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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel totally broken again

29 replies

Sweetielou · 22/08/2022 10:00

So i have posted a few times and people think I’m mad for wanting him back . My last post was he wanted to meet up for a chat , . Last week he told me he wasn’t with the other woman anymore, he said they broke up and it was a mutual decision. Told me he never stopped loving me and wanted to work on saving our marriage,
He was messaging me all the time then after about 5 days he went quiet, he is back with her again and told her that I lied about the whole thing and that he didn’t say he wanted us to get back together. I feel so stupid , hurt and feel like I did 7 months ago .

OP posts:
itsnotdeep · 22/08/2022 10:15

I haven't seen your other posts, but assuming your ex P has treated you badly, and continues to treat you badly, you really need to go no contact with him.

Something I have learned over the years, the hard way sometimes, is that the most important person in all of this is you. You need to love yourself and look after yourself, and if you do this, why on earth would you keep putting yourself through pain, over and over again. Nothing will change - he will keep hurting you. And the only way to move on and not be in pain is to cut contact with someone who keeps hurting you. Or who doesn't want you. Or who cheats on you

Honestly, just start looking after yourself and do it. Do it for you, not to teach him a lesson, or to hope he will miss you and come back, just do it.

(and there are lots of things you can do practically too - start exercising, see friends, meditate, journal, decorate, start a hobby, read books etc etc).

itsnotdeep · 22/08/2022 10:15

If you have kids together, set up an email account, communicate through that about kids only. Then you won't be watching your phone, and you won't enter into endless, painful discussions.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 22/08/2022 10:17

Imo he will bat between the 2 of you only if you allow it.

Agadoodoododont · 22/08/2022 10:18

I’m sorry, this is shit for you because he’s a shit person.
He’s living by The Script —- aka things men say when they want a woman ( usually for sex but always for an easy life)
He’ll row with OW, text you oh how I miss you, always lived you etc. etc.. If you don’t reply he’ll either go back to OW or move onto another.

Men like this often keep several women on elastic— to pull back in when they want sex. Sorry but he’s as basic as that. You deserve better. Block him and move on.

Original poster
Sweetielou · 22/08/2022 10:21

Our son is 23 so we don’t need to have any contact. I just don’t get why I even wanted him back . He’s an alcoholic and suffers bad with mental health who drained the life out of me . I just find it hard after 25 years with him to let go .

OP posts:
Original poster
Sweetielou · 22/08/2022 12:14

I just wish I didn’t let him back into my head !!

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 22/08/2022 12:17

start looking after yourself and do it. Do it for you, not to teach him a lesson, or to hope he will miss you and come back, just do it

THIS.

You can stop the pain, but you need to prioritise YOU

Isittrueornot · 22/08/2022 12:20

It was a mistake, you know it, it’s very unlikely you will do it again now, so take the positive approach your now even wiser.

Now you know when the pain subsides you can move on this time, without going back. Do concentrate on you, make it a hobby, make it exciting, get into it, thrill and amaze yourself, your worth it.

fedup078 · 22/08/2022 12:35

Sorry op
My stbxh has just done a very similar thing to me and I'm struggling to process it

Original poster
Sweetielou · 22/08/2022 13:13

I just think it was a cruel thing to do and he did message me and said sorry . He’s now blocked so won’t be messaging me anymore. They won’t last and even his sister said so . She’s also got mental health problems and when she found out he was messaging me apparently she was cutting herself and told people she didn’t want to be here anymore.

OP posts:
Dery · 22/08/2022 14:47

It’s bound to be hard after 25 years together. Feelings don’t usually go overnight. But you know this guy’s bad for you and you need to let your head rule your heart for a bit. Go NC and with time you will start to feel better and be glad he’s behind you.

HumourReplacementTherapy · 22/08/2022 17:13

Sweetielou · 22/08/2022 13:13

I just think it was a cruel thing to do and he did message me and said sorry . He’s now blocked so won’t be messaging me anymore. They won’t last and even his sister said so . She’s also got mental health problems and when she found out he was messaging me apparently she was cutting herself and told people she didn’t want to be here anymore.

