Red flags you wish you'd noticed sooner?

[LonelyInAutumn]

For me, it was the unhealthy relationship he has with his mother (mama's boy)

Dreaming big but never putting in the work. Always big plans, going to start a business, become a market leading brand, employ 100s etc. But never puttin in the work to gain experience, make contacts, learn from others etc. Switching aspirations and career plans almost as often as he changed toothbrushes. Over time this turned into me carrying the entire can financially :-(

Now older, wiser and harder so have a million antennae for this type of thing but it's sad to see my much younger half-sibling falling prey to the same dynamic.

Inability to communicate healthily about their emotions and sex (intimacy in general). I thought it would get better over time (classic pinning hopes on the potential rather than the reality).

A list of crazy exes and serious misfortunes that never seemed to be their fault.

(I am now on the list)

Drinking every weekend when in his 30s, my first thought was a player/ non committal type I wish I had run from this red flag.

Obsessed ex's that apparently wouldn't leave him alone, red flag for he's doing something to spark their attention.

I'm pretty sure I must be on the list of crazy ex's somewhere too.

Loosing the temper or shouting at me one minute, fine the next.

He was an erratic drunk, didn't come home after a night out and turned his phone off. Not sure how I ignored that parade of red flags...

Refusing to have any form of bodily contact in public - e.g. hand holding, linking arms.

Oh, and eye-fucking any viable-looking girl who wasn't me (I was 19 at the time, he was 27 and my first proper boyfriend. He still emails me once in a blue moon to apologise for his behaviour 15 years ago. Never reply.)

Unwillingness and then lack of enthusiasm about getting married. He said it was to do with wanting to be a free spirit, not needing a piece of paper blah blah. He seems to have taken to traditional married life like a duck to water though ie. no headspace at all for the mental load of it all. I wish I'd realised he was playing a kind of game (whether he realised it or not).

If there are any younger women reading this I really want to pass on my wisdom. It is really, really ok to want to marry someone. It's not demanding or a silly outdated tradition. And if he doesn't want marriage (and you do) then leave, NOW! Stop waiting or being grateful when he finally, reluctantly agrees. Don't settle for anything less than enthusiasm.

This course does not apply to women who don't want to marry.

Man A. Making a “positive” joke about porn a few dates in, something like a good way to pass the time. I remember feeling weirded-out, puzzled by it. Wasn’t used to that kind of remark. He turned out to have some weird tastes in bed and was an all round jerk. I suspect looking back an ageing porn hound.

Man B. A few dates in shouted at me on the phone like a mad man when I was held up by traffic for a date! Was abusive another time when I told him about about an outing I was going on. My evening class - accused me of meeting another man!. I finished with him in 3 months. Should have finished with in I shed with him in 3 weeks.

Both men I met on OLD. Of course I’ve been out with some flawed men before, but more just selfish than anything. I never met such crazy and oddball men like this in my life, and I was in my late 40s.

Still, it made me put my bar up much higher and clearer!! Only thing now is that it feels I’m a bit too old now to have romance in my life again. The experience and knowledge came too late, so to speak.

<shudders>

another one from me was him using hos exe's treatment of him as an excuse to argue with me all day long e.g "I've been cheated on before so I'm really sensitive"

I'm only 23 and I know there's a lot of wise ladies on here and I actually came here when I wanted to end things with him and you all gave me the strength to do it

Snap.

He also illicited confidences out of every gf about their most stressful/embarrassing/traumatic etc. experienced or "mistakes" ... and then blabbed thembto other people to undermine her. Usually after the relationship had broken down (almost entirely due to his controlling behaviour) but with me he started even before it broke down.

(Hence I found myself in a bizarre surreal semi confrontation/intervention with his mate having been taken to his house for a social call; on the subject of theft, pilfering etc. with the implication that i could not be trusted in people's homes, around cash/valuables. Because I'd told my ex I was embarrassed to have shoplifted as a youth, 15 yrs before).

After we finished I had more than one member of the sports club through which we met give me really odd, off, speculative, starey looks as well; fk knows what he was telling them about me.
When we finished I was tearing up/crying but he was repeating the phrase "don't you bad mouth me, and i won't bad mouth you", over and over.

