Red flags you wish you'd noticed sooner?

[LonelyInAutumn]

For me, it was the unhealthy relationship he has with his mother (mama's boy)

Ive only ever been unfortunate in one relationship. He pursued/lovebombed me but I didnt realise at the time and was left wondering what had gone so badly wrong when that period ended and his mask slipped.

I got knocked off my bike on my way to his house after I finished work. When I got there (after 6pm) quite upset, he was in bed and was visibly annoyed that I'd woken him up. He'd been at home in bed since 2pm (he's a postman) Didn't even ask how I was or give me a hug*. Just sighed and rolled over like it was a massive inconvenience to him.

There was also wierd sexual hangups. He never came once during our relationship. Said he'd "trained his mind" not to ... because of something that happened once, over 30 years ago. I suspect his fascination with p0rn is behind the actual reason...

Then there was the multiple active dating site profiles whilst at the same time insisting that he'd marry me "if that's what you want". He actually had the nerve to say it was my fault he was using dating sites, he was only using them to chat to women because he got lonely in the evenings because I refused to move into his damp, smelly, shit tip of a house. He'd actually visit women up to 200 miles away for dates, thinking the distance made it less likely he'd be rumbled. Maybe if he hadn't added women to his FB who were all the same type, living hundreds of miles away with no friend or family connections to him, I wouldn't have been any the wiser ...

He dumped me by text after 5 years. I was actually relieved tbh. No more of his conspiracy theories and paranoia.

I could write reams about his red flag behaviour. I can't believe I chose to ignore them because of how much I loved him. Years on, I can't actually think of a good reason why I ever gave him the time of day.

*he didn't like hugs, they didn't do anything for him. When he could bring himself to give one, it was always wierd and awkward with him using just one arm.

Obsession with hobby which turned into obsession with work and hobbies, which masked his complete emotional unavailability and issues with intimacy. Has walked away from his only child without a backwards glance.

im ok. I have realised a lot of things and it’s about being brave. I have taken small steps. Now heading in the right direction,very nearly alone. Thank you. I’m sure there are many others in similar situations.

Whenever I said I feel x, he would say, well I feel x too. He would never ever empathise or apologise.

@Jewel7 the hardest part is the beginning where you question your decision. It's absolutely the right thing to do. Good luck!

Yes. Also if I was ever upset, he was more upset. Like my feelings weren't valid.

using his exes behaviour to restrict mine (she cheated on him)

how he referred to his ex - still bitter 6 years later, like seriously bitter/couldn't let it go.

lied about his age and business… when confronted he tried to convince me that I’d also lied about my age, apparently I said I was just one year older that what I was, which I never as I did not have a single reason to.

Blowing hot and cold

Pretty much ignoring me when other people were around then turning on the charm when we were on our own

crazy exes, nothing ever their fault

Long way back I was with a lad who seemed nice but did look a bit rough round the edges but I quite liked it and he wasn't the usual type I went for. Literally one of the first times we went on a night out together he, quite brutally, beat the living daylights out of a man in a pub for "looking at me". I was absolutely shocked, called the night off straight away after telling him it was totally out of order and I'm not the least bit impressed with his machoism. Turned out he was basically a drug dealing gangster and it was completely normal for him to do things like this. I should have called it off at the very first incident and now I'm older and a bit wiser I can't believe I didn't.

That the amount je Frank wasn't normal. He's an alcoholic. And an ex.

Saying all the right things then doing the complete opposite. Taking everything I said the wrong way and twisting things to suit him, its as though he just wanted arguments for the sake of it and that he liked upsetting me. He had far too many skeletons in his closet that were busting out all over the place.

Love bombing with poems, books, attention.

Misogynistic jokes that were unfunny and nasty dismissed as “banter” and me having “no sense of humour”. Public school and rugby club style gags that always kicked downwards.

Controlling what I wore - he wanted consulted. He went ballistic when I bought a pair of flat, black leather knee high boots to wear with opaque tights because I hadn’t checked he liked them and they were “provocative”.

Being openly unhappy when I got the job of my dreams. We are in the same profession and he considered himself cleverer, far more polished than me and literally felt entitled to that job. I managed to get a transfer abroad with that role and escaped.

He was still in touch with his “psycho ex”, which was explained as him supporting her because she was unstable and he was worried about her. Painted himself as a caring hero when in fact he was gaslighting her and taunting me.

When he told me he was an alcoholic in a less than serious way. I was like 'ha yeah aren't we all?!'
Yeah he was a total bonafide pisshead who drank in the mornings and at every other hour of the day if he chose fit

Like PP, for mine it was the big dreams, no action. Couldn't hold down a simple job or a course. He was going to get into IT and coding, then he was going to be a chef. I paid for courses that he stopped attending and didn't complete the assignments. He manipulated me into taking out a broadband dongle on contract because it came with a free laptop he needed for his course, even though we (I) already paid for home broadband and I had a laptop from my university days that he was welcome to use. I was paying that for years after we split and he didn't even give me them back.