Well then you can make sure you're in a really happy place when it all goes to shit for him and he tries to crawl back after the next row with her. But do it for you.
Start small, build something nice into your day each day
You made a mistake, that's ok. It could have been worse, you've had a lucky escape.

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 22/08/2022 17:21

OP,
This is what you call 'triangulation' and it will continue as long as the 3 people involved allow it.

He got all the ego strokes of having two women who he plays off against each other.
You got nothing.

You were strong to get off that merry-go-round that was playing with your emotions.

Now you need to concentrate on you, and building a better life for yourself. x

Original poster
Sweetielou · 22/08/2022 17:46

Thank you all for the advice, I know I couldn’t go back down that road again especially as he’s back drinking now . She or someone she knows set up a fake Facebook account and said some pretty nasty stuff on messenger to myself because he told her I lied and I think that’s why I’m so angry .

OP posts:
fedup078 · 22/08/2022 18:15

@Sweetielou your situation sounds very similar to mine
I ended it last year due to his drinking
He started seeing someone in Feb but has still not been able to leave me alone like i asked him to
I got it in my head that he must have stopped drinking if someone else was putting up with him and I started to feel different about him and maybe we could give it another go
He ends up dumping his gf 2 weeks ago the day before our wedding anniversary . Spends 24 hours with me promising me the world and talking endlessly about the future . Then dumps me the next day (so our wedding anniversary) and goes straight back to her
Now they are on the dream holiday we'd always planned to do together
Ds keeps asking me where daddy is
I'm absolutely disgusted with him

fedup078 · 22/08/2022 18:51

I am going very LC from now on
I asked him so many times to not call me and only text about logistics surrounding ds but now I will absolutely not be taking anymore calls from him
He has totally burned his bridges with me now and our amicable co-parent relation his gf (used to) apparently admired so much is now out the window

Original poster
Sweetielou · 22/08/2022 18:54

I don’t know how they can mess with peoples heads the way they do , sounds like we are married to the same man lol . I’m sure when they get dumped again they will try and worm there way back . Hell will freeze over before I would go back with him , it was our wedding anniversary on the 18th and he went back with her the week before so it was a shit day for me x

OP posts:
fedup078 · 22/08/2022 18:58

My plan is to sit back and wait patiently for it to blow up in his face so I can laugh in it
He reckons she's tea total so lets see how that pans out
He's not even a nice person when he's sober

Original poster
Sweetielou · 22/08/2022 19:06

I will be filing a divorce in a few weeks so then he will know I’m done with him. She broke up with him because of his drinking. He’s probably told her he will give it up again…. No chance of it lasting for long x

OP posts:
fedup078 · 22/08/2022 19:11

I want to make sure when he finds himself available again that I'm not
But can I hell be arsed with dating

So it sounds like this happened to us the same week

Everyone I've told is as shocked and disgusted as me. After all this time of him saying he'd jump at the chance of coming home

And of course he was so cold and nasty about it when he dumped me. No remorse or proper apology just like with all the drinking incidents . Told me my feeling me didn't matter and he only cared about his gf's feeling . And I can't believe she just took him back so readily

So angry with myself for giving him the opportunity to do this to me

Original poster
Sweetielou · 22/08/2022 19:15

I’ve just tried to pm you but can’t seem to be able to . Hopefully we will have the last laugh when they get dumped again x

OP posts:
Original poster
Sweetielou · 07/09/2022 12:48

So having a really shit week , still can’t get my head around what he has done to me . He’s now happy and back with her and I feel bloody rubbish….I so need to get over this and move on but I just don’t seem to be able to.

OP posts:
fedup078 · 07/09/2022 13:13

Mine's still not sticking to the no contact
I still can't get my head around it either

SortingItOut · 07/09/2022 13:28

@Sweetielou .Why are you giving him headspace?

Start building up your life so you don't even care what he's doing.
The best revenge is getting on with your life.

What do you have to keep you busy? Job? Family? Friends? Hobbies?

@fedup078 Of course he won't stick to no contact, he doesn't want you to move on and wants to be in your head.
If you want no contact you need to enforce that.
Realistically how much contact do you need to have with him? How old are your children?
Restrict your ex's access to you so you can move on.

fedup078 · 07/09/2022 13:30

@SortingItOut yes I ignore all phone calls
He will get bored eventually