Some of the things (undoubtedly also told to him in confidence) that he told me about different exes, which I didn't recognise as a red flag;

Her anal rape at a hotel attending a wedding by her ex husband, a prolific porn user who later left her for a teenager.

Her mother's affair with the local policeman, in which her mother made her carry messages, and when she challenged her years later about it, was struck in the face by her Mum.

Her father's alcoholism, including not being able to take her Mum to hospital (very rural region) to save an unborn baby's life.

Her mostly emotional affair while married to her ex.

I could go on.

He was gossipy, salacious, indiscrete ... Tried to cast himself as sympathetic towards the victim but wasn't actually. And I was so dumb I told him extremely personal things he used as ammunition.

I moved away from the region not long after the relationship ended but if I hadn't he'd have made my sport/hobby club very difficult to attend due to scandal mongering, blackening my name... May even have affected me getting work if I'd done any self employed work in the area.

Physical evidence (I.e. stuff broken in his flat) showing his irrational rages and foul temper

His actual irrational rages and foul temper, including streams of personal abuse, swearing and name calling

His own reference to the “one time” he hit a girl (listen when a man tells you who he is)

Nothing ever being his fault - every outburst or rage was justifiable as he’d been provoked, by something or someone, usually me

His account of ‘awarding’ himself qualifications ( and adding them to his CV) based on the fact that (as he said) he had read quite a lot of books about History, etc. (He had no official qualifications)

The fact that he was often impressed by crime and criminal behaviour

And a million other things.

I would actually feel ashamed to say some of the red flags for fear that I’d sound like a ridiculous weak human being for being with him at all. I was very young - he wasn’t - I wasn’t terribly confident - and let’s just say I learned a lot as a result of that awful relationship and definitely the hard way.

Unhealthy relationship (codependency) with his adult daughter. He wasn’t even aware that he was emotionally blackmailed (‘if you don’t support me in xyz I’ll go live with my mum’) and lived in constant fear of losing her. He thought he was available for a romantic relationship. Hm.

This sounds like my marriage - doesn't happen a lot but has happened...now going through anguish of working out how to leave with 8 month old DD.

The silent treatment for no apparent reason and saying all his exes were crazy, am sure I am also on the list. Him constantly putting others down and gossiping with his sisters about other family members, too faced. His delight in seeing things going wrong for others and taking pleasure in it, no empathy, I would keep writing but were so many and most of all my instant gut feeling about him, wish had listened to that as would have saved myself years of misery in the relationship and after recovering as never met anyone like him ever. Oh and also his sister saying he killed a chicken when he was little and she thought that was fine. You know what they way about people who harm animals when they are small, total psycho.

Forgot his racist views, homophobic views, his love for Hitler etc. I could not have picked someone worse. He saw the vulnerable side of me and knew I was a soft touch, until I stood up for myself and then he turned and broke me down.

Starting putting me down a couple of weeks in then claiming it was a joke. Only gave him the benefit of the doubt for a couple more weeks but it didn't improve. Being sexually and physically pushy. Having too much to say about other women I.e. one eye elsewhere. Poor hygiene.

Almost never apologising.

Too tight to buy a valentines card. Generally tight with money.

Needing to know my whereabouts all the time.. picking me up from nights out with the girls.. oh the list is endless really 🤦‍♀️

Not being sympathetic when they've made you cry because they see it as a woman trying to manipulate them. They "feel bad" they did though.

Yes oh my god same

Not taking me seriously when I said ‘no’

Ex followed a bunch of "Insta girls" (you know the ones that post pictures of themselves that are heavily photoshopped, very naked, basically porn). He kept liking their photos and I told him it made me feel uncomfortable and insecure. He said I was overreacting and I shouldn't worry, his actions showed he wanted me and not them. He gaslighted me into thinking I was the bad one for not recognising everything he'd done for me.

Eventually I caught him with another woman when he was away on a work trip.

He's now with someone else. He posts pictures of the two of them holding hands on Instagram yet if you look on Twitter, his likes are full of girls with no clothes on. Some people don't change.

Said his ex was mad, jealous, controlling and possessive. She was jealous- of the other women he was shagging.
When I started having doubts about his fidelity, he said I was controlling and made out that I was really losing it. I started believing it for a while, before finding out that he'd been shagging my best mate since before I'd even met him.