Was having a baby as bad as everyone made out?

[MandySays]

Having my first. Heard many horror stories!

@PeekabooAtTheZoo yes I have anxiety. I just feel really alone as DP works away 6 nights a week. I’m scared I will crumble.

(Also I really hate the “oh you think this bit is hard? Wait until they’re x age!” attitude. Toddlers are a whole bundle of fun! Yes they have tantrums but the next minute they have you doubled over with laughter. Primary school kids have big emotions to manage, but they also make you cry with pride and seeing their knowledge and understanding of the world grow is honestly astounding. I haven’t got to teenagers yet and no doubt there’ll be times they are absolute dickheads just like I was teenager but I’m not going to live in dread ffs)

Practically, it was incredibly hard and exhausting, I don't know how I managed on so little sleep,

However I look back on it as one of the happiest times of my life, I was lucky that I got the immediate rush of love and I just adored having a newborn.

I wouldn't describe it in terms of good or bad. I think seismic is the word I'd use, it was like everything had shifted in a moment. Quite overwhelming.

Looking after my first was a doddle. The lasting and permanent affects of a difficult first birth have been the worst.

I personally really disagree with this.

I WAS able to do a lot of stuff with a newborn. We went out every day - friends houses, restaurants, parties etc. I used a sling a lot, and that helped. My social life was vetter than it had been in years. My house was tidier (the
only time in my adult life I really got on top of it), and I started baking again a which I'd been far too busy to do for a long time.

I'm not saying everyone can or should be busy with a baby, we are all different, but it's possible to enjoy being out and about, and find that perfectly manageable with a baby!

OP try not to worry. I think people like to compete with each other about how hard they found it. Don’t get me wrong, some of my friends found it incredibly hard but that’s because they were either quite young and / or were diagnosed with PND, or had babies with colic / reflux etc.

Most of my friends, myself included, absolutely LOVED it. Of course there are hard times but overall I found it so easy, natural and beautiful and the best thing I’ve ever done in my life. My heart is so full I feel it could burst a lot of the time. Try not to worry and enjoy your pregnancy.

Yes I hate this too!!

Yes, it’s hard, but also wonderful. Those moments when they’ve fed so much they look drunk on milk and you’re cuddling them as they sleep, and it’s just you and the baby together … amazing.

And you don’t know what you’ll get. I got told at 38 weeks that I needed a cs, so never went into labour. And I got a baby who would sleep beautifully as long as I was holding her. I spent a lot more time sitting on the sofa watching tv than I’d expected.

The thing I've found hardest so far is who am I now? I'm DS mum and DH wife.. but who am i and what do I want to do? DS is a very chilled out baby though and a very good sleeper and DH is very supportive and good with him doing more than his fair share

Worse. Got better after they were a year old

I found the sleep deprivation crippling. Don’t know how I actually survived that.

Yes but I had two within 2 years so it was clearly worth it

Physically not too bad - I had an easy pregnancy and a cat 2 emergency c section but a very quick recovery.

The hardest thing for me has been the relentlessness of it - you can never just stop looking after them. Obviously I knew that before I had DS, but the reality has been quite overwhelming at times. He's a great nighttime sleeper but only naps on me or in motion (pushchair/sling) so I don't get any time in the day to switch off or do anything that isn't focused on him.

But as he gets older (he's 13 weeks) I’m finding that he's happy to sit in his bouncer or lie on his play mat and amuse himself for ten or fifteen minutes, so I think this aspect will get progressively better.

And the positives definitely outweigh the negatives! Most of the time he's a delight and even though it's hard work, it's a pleasure to be with him and to look after him. It helps if you have a good support network: I have a very hands on DH, my mum comes once a week and I am good friends with my NCT crew so always have something to do or someone to meet during the day.

Depends on the babe.

There’s a lot which can go askew and make life hellish; sleep issues, reflux, wind, colic, allergies, latch/feed issues.

Keep your fingers crossed. Never know you might be lucky!

Yep mine was worse than I naively imagined.

18 months with no full nights sleep. First 7 months of 2/3 hrs a night.

Postnatal depression - see above for why!! (Plus a 20 week miscarriage the year before)

A lot of people don't have it that bad though op. Hopefully you'll get lucky.

It's difficult because it's relentless. Day in, day out. There's very little chance for a proper break.

But meeting their basic needs is easy.

Does that make sense?

I don't think this is right. Your happiness also depends on whether post partum mental health problems are triggered

Babies were fine...didn't find it too hard and wondered what everyone was complaining about!

Teenagers on the other hand....

Depends on the baby and your support system. If the baby is an OK sleeper and not high needs. If your DH is doing his bit and doesn’t think that working suffices, your parents are around to give your breaks, you have good friends to vent to and support you and you can afford to outsource some of the chores (be it a cleaner or ready meals) it’s ok. If you don’t have those things, it can be a marathon. Survivable with effort, and not without cost.

It’s relentless and all encompassing in a way you can’t really understand before you have a child. (I also don’t think you can understand what it’s like doing it without back up when you have some in place.)

It's very hard but also wonderful and amazing! It's been the making of me.

If it was that bad no-one would have more than 1.

Got to be honest, I've absolutely loved every stage. Best thing I've ever done (which is not to say there haven't also been times when it's been hard, especially lack of sleep). I'd have another one tomorrow if I wasn't too old.

People love to share horror stories. They rarely share the joy of it because they don't want to sound smug but the joy is the thing, really.

Giving birth is the easy part. what happens next however...its been the hardest two years of my life. it's the lack of sleep for me, and the monotony of daily life. But I don't regret my beautiful baby for a second and it's made me a stronger person. relationship in tatters though.

The first 12 years are the easy part! No matter how hard it is IMO it is totally worth it

I found it cripplingly awful. I’m sorry to scare you, but I think PP is right that issues arise when people expect something different to what they get.

My DD was a lockdown baby which gave particular challenges which hopefully you won’t have. But I think I had a vision of skipping happily round coffee mornings and off to events with a baby in a sling, which just wasn’t possible with the levels of sleep deprivation I had.

I think if I’d gone into it with a mindset that I might just spend my mat leave surviving and nurturing my babe, it would have been better.

Shes now 2.5 and gloriously wonderful, so it was all worth it!

I listened to everyones horror stories, decided I would never sleep again, and due to this I was pleasantly surprised that my labour only lasted 14 hours, and I didn't die. I didn't fall in love with my baby straight off but I was rather in awe of him, but he soon became so very important and special to me. And he slept, some of DH's genes got there (he loves his sleep and can drop off anywhere , anytime) so I wasn't totally tired all the time.
Numbers 3&4 were twins and I made sure that I slept, initially when they slept, after having a shower and change of clothes.
Yes my body changed considerably after 4 DC's. After DS1 I felt that I never wanted sex ever again, and after the twins I never wanted to wear a swimsuit again!
Would I want to be without them?
No, (I think)😉