I paid for everything: rent, food, bills, so he was supposed to give me his wages to deposit into the bank (of course it was cash in hand). He always seemed to be being underpaid and there never was a payslip. What a disorganised boss, I thought....

I despair at my stupidity, but day to day we actually got on very well, so I chose not to see the big picture.

@Speedweed this is a great/terrible/recognisable list

I would add to this and the many other excellent posts, my list of things you will 100% not regret breaking up over on the spot:

1. Jealousy, it’s okay for them to feel a little jealous but feeling entitled to make you deal with it is a massive, massive red flag. I don’t think I’ve ever met a man who was outwardly jealous who didn’t later turn out to be dangerously abusive.
2. says he was abused by a previous partner, or that his ex is crazy. Yes ever, yes even if there might have been abuse. Just run.
3. “Falls in love” quickly, within weeks
4. likes “ironically” sexist comedians like Bill Burr, Jim Jeffries or Andrew Dice Clay. There are a few others who are borderline, but these are the ones where you have to find their “bitches be crazy” somewhat true to find hilarious
5. Viscerally hates female comedians like Amy Schumer, takes the existence of light, female orientated entertainment such as Sex and the City or Broad City as a personal slight.
6. Throws, smashes, breaks anything when fighting with you or upset with you
7. Mysterious strops, storms off or gets extremely moody and it’s unclear why, and they won’t tell you what the reason is. If this happens even once- run
8. Flirts with people in front of you
9. Is a “sex addict”
10. attributes insults, decisions, bad behaviour etc. to recommendations by his therapist e.g. “‘my therapist says I should avoid a serious relationship right now” or “my therapist says you are controlling me and that I need to set boundaries”
11. polyamory
12. Uses porn, visits strip clubs or similar
13. he has more than just a couple of mates who treat women appallingly (sadly it’s seems most men have at least one of these friends, but if it’s three or more- then chances are he is one of these friends)

This thread is such an eye opener

Ticking a lot of boxes right now

Demonstrating a complete lack of interest in my friends or family

Constantly suggesting that my good friends 'did not have my best interests at heart'

Wanting to frequently know where I was

Wanting to see what I spending my money on.

Mapping out our future lives in minute detail all the way down to how many pets and what colour front door we would have

Irrational anger

Pushing and slapping (I thankfully managed to escape by this stage)

An ex would try and convince me to do a Dine And Dash from the pub round the corner. Where we knew lots of people. And the manager. Every time we’d go he’d talk about it. We never did, obviously, and looking back he was trying to test/ erode my boundaries.
Around the time we got together, a bar maid who had always been friendly enough suddenly became very cold with him and with me. Like, wordlessly slamming plates of food down on the table kind of cold. And he always acted completely mystified by it. Looking back I’m pretty sure he was “lining us up” at the same time and I’m the one who bit first.

So @RoundandRound123 you've met my exes?

Seriously though that's a really good list.

I will add that my DH has a "crazy" ex and I initially thought of that as a red flag, turns out she was absolutely awful to him and is a complete nightmare. The way I worked out that it really was her, not him - 1) it was just her, he likes his other exes 2) his friends and family were genuinely scared of her, otherwise really normal 3) he didn't call her "crazy", he said she had problems, and he never brings her up (scared of her) 4) she continues to try to contact him and he is visibly upset/alarmed when that happens. IME this was all in serious contrast to the red flag "my crazy ex" guys who tend to slag her off at every opportunity, perhaps maintain contact with her, and says things to which there's clearly another side (e.g. "she was paranoid and jealous"). None of this is similar to how people talk about an ex with genuine problems.

Asking me to help him to pay off his credit cards.
Putting my mobile phone contract in his name.
Putting an offer in on a house before I'd even seen it - didn't even know which town it was in, or seen any of the details about the ones he was viewing.
Constantly taking my back card out of my purse and withdrawing max amount of cash per day.
Constantly "losing" my security device from the bank so I couldn't log into the online banking.
Not being able to afford a £3.50 drink from Costa on payday, unaware that £6k had gone out that morning on payday loans, so we were overdrawn again even before the bills went out the following day.

@TheHideAndSeekingHill that’s a very good distinction to make, it’s not that they had a crazy ex, it’s that they describe them as a crazy ex -this point is key: “he didn't call her "crazy", he said she had problems, and he never brings her up”

It does sort of feel like the same 4 or 5 time- wasting arseholes are doing the rounds destroying womankind’s faith in relationships far and wide😂

Goodness theres so much here that I recognise from my own experiences, love bombing, manipulation, making his feelings seem more important and mine etc

I wish that were it rather than them being in every town and village!

If I met someone now who said "all my exes are crazy" I'd ask them why they keep targeting vulnerable women.

The love bombing was a weird one. Despite having no money, every now and again (for no reason like birthdays/anniversaries etc) he'd send a massive bouquet of flowers to my work. Very very strange.