Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

One bed flat during separation with 2 children

55 replies

Invasionofthegutsnatchers · 22/08/2022 13:53

Is it deemed suitable to have an 11 year old and 8 year old living with me in a one bed flat, me on the sofa them in the bedroom in a double bed and air bed, for 50.50 custody in the short term until my ex buys me out of our house? I will then get 200k equity and be able to afford a bigger place. I'm concerned the courts could find this unsuitable and so deny me access. He will stay in the family home with them so they have a familiar base. We have savings and equity so I won't be entitled to benefits except child benefit.

13 year marriage, 19 years together. I earn 1k a month part time and he earns far more. I have savings but am worried about getting into financial difficulties hence looking to rent a small manageable place initially. Also looking for a better full time job. I'm a qualified teacher but currently working in a support role. I'll have to give up my lease car as it's on his company benefits so have a small search area for rentals as need to be near their school which is on the same campus as my work.

I will get financial advice ASAP but am currently out of the country on holiday.

Please be kind. Very upset today. I e never dealt with financial stuff before.

OP posts:
Original poster
Invasionofthegutsnatchers · 22/08/2022 14:38

Thank you for helping me work this out in my head. Or start to.

We are on a family holiday together at the moment so I can't get any real advice. My parents are being useless. So I appreciate the opinions here

OP posts:
HardRockOwl · 22/08/2022 14:41

If you're part time how has he ended up as their primary carer?

stealthninjamum · 22/08/2022 14:45

Op I wouldn’t move out, it’s very hard to keep a connection with dc once you’ve moved out, in the case of my ex it really was ‘out of sight out of mind’. Dc won’t go to his flat, they lost the connection they had just from living with him and miss all their toys and possesIons.

Dancingwithhyenas · 22/08/2022 14:48

I think you could end up with a situation where husband/unavoidable delays happen then kids don’t want to come to your place because it’s too small/don’t have their things.
I think you should stay in the family home and be separated until he buys you out. Then get someone a reasonable size. Otherwise the kids will naturally prefer to be with daddy in their ‘proper’ house with all their things.

Dancingwithhyenas · 22/08/2022 14:49

HardRockOwl · 22/08/2022 14:41

If you're part time how has he ended up as their primary carer?

She didn’t say he was the primary carer, just that she didn’t feel she was. She described equal co-parenting.

MakingNBaking · 22/08/2022 14:56

I agree that you should stay in the family home until either he buys you out, or the house is sold. Either way, it's a solicitors job so you will know exactly when your money is going to land in your account which leads me to the next bit.
I know you say that once you have the equity you will be able to rent a bigger property. I urge you to look at using that large sum of money to at least buy part of a shared ownership property. Having that amount of money will disbar you from some benefits, you will have to spread it around to avoid having more than the insured limits in any bank, and once that money is gone it's gone. You may never have another lump sum like that.
Around here, that lump sum would buy you a half share of a 3 bedroomed house, leaving a smallish rent to pay each month. And you would have that house forever.
I would stay put, synchronise him buying you out with you completing on a shared ownership property snd look to the longer term.

Original poster
Invasionofthegutsnatchers · 22/08/2022 14:57

@stealthninjamum thanks for this perspective it has helped me consider it from a different angle.

I am so desperate to get out of our house where I've been unhappy for so many years. But for the children I probably need to be patient until a bigger place is possible. I'd love to give them their own small rooms which they could help decorate etc. They are very attached to our current 4 bed home and I'd hate it if they didn't want to come to my flat because it was too small 😪 I really need a full time professional job too. I'm qualified and experienced just need to make it happen.

I feel so inadequate for my children right now 😭

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 22/08/2022 14:58

MakingNBaking · 22/08/2022 14:56

I agree that you should stay in the family home until either he buys you out, or the house is sold. Either way, it's a solicitors job so you will know exactly when your money is going to land in your account which leads me to the next bit.
I know you say that once you have the equity you will be able to rent a bigger property. I urge you to look at using that large sum of money to at least buy part of a shared ownership property. Having that amount of money will disbar you from some benefits, you will have to spread it around to avoid having more than the insured limits in any bank, and once that money is gone it's gone. You may never have another lump sum like that.
Around here, that lump sum would buy you a half share of a 3 bedroomed house, leaving a smallish rent to pay each month. And you would have that house forever.
I would stay put, synchronise him buying you out with you completing on a shared ownership property snd look to the longer term.

Yes completely agree with this

Original poster
Invasionofthegutsnatchers · 22/08/2022 14:58

Thank you @MakingNBaking this is so helpful. I'm ashamed to say I just want to run away to my own tiny place. But that is selfish actually

OP posts:
GlitteryGreen · 22/08/2022 15:00

Do you have any family/friends nearby you could stay with temporarily? Even if you end up spending your time with the children in the family home if there's nowhere to host them. Would save you having to try and rent somewhere when you can't really commit to a year.

jsku · 22/08/2022 15:02

OP - I understand that you are unhappy and want things to move quickly. But please don’t make any decisions before you get legal advice.
And usually - advice is not to move out before you get financial settlement sorted.
Given your H warns more, and it’s a long marriage - you may actually get a higher share of marital assets than 50/50.

Also - many divorces start amicably and turn bad. You really don’t want to put yourself at a disadvantage here by moving out. Plus - you need to think about the impact on your kids of this short term move , in addition to the whole stress of divorce.

You say in your post that your marriage is not abusive, etc - just lost connection/love. So - you need to he a grown up here and go through the steps of the process, while trying to minimise the impact on your kids.

I have lived through two years of acrimonious divorce while in the same house with my ex. I know it’s difficult, but it can be done. And kids didn’t need to live through many moves. In fact - we didn’t even tell them until we sorted out all the details of how it all was going to work going forward. It still wasn’t easy, but saved them months of uncertainty of what their lives will be.

