a skinflint - he once gave my parents a face flannel for Xmas - but I now accept that I'm not going to change him and tell myself there are no pockets in shrouds.

OTOH, I think my MIL is too generous, as I don't think she has that much money, and tbh, I wish she would tone it down a bit, but she won't. I guess there's no satisfying everyone.

I sometimes worry that I'm going to end up like my mother. Basically she's fine but she does have some very weird obsessions. For example, we found out last week that one of my sisters has a particularly aggressive form of cancer. My mother for some reason dosen't want two of my sisters told because, in her opinion, they are very delicate emotionally. Nothing could be further from the truth. Of the two in question, one is a fundamentalist christian of the most annoying disapproving variety, and the other has all the emotional sensitivity of a bull in a china shop. Those of us with children avoid her because she is notorious for telling us exactly where we are going wrong with our childraising. Not that hers are models of perfection in any way shape or form. On top of which she is a born again vegan. Still, can my mum see this? It's a peculiar blind spot of hers.

Rant over

Tinker, I think we will all be at the 'gransnet' meet-up on 25th Dec 2022 - bitching about celebreties past and present; daughters in law and sons in law; husbands/ex-husbands/partners etc and wondering why we ever bothered with family Xmases!

Sis - brilliant idea

Last year we had our first Christmas in our own home, with just our little family, and it was FANTASTIC. Go for it girls!

Dh is a minister of religion, so does a service first thing on Christmas day, and we always spent the next 3 - 5 hrs on the motorway. Terrific day! The previous yr MiL just gave us sarnies at teatime - we'd had a picnic for lunch, and given up our Christmas day to get there! Grrrr.... So I said "never again", and after the success of last year, I mean it. We will trek over to both sets of family over the holiday period, but not for Christmas day.

Sis - like the gransnet idea! I wonder if we'll be posting on threads like 'my daughter/son doesn't understand me' in thirty years time!

Jasper - understand your point about it not being important how much money was spent. I guess you're right, but I wonder how dd will feel in a few years time when she is aware of the value of things. Will she feel less loved by my mum? Obviously we will try and tell her it's the thought not value that's important, but what if the thought isn't up to much either?!

I feel better knowing that I am not the only one with a PITA mother. Being an only child I don't have any siblings so problems always seem so much more intense and I have no-one to moan to apart from dh who just thinks she's mad anyway!
Spending Christmas with both sets of grandparents isn't really an option - our house is too small and they really DON'T get on. There would be such an atmosphere, especially in the evening when the children were in bed. In-laws would want to drink (especially fil who mum thinks is an alcoholic anyway - he isn't, only drinks on occasions like family parties, maybe once a month, but always has too much!) and watch tv. Mum would just sit there sighing and tutting to herself. Then tell me afterwards how unconfortable she felt.
She will just have to lump it! And I will just have to deal with the guilt.

Slug - sorry to hear about your sister. How about you (or her?) telling your other sisters? I mean they ought to know if you do and you all need each others support.

SueDonim, I'm impressed by your forgiveness! It's not the monetary value of gifts that counts, so much as what it reveals about what they think of you.

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