Original poster
Invasionofthegutsnatchers · 22/08/2022 15:02

I think the kids will hate me for moving out won't they.

OP posts:
Original poster
Invasionofthegutsnatchers · 22/08/2022 15:03

I'm realising I need to stay in the house for the time being.

So stressed out

OP posts:
GlitteryGreen · 22/08/2022 15:10

Invasionofthegutsnatchers · 22/08/2022 15:02

I think the kids will hate me for moving out won't they.

They won't!

My DP moved out (and in with his mum and dad), and at first continued seeing the children in the family home or taking them out for the day but dropping them back so they had more continuity, then gradually transitioned to having them stay with him for one night, then gradually a whole weekend...then up to every other.

They couldn't be more well adjusted because both parents were committed to their welfare and to making it work for them, and ensuring they knew they were still loved as much as ever. As long as you do that, and it sounds like you both will, then they can come out the other side just fine. It's all the dramas and fighting after splits that causes the damage.

Original poster
Invasionofthegutsnatchers · 22/08/2022 15:16

How many months roughly will it take until I get my equity do you think?

OP posts:
WB205020 · 22/08/2022 15:21

Just taking a step back OP but a little of what you say, being unhappy and desperate to get out in particular, you sound like you maybe a little depressed. I would suggest speaking to your GP before doing anything because this can cloud your view of things and decision making.

If you have fallen out of love with him then the marriage is over and splitting is the right decision but doing things in haste can make you regret.

Do you get on? Do you argue? Are things frosty? Do the kids know and understand what is happening / that there are problems?

Original poster
Invasionofthegutsnatchers · 22/08/2022 15:28

I just can't anymore. I don't love him. I don't like him much but I do respect his relationship with the children.

I only feel happy when I'm not in our house

OP posts:
jsku · 22/08/2022 17:14

I second WB2050 - you sound like you may be depressed. Your main focus seems to be on getting out of the house, thinking that it’ll make it all better, make you feel better.
I think you aren’t really thinking it all through clearly and with a cool head. Please - get help - GPS are great for it. And divorce is hard enough.

Have you discussed it all with your H? What is he currently thinking re division of assets? Have you actually filed? Do you have a solicitor?
How has H taken it? Is he being amicable re divorce?
Do the kids know yet?

Kids can of course go through divorce and come out Ok on the other side. But it doesn’t necessarily just happen without any thought and planning, and two adults working together.

Problem is - you don’t seem to be in a mental place to be thinking about it. You are only focused on your getting out of the house. And it’d be understandable if your H was making your life extra difficult. But it doesn’t seem to be the case.
Please, take a breath and pull yourself together. Get help from GP - many people end up on antidepressants during divorce - I did.

And then think about how to best manage the process for your kids given your situation.

The questions you ask about equity make me think that not much has actually been done paperwork wise - or else you’d know this process takes time. Even an amicable divorce takes months, and longer when there are kids involved.
You need to be prepared for that.

Also - I am guessing you haven’t thought about what actually happens if you did move to a small flat. Do you make enough to actually support yourself and the kids 50% of time? Your H is under no obligation to do so. If it all goes sour - and you can’t support yourself/kids - it can all end in tears for you.

Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 22/08/2022 21:15

AnotherEmma · 22/08/2022 14:38

Rentals aren't short term, though, are they? Most are a 1 year fixed term, although if you can find one with a 6 month break clause, that would be doable.

I'd keep looking for a 2-3 bed if I were you.

Either way you need legal advice ASAP. The financial settlement should not just include a fair share of the equity but should also consider savings, pensions etc. It might not necessarily be 50-50, it depends.

Show quote history

1 year is short term. It'll be fien for a year.
This is a needs must situation.

GetThatHelmetOn · 22/08/2022 21:24

Invasionofthegutsnatchers · 22/08/2022 15:16

How many months roughly will it take until I get my equity do you think?

It took mine almost 4 years. I also got more equity because I was the resident parent so… I think you are putting yourself in a massively massively disadvantaged position by moving out, suggesting 50/50 (you won’t get child maintenance with that split), and with the children mainly living with their dad you will not be eligible for financial support to help you provide for the kids. Not being able to provide “as suitable” accommodation puts him in a perfect for position for him to demand the contact time ageeement to be increased on his favour for the sake of the children and then… you will need to pay him child maintenance.

If you are earning significantly more than him, that is not a problem but if you are the one with the smaller income you might be shooting yourself on BOTH feet.

cestlavielife · 22/08/2022 21:26

Of course it is fine in the short term
If it is just whike you awaiting the equity
Not an issue

jsku · 23/08/2022 01:21

@cestlavielife It’d be fine it it actually were short term. If they had financial settlement already agreed and it was just a matter of time.
It’s not clear of OP has even started the actual divorce. So - it’s not at all a short term solution.

FlyingSaucerss · 23/08/2022 02:00

You will be fine, I was told my ex would get over night contact despite living with various unrelated males in a hmo expecting our 4 children to sleep in his bedroom (mixed sexes) so I’m sure you will be ok. 🤷‍♀️

TimboWimbo · 23/08/2022 02:01

If you are able to be amicable, could you do “nesting” while you get the divorce and financials sorted? The DC stay in the family home, you and H rent a 1-bed flat and you switch in and out of the house/flat weekly, or half weekly?

EmmaGrundyForPM · 23/08/2022 08:20

I'd second nesting. One of my friends is currently doing this so that her dd is not unsettled by constantly switching between homes. She and her ex are making it work. They are fortunate enough to be able to afford a 2 bed flat for the other home so they each have a bedroom there, but a one bed would